(Closed) Missing Father has reappeared!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Id take things really slowly,afetr all he has got a LOT to catch up on,take your time to get to know each other again at a pace you are happy with,explaing that this is how you want things to happen,and see if you could get comfortable with the idea of him maybe being present on your day. Take it bit by bit and I really hope it works out for you hun!

Post # 4
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i think it’s great that he wants to be a part of your life, but definitely don’t think he has any right to ask to walk you down the aisle. that is 100000% your decision to make, and if you want him to, that’s great, but it might be more meaningful to have your mom walk you or walk alone or with someone else who has been more present in your life. and i feel like this is 2 separate things–you should decide if you want to have more contact with him, get to know him, etc, and then your wedding–whether he walks you or you even invite him–is a different issue entirely

Post # 6
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I second others’ advice and would say that you and your father need to take things slowly, day by day. Besides the letter, has he brought up the idea of walking you down the aisle again? If not, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, as he may not ever suggest it again. And I certainly don’t think you need to feel pressured to bring this up with him. Focus on getting to know him and building your relationship. If it does come up, address it as graciously as you can. I think if you speak with patience and kindness, explaining that you’ve already asked your grandfather (and really, it would be quite rude to retract this offer now), your dad will hopefully understand. 

I’m so sorry that this is causing you worry and stress so near your wedding day. But I hope that this is an amazing opportunity to get to know your father in a healthy and meaningful way, and that this is the start of a new relationship with him. 

Post # 7
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If your worried its so close to your wedding,talk to him abaout it. Maybe find out why hes re-appeared at this time. Is it because now seems a “good” time because of you getting married or just because he wants to walk you down the aisle?

I think you should just take a day to sit down and talk to him about everything thats on your mind and hopefully you can get a clearer idea of what each of you want out of your new relationship.

Post # 8
Member
46413 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If I were in your situation I think I would have to give it some time to see where our relationship went.

I probably would still have my grandfather walk me down the aisle. I’m guessing he was more involved in your life than your father.

While your father may have had a “problem”, I’m sure your mother did also-raising his children. I don’t really have much respect for men who can’t man up and support their own children.

 

Post # 9
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think if he really wants to be apart of your life again he’d understand that you want your grandfather who has been more present in your life to walk you down the isle. If he throws a fit or cops an attitude about that fact, it says a lot about his reasons behind resurfacing now.

Post # 10
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think that if you already are having your grandfather walk you down the aisle and he’s someone you’re close to who has been a part of your life, you should probably stick with that. Consider how your mom and the rest of your family would react to your long-lost father suddenly re-appearing when he gets to share the spotlight. Also, if he’s planning to leave your life again or is not planning to stick around, it is not your fault- whether he walks you down the aisle or not. Chances are that if you let him walk you he may end up losing contact sometime after the wedding. Then what happens when you look back on your wedding day? Will it be happy because it was the one time your dad finally made it, or will you be sad because he came to the “big event,” had fun and photo ops, and then bailed when the doldrums of normal contact caught up with him?

My suggestion would be to take it slow. Explain to him, as nicely as you can, that you’d love to build a relationship with him and get to know him (if that’s what you want to do)- but that you’re not ready to let him in enough to do something so important to you. Could he commit to being there for you that day, even if he isn’t walking you down the aisle? You could explain how important his presence would be to you and your sister (if it would be). Maybe he could also commit to meeting you for lunch, and trying to get to know you? 

Post # 13
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think it is fair for him to show up after finding you on Facebook no less and insist on acting like he never left. I would stick with your original plan of having your grandfather walk you down the aisle because you really don’t know anything about your father other than the fact that he was essentially a sperm donor…I don’t mean that to be offensive but that is the truth. I think you should have relationship with him but the first step shouldn’t be down the aisle.

Post # 14
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I totally agree with the others. I would let him into your life but carefully. Perhaps him leaving was the best thing for all if he had a problem to contend with, but he certainly did not handle it correctly. I would not pick my wedding day to start the relationship. Your instincts are right on!

Post # 15
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@misshunter09:This is not the time to make drastic decisions. Follow through with your plans and think about what type of relationship if any you want with your dad. I agree with the other posts, I would take this new relationship really slow.

Post # 16
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

I have never met my father. He left when I was around 2 or 3 and has never sent me a christmas gift, birthday card, or even called to see if I was ok. I am now 29 years old. Like your father, mine has issues-all of which I can not be sure of but from what my mother has devoldged in my later years, it’s probably a better thing that he wasn’t around. If my father showed up like this out of nowhere, I would have mixed feelings as you do. I think it’s so hard for other people to understand what it feels like to have a father that walks out on you and your family. That being said…

I don’t think this is the appropriate time for him to make this grand entrance back into your family. And who’s to say he would be invited back into the family. That is actually up to you and not him. The attention would be on him, and that’s not what your wedding day is about. It’s about you and your Fiance. Second, he doesn’t deserve to walk you down the aisle just because he is you blood-father. He didn’t raise you. He didn’t dry your tears, he wasn’t there when you graduated high school, or when you met your first boyfriend. All the milestones he’s misssed. And this is one of the biggest one’s of them all. Why after all these years why now? Why just because you’re getting married does that entail HIM walking you down the aisle or even being at your wedding? He had no part in your upbringing, and I think you should chose to meet him on your own terms with your sister in order to discover whether this is someone who is safe to invite into your life. I have a sinking feeling about this for some reason, and I think you do too since you are asking us this question.

Take it slow, and make no promises. You don’t owe him anything. I say enjoy your wedding but under no circumstances is he to be there. If you want to fordge a relationship with this man that is ok, but to do it at a wedding seems too overwhelming.

I’m sure you will do what’s right for you, let us know what you decide. Best wishes.

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