(Closed) Missing my ex after a first date. Should I hold off on dating?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

renierose :  I dont necessarily agree with this. Casual dating can also be considered practice runs. All of us, men and women included have certain hang ups and casual dating can help you navigate some of your hang ups. For instance, I had a bad habit of talking alot when I was nervous. It was a major turn off because in my anxiety I was monopolizing the conversation. Im married now to a wonderful Darling Husband, but years ago I learned through casual dating, that my dates were probably just as nervous as I was and how to control my nerves while dating. I also stopped looking at every date as a potential mate and learned to relax a little. When you casually date, there are benefits. You meet new people, no they wont all be potential spouse material but you can widen your social circle, you can grow as a person by improving yourself through interactions with others outside your comfort zone, and you are getting yourself out there. 

I think the problem OP has is that in her mind she built this guy up through text messages and then when it didnt come off with this amazing connection it threw her back into longing for her ex. The thing is, not every date is going to give you a magical connection and if you set your expectation up for a magical connection before every date then OP will definitely be discouraged.

Post # 17
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

princessanon0125 :  I don’t think that we disagree.  My whole point was that casual dating after a break up is helpful when you have internal insecurities.  It helps to see and meet a lot of people to work out those kinks.

My point is that if you’re not ready to date, going out with men who you’re not attracted can make you miss your ex more.  The OP never said that she felt insecure about her dating skills or sex appeal.  She said that she was incredibly disappointed by her date last night.  She was excited to meet him, but thought he was a dud in person.   I think she needs a little more time before she ventures back into dating, so that it won’t upset her as much, not that she should never casually date again.

Post # 18
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

renierose :  I agree with that. If she isnt ready she isnt ready, but I think she built the texting up in her mind to something it wasnt and then she was disappointed when it wasnt what she expected which sent her back into missing the ex. 

Building up someone before you meet them will set you up for failure every time if your expecting magic every single time. I was single for years and went on tons of bad dates, even after I dealt with my own anxiety about dating again after a long relationship. I expected every date to be interesting and magical and when it didnt happen I wished I was back with my ex which was the worst place to be.  I had to stop building it up in my mind and stop expecting it. Once I managed to do that then it was easier..

Btw, hows the baby?

Post # 19
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I was with my ex for a little over 5 years. He broke up with me and I met my husband about two months after that. We were meeting as friends, so that may have helped ease my nervousness. I still missed my ex at the time but I realized I missed the time not him. I hope you can get though it. It’s tough! I remember but sometimes if you pass on one opportunity, you’ll never know what you’re missing. Good luck bee. 

Post # 20
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

princessanon0125 :  again, I agree with what you said.  

The baby is eating, lol.  Most of the time I’m thankful to be past the dating days, but there’s something very special and exciting about not knowing when and how you’ll meet someone special.  My advice to the OP is to take her time healing and to try to relax and enjoy.  Before she knows it, she’ll have a little baby in her arms and will reminisce about her single days.

Post # 21
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

renierose :  HA! I did so many horrible dates I was actually relieved to meet my Darling Husband and get married.

Two of the worst dates I ever had.

Met a guy on a blind date and he asked me how if I like nylons? I said not really as I was living in the southwest at the time and it was desperately hot. He looked at me sort of funny and said, “oh no not on you, on me.” I died laughing. Probably not the best thing to do, but then he grabs my hand and pulls it under the table and he is wearing pantyhose under his pants. I sort of just said okay, and that was that. No offense to someone who likes that sort of thing but it wasnt my cup of tea. 

Second worst blind date. Met the guy for dinner at a local hangout. It was not going anywhere, he was gross at the table. Horrible table manners, he actually spit food when he talked. Anyways when dinner was over I offered to split the cost of dinner. He insisted on paying and walked me to my car. I told him thank you and started to leave and he literally got all offended and said, “wait, I paid for your dinner, dont you think you owe me something?” I whirled around and was like wtf? He said well I did pay for your dinner I usually get a blow job out of these dates.”  I told him, get away from me and my car or I would back over his ass.

Post # 22
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

At the least, keep it to strictly casual dating.

Post # 24
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I have to aree with PP’s! Dating really helped me move on. I had many nights like the one you’re describing – so upset, crying, feeling like I’m not ready. But, I really needed to date to move on. It isn’t ideal, but I wasn’t able to get over my sh*tty relationship, until I met an amazing guy. 

Post # 25
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

kayla037 : Three months is not very long since your breakup. That’s awfully recent in fact. And you were with him 4 years. I would just meet guys to have fun right now. I would also find or make sure you are doing work or hobbies you are passionate about. You will start liking a new man and have a relationship. I have been there and that’s how it’s worked for me when my heart was hurting and I missed an ex.

I agree with you that your texting and being excited for a bit over a new possibility is definitely progress.

I will sure look forward to eventual updates from you about who you meet that gets you over your ex and how/where it happens. But don’t push yourself and do honor your feelings of loss allowing yourself to grieve AND get out of the house. I think the lyric by the band Rise Against is true, that you have to give up on love (i.e. Go through your heartache) to find love again.

 

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