Missing my mom? Any advice?

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 2
261 posts
Helper bee

I’ve lived with in laws before and it can be quite stressful and make you miss the comforts of your own family home. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with how you are feeling. oYou are both still quite young and it takes people different lengths of time to adjust to things. I definitely think that you should work on your social life. It can be very lonely not having many people to talk to and express yourself to, even if you do live with your husband and his parents. Keeping yourself busy with friends could help you to feel more settled and less homesick.

Are there any activities or clubs that you could join to meet people? Whether through school or within the community? I am sure that there is lots to offer like book clubs or sports clubs. You could use it as an excuse to try something new and meet some new people?

In terms of your Mum my only advice is to talk to and visit her as much as you want/are able to. It sounds like you have a close relationship so makes sense that you are missing her. Just be open with your feelings and don’t feel bad for having them. 

Post # 3
5708 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think it is abnormal to miss your mom to that extend.  Two hour phone calls and driving to see her every single night?  I love my mom and call her most days but I think you are almost using her as a crutch. 

I really think this is because you don’t have a life outside your husband other than your mom.  That isn’t to be mean but think about it, when do you do anything for you? 

If your mom doesn’t live far why don’t you have any friends from school or your childhood? 

I think you need to make more of an effort at school to make friends.  It is easy to think you are married so you don’t need to do things like that and it is easy to stay in your comfort zone but only having your mom or your partner isn’t healthy. 

Post # 4
574 posts
Busy bee

One of the challenges of getting married young is that marriage tends to limit people’s social circles (https://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-11321282) When you get married at an older age, you often come in with well-developed relationships, activities, career plans and so on that you can rely on to combat these trends. Many people your age (21, right>?) are meeting new people in their classes, living with different roommates in their dorms or post-college apartments, doing a bunch of jobs, going out to parties, playing on sports teams, doing local theater, playing in bands–basically putting themselves in a position to meet lots of people and try lots of things. 

It sounds like you should try making more of an effort to have other things going on in your life. That can be hard and scary. But it can also lead to a lot more satisfaction and a lot more outlets for your (totally reasonable) interprsonal needs. Your spouse cannot be your everything. As you mature into an adult, your parents cannot be either. It is great that you love them both, but you need more people in your life. While plenty of people get homesick, it usually dissipates when you get involved in other things—-still feeling that badly after two years at your age suggests there is something else is missing in your life. 

Try pushing your comfort zone and meeting some new people and trying some new activities! 

Post # 5
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

I think a counselor would be able to help you work through this emotional distress. It’s nice to have someone listen and get to the bottom of our issues! 

Post # 6
1903 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

dinoprincess1177 :  I totally get missing your mom. My mom died when I was 19, 10 years ago, and I miss her all the time. That being said, even when she was alive and I moved to college, I missed her a lot, but I never had the attachment you do. I also considered my mom my best friend. Consider talking to a counselor to work through your separation and attachment concerns. 

Post # 7
7811 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m an only child and my mom and I are close. We talk or text every day, but for like 15 minutes- not 2 hours. I do think you need friends and to get out more. When you have more going on in your life your balance with your mom will be better.

Post # 8
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

A married woman going home to mom every night on top of two hours on the phone is not normal or healthy. You were very young, too young in my opinion, to be married and on top of that you don’t have a place to call your own. With few other friends it’s no surprise you are having adjustment issues. 

I agree that counseling and a life of your own with and without your spouse outside of your in laws home are good ideas. 

Post # 9
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

dinoprincess1177 :  I’m close with my mom but I can’t imagine what I would talk about on the phone for 2 hours, multiple times a week… 

Why don’t you find some hobbies and try to make friends? Do you and your husband have date nights and have fun together? It sounds like you’re lonely so you keep running back to mom.

Post # 10
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Maybe try easing the separation anxiety little by little by focusing on things you life and how to occupy your time. Im sure mom loves the attention but she would also love you trying new things. 

My mom had a snap chat so I am able to send her whatever at anytime ñ. Although she doesn’t snap back I know she saw it. She is 53. 

Post # 11
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s okay to miss your mom and home, but after 2 years of marriage, your clinginess to her seems extreme.

Maybe next time you feel the urge to call your mom for a long talk, pause for a moment and think honestly about what feeling is driving that urge. Are you lonely? Bored? Irritated with something at your in-laws house? Overwhelmed?

Then, think about what else you could do to resolve those feelings instead of calling your mom. You can still call her, but at least make a list of other ideas you can turn to next time. If you’re lonely, look into local groups or meetups; if you’re bored, consider joining a gym or finding something you can do at your in-laws like cooking or gardening. If your’re upset or overwhelmed, try journaling or going for a walk.

These are all just examples, but if you can learn to identify what emotoin is behind your need to cling to your mom, then you’ll be able to have a healthier relationship with her (you call her when you want to specifically talk to her or share news, instead of needing her) and have a more balanced (and probably happier) life day-to-day.

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