(Closed) Missing thank you notes…

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It is kind of a strange thing for her to do but I would advise you to just let it go. Maybe she didnt tell you because she knew you would react this way. You expressed your concern for her getting engaged so early into the relationship so perhaps she felt that you would lecture her or try to talk her out of it and so it was just easier to keep you in the dark.

Post # 4
13251 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, I would be just as upset. She lied to you, then put on a show where she knowingly lied to most of her guests under the guise of it being a wedding.  I know some people do weddings at a courthouse or Justice of the Peace, especially for military spouses, because of other reasons and have the big celebration later, but my biggest pet peeve is when my friends/family lie to me about it. 

I had a cousin who did this years ago, and I still have that ill will towards him, as do a lot of my family.  So I don’t know what it’ll take to get over it, other than just making the decision to not dwell on it anymore.

Post # 5
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’d be miffed as well.  People get married quickly for any number of reasons, but most consider that their “wedding date” and celebrate their anniversary each year on that date.  It sounds like your friend wanted to have her cake and eat it too – the fast wedding, followed by the hoopla with a big white dress and cake and dancing.  I can almost see this working if she called it what it was, a vow renewal, and was honest with everyone.  But the lying would get to me.

At the end of the day, though, you can’t really change what she did.  You certainly can re-think the friendship if it bugged you that much, though.

Post # 6
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

No advice – what happened is done.

But I’d be pissed too.  PISSED.  I should have the choice to attend a vow renewal without being deceived. 

If you haven’t received a card you could go the passive-aggresive route and call, txt, or email her an “innocent” query like “oh hey, I haven’t heard from you and just wanted to make sure that you did receive that gift we brought to your vow renewal.”

(I don’t play nice with others who screw with me)

Post # 7
3374 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I guess I don’t see the issue? For most people their real wedding date is the wedding, not when they got married or JOP. I actually know several people that got married by the JOP months before their wedding and I attended the wedding. It was no big deal.

Post # 8
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think this situation is becoming more and more common, and I can only reason that your friend didn’t tell you (or most of the rest of her friends) because you all had already expressed that you didn’t think their engagement was a good idea so quickly.

Perhaps she should have called it a “vow renewal” but for all except for the marriage license being signed this WAS their “wedding”. I would just be grateful to celebrate their marriage, regardless of whether or not it was the actual date of what will be their anniversary.

However, not sending a thank you note is an entirely different ballgame, though I don’t see the original wedding as gift-grabbing unless we call all weddings gift-grabbing. They are celebrations of a couple’s love — if you choose to attend that, and bring a gift, that is on you. 

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