Post # 1
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
My Fi and i are in an open relationship and always have been.
I was raped in the August and im just getting back to my normal self but I still feel im am completely lacking in the bedroom. We have slowly been talking about the boundaries of our relationship lately and he keeps bringing up things that leave me speechless and feeling broken. We have only been engaged since Sept but i feel like its too soon for me to begin to talking about other people for him or me. He doesnt intend to reach out to anyone but yesterday he began discussing the idea of changing our strict rules of having to meet any person we include in our relationship and bascially asking to take a mistress that i may or may not know about.
It left me shaking. I told him i wasnt comfortable and he apologised and held me but it doesnt mean that im going to get over the fact that he now wants to just have a mistress on the side.
Whats the point of being in an open relationship then?? I have no idea how to re enter this converstaion or what to feel or say. Im just sick at the idea.
Post # 3
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
I am very sorry to hear that you were raped. *hug* I hope you seek some counseling to help you overcome that.
I honestly don’t have much advice. First, I don’t believe open relationships can work and I’ve never been in one nor would I ever agree to be in one (I just can’t handle it). Second, I think there are a lot of questions that are unanswered.
How long have you two been together? What do you mean by an open relationship – what are your rules? How long has your relationship been open? Whose idea was it? Are you comfortable with that idea (or were you, but are you no longer comfortable with it)?
Post # 4
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee
I’m kind of confused OP.. you’ve always been in a relationship, but the thought of a mistress is a no-no? I think I’d need your definition of “open-relationship” because I think everyone has a slight variation.
Post # 5
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
Ive always wanted open relationships
How long have you two been together? 15 months
What do you mean by an open relationship – what are your rules?No secrets, Must meet any potential partner. Partners will be freiends so we must get to know them FULLY. We also have full veto power on anyone we decide we dont want in our lives.
How long has your relationship been open? Always
Whose idea was it? Both. He has never been in one but i have
Are you comfortable with that idea (or were you, but are you no longer comfortable with it)? I was but i am no longer comfortable with any aspects of sex.
Its like our hearts are full of love for one another but our loins speak a different language (well mine used to)
Post # 6
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
Oh my goodness.So sorry to hear that you were raped. I am too jealous for sm open relationship.I think it complicates things.I hope that you reach a compromise that you are both comfortable with.
Post # 7
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee
Sorry I think I might have asked the same questions as @futuremrsk18:. I think we posted at the same time.
Post # 8
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee
@Jaxxmom: This is something you’re probably going to have to bring up in counseling. I don’t think a lot of bees have experience with open relationships. I know I don’t, so I’m at a loss :/
What would happen if you decide to no longer have an open relationship? Would Fiance be okay with that?
Post # 9
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
@Chrysoberyl: I have been talking with my councellor about this. I had to switch councellors because of benefit coverage so were just getting back into the important issues.
I have asked him if we could consider closing it, even for a few years and he said no.
Post # 10
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee
@Jaxxmom: What the.. seriously? You went through something HUGE and he won’t budge on the topic?
Post # 11
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
@Jaxxmom: So how does the open relationship work? Your SO brings in a girl and you are friends with her and she has sex with your SO? And you have to know about it?
When you say you love each other, but your loins speak another language, that honestly sounds very conflicting to me. Do you guys have sex with each other – or did you, at least before August?
Have you sought counseling since August?
Post # 12
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
@Chrysoberyl: My first reaction was confused, too – but it’s hard because they’ve always been in an open relationship and it sounds like it was at her idea. It’s the type of relationship they’ve agreed to and has worked for them. Perhaps it won’t work for them anymore and maybe they shouldn’t be together if what they want out of the relationship isn’t the same thing. It’s really hard to say because it’s a topic I’m so unfamiliar with.
Post # 13
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee
This is something INCREDIBLY personal and difficult for us to be able to judge/help with the situation. Keep going to counseling. Whatever you do, do it for YOU.
What got me kind of miffed at her Fiance (even though it’s none of my business) is that she said that he had not been in open relationships before her. I feel like, if he was able to do it before, he can do it again for her.
Post # 14
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
@Chrysoberyl: I know. Sometimes i just wanna be all dramatic and just call off the engagement because the relationship has changed but he has been so respectful to anything i need. Its weird but its like we now have seperate lives. He has his sexual needs and i have my sexual issues. I know couples go through stuff when they first get engaged or go through major trauma but its only been a few months.
@futuremrsk18: I am in councelling and its not like we have group orgies regularly. Its more like we all have different sexual needs. We all have different ways of looking at sex. We dont associate sex with love but i now associate sex with some badass memories.
Its not like we want to end the relationship because we know we are the only people we want to be with. We BOTH discussed each aspect of our relationship from the begginging.
I was hoping to hear from some bees that have more expertise in the idea of alernative relationships.
Post # 15
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
IMO I think you guys should wait before bringing some one into your relationship. You are probably in no condition to deal with someone new in your relationship. I think you guys should postpone this whole conversation once you are feeling better. Your partner should understand.
Post # 16
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
@Chrysoberyl: I feel like, if he was able to do it before, he can do it again for her.
Bang on the head!
