(Closed) Mistress Conversation

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 17
Member
2266 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Jaxxmom:  I have trouble respecting the idea that you “may or may not” know about the mistress. I mean.. come on.. at least from a health standpoint you deserve to know her. I don’t think that he’s going to GIVE you anything, but still. That’s something you should at least know about.

Post # 18
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

Just my opinion:

Open relationships seldom work.  Relationships are hard enough already with just two people.

If he said no to closing the relationsihip after such a traumatic experience he’s not your guy.

 

Post # 19
Member
11265 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Jaxxmom:  i am sorry that you are dealing with the rape.  it sounds like your relationship has always worked well for the both of you.  with your libido on hold, which i can completely understand, i believe that your fi needs to accept closing the relationship until you are healthy again. 

you are obviously going to counselling but i think it would be a good idea if the two of you go to couples counselling as well.  he needs to recognize the extent of your wounds and be there for you as a fi.

Post # 21
Member
2266 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Jaxxmom:  Seriously. I think he needs to be a bit more understanding. It’s not like it’s so alien to him. He’s done it before for a girl that was just a girlfriend. I believe he should be able to do it 1) for a fiancee and 2) for a woman that’s gone through a horrible experience.

I think couples counselling will help him realize just how deep these emotional wounds are. They can be healed, but understanding needs to come first.

Post # 22
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1993

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@mypinkshoes:  couples councelling! yup yup! If he loves you he’ll do it.

Post # 23
Member
2266 posts
Buzzing bee

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@lovin_iswhatigot:  I hate to use the “if you love me you’ll do this for me” phrase but I think this is the one time it’s SUPPOSED to be used!

Post # 24
Member
47430 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The minimum I think you should be able to expect from a partner is love and support as you recover from such a traumatic event as rape. AND BY THAT, I MEAN MORE THAN A FEW MONTHS!!

I heartily support the idea of couples counselling. This dude needs someone bedsides you to tell him that this is a completely disrespectful idea considering what has happened to you. He is disprespecting you and your relationship.

Post # 26
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The open/poly realtionships I have known of (never been in one myself but am very supportive of them) are all about open communication and trust. It doesn’t seem like he is listening or respecting your needs right now and that’s not fair.
It’s not okay to have a mistress because it will be something that’s secret from you.
I agree that a poly friendly counselor might help.

 

Lots of hugs and love to you during this time xo

Post # 27
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m sorry OP but your SO is NOT respecting you if he is unwilling to close the relationship when you have JUST gone through such a life shaking event. That is not loving or respectful. 

Post # 28
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have been in my share of open relationships, and I think that this is just inappropriate. Like you said, the success of the arrangement rests on communication, trust and openness. If he is going behind your back it is cheating, even if you are in an open relationship! I am kind of conflicted on this situation… You agreed to the terms of this relationship going in, so he has a right to say no to changing them (just like if you two were exclusive and one wanted to open it). At the same time, you also have the right to leave a relationship that is not working for you. Plus, he is being a really insensitive jerk. You went through a trauma, and it seems like he is not being considerate at all. I think couples counciling is a good idea, but I would also think really hard about whether you are willing to be open until death do you part, because it seems like that is what your partner expects. Just make sure that you two are of the same page so this doesn’t become an issue down the line -hugs-

Post # 29
Member
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Just speculating here, but maybe for some people, the secrecy of having someone on the side is part of the excitement. In an open relationship where you both get to know the other people, there is no secrecy… maybe that’s what he’s looking for.

Regardless, if that’s not what you agreed on when you established the boundaries of your relationship, then it’s cheating.

The topic ‘Mistress Conversation’ is closed to new replies.

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