Post # 32
I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with the emotional wreckage from the recent events in your life. I can’t even imagine.
That being said, I think your SO is being very insensitive and unreasonable in regards to your feelings, especially considering what happened to you. Your emotionally well-being should be first and foremost in his mind, and common sense is that people that suffer that kind of trauma need a lot of time to heal emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and he’s not offering you the support you need. It’s like he’s assuming you’re just going to bounce back very quickly, or you should be over it by now.
I’m glad you are going to counseling regarding this matter, and I don’t know if he is joining you, but if not, he should be. Sex is important in a relationship, but there are other ways to build intimacy. His primary relationship should be with YOU, not a mistress, and he should respect your feelings, regardless of your past relationship “rules.” Those rules were void when someone violated you, and he should have realized that his role was to protect you and nurture you, not pressure you and make you feel inadequate.
Post # 33
No advice, just hugs. You are so strong to ask for help when you need it. Now is the time for your fiance to step up. He will. You deserve it.
Post # 34
Have you ever/do you read dan savage’s sex advice column? He talks a lot about open/monogamish relationships and seems to have a lot of experience/give good advice on what is and isn’t okay. Maybe he can give you the insight you’re looking for.
Relationships are all about trust and your fiancé is being selfish. it sounds like he wants to do something that would clearly violate your trust. That’s dangerous territory to be in. I almost would say that since he’s being inflexible (won’t close the relationship and give you time to heal), maybe he’s looking for a way out or maybe he’s taking you for granted. Either way, things change. If you’re not comfortable in an open relationship right now, do not push yourself. You were the one who was hurt, NOT him. You don’t have to accomodate him, he should be trying to accomodate you.
Post # 35
That is definitely a good point. But, I’m thinking that maybe this relationship has been working up until now BECAUSE it was an open relationship. I’m not saying that he’s not being insensitive or disrespectful, because he should definitely be putting her needs before his at a time like this, but maybe he’s seeing it as – my needs won’t be met anymore and that changes the dynamic of the relationship.
I also agree with couples counseling. And perhaps discussing with him how you feel and how hurt you are and that you need time. However, if you started the relationship as an open relationship and now you’re asking to close it, is that a permanent decision – do you know the answer to that yet? Because that might change your entire relationship.
Post # 36
It sounds to me like if you’re engaged, and intend to be together for the rest of your lives- he needs to give the open relationship aspect a rest for a while. At least until you’re feeling better, then you can discuss how you’d like the future of your relationship to pan out. If he doesn’t want to do this, then you should absolutely leave him- he is truly not taking your needs into account.
May I ask (and you totally don’t have to answer this)- were you raped by a stranger or was it by someone involved in your open realtionship? Sorry if that is an innapropriate question, but if it was by someone you were involved with, then your fiance should DEFINITELY be taking your preferences into account
I’m terribly sorry to hear this happened to you and I hope you find peace. I wish you all the best!
Post # 37
it was one of his lovers husbands.
Just so everyone knows – We had a long talk and i guess there are two sides to every story.
He thought it was something i wanted. He had no idea i was withdrawing from him because i was hurt. He thought that I wanted to get back into things. It shocked me at first but consider that I stopped telling him about my councelling, I never deleted all my dating accounts. I used to have text messaging that he could read on all of my devices and i got rid of all of it. Im at home on diability and he doesnt know what i do all day because i refuse to tell him and i would encourage him to go out and hang out with his female friends while taking time to go see mine.
It does paint an aquard picture. I explained all of that behaviour to him but perception is reality if your not communicating.
Things are back on track now and we want to look into councelling to work through these communication issues to make sure that our relationship remains healthy, no matter what phase of it we are in.
Post # 38
Glad to hear you are feeling better and are going to see a counselor. I’m so sorry tht happened to you! I’m in an open marriage and totally agree that he should be happy to close the relationship for awhile. or even a long while!
Post # 39
holy mother of god!
with even MORE reason he should be on board about closing the relationship!
What did he do when you told him about it?
he’s so selfish and he’s acting like a TOTAL PRICK!
Post # 40
Glad he got his act together, but I hope that involves closing the relationship if that’s what you need. Why did he think you were into it if you asked him to close it? Whatever happens, I hope you’re safe and happy and that he’s going with you to counseling.
Post # 41
When i told him about the whole thing he FReAKED out. I initially was too scared to report it but he made sure i talked to the police, took care of myself and went into councelling. I think im going into a depression phase now though and i had shut down. he hadnt seen me depressed before so he didnt know what to think. At first i was so strong and proud to get justice and all that but the last month i just feel crazy. The range of emotions i have had in the last few months have been extreme and unwelcome but now that were talking again things are feeling better and we just need to find a couples councellor we both like.
Post # 42
My recommendation would be to contact your local rape crisis centre and find a counsellor who specializes in sexual trauma. Try and get into a sexual trauma group if you can; you’ll find other non-judgmental women there that can support you in your recovery. And don’t expect it to be an overnight thing, because it’s not. If you don’t deal with it appropriately, it will come and bite you in the behind.
Good luck, stay safe, and remember that you are a worthy, beautiful, caring human being.
Post # 43
hi i was just reading dan savage’s column and thought of you/this post. (he’s a great sex and relationship columnist and he’s pretty good at understanding and advising people who have nontraditional aspects to their relationships like you and your Fiance.) If you read #2 on this link, he says that either partner in an open relationship should have the ability to close off the relationship for a while and i can’t think of a better reason than yours. you’re the one he’s in a relationship with, you should be the priority here. Here’s the link http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=4555806
Post # 45
Personally, I thik the dealing with the emotionl trauma of the rape really should be the first priority. And open relationship or not, to suggest a mistress at this time is extremely insensitive. I can see why you are really upset by this. Take care of yourself, you have to.