(Closed) Mixed feelings? Normal?

posted 7 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Miss. RubyLove:  Hey pretty lady, sounds like you need a hug!

Well first, a few thoughts on some questions you brough up:

1) Will he resent me? Maybe, but if you don’t have children you will resent him. It’s a tricky situation but there’s no easy answer at the moment.

2) Did I talk him into it? To an extent perhaps, but at the end of the day he is an adult and should not agree to something if he is completely against it. He may have fears/doubt due to difficult experiences regarding having children in the past, but at the end of the day if he gave you the go ahead he better have fully thought it through and come to terms with that fact. Sure, he may have some SLIGHT resentment towards you at times (when I say at times I mean PRIOR to the child being born), but once he has that baby I’m sure he’ll come to realize just how amazing this choice was. If you’re honestly concerned after having a child that he would be so immature/cruel as to blame you for “forcing him” or some such nonsense, than I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk NOW, before any child is conceived.

3) Will he love them as much as his first? Of course sweetie!

4) Will his friends constantly judge me? Honestly, do not concern yourself with them! It is not their place to judge you, and more notably, he is a grown ass man capable of making his own decisions, I would hope he wouldnt be throwing you under the bus to them and making it seem like he had no choice in the matter. Also, my husband and I like to remind each other that each of us has a choice in our own lives and the other can’t make it “for them” for the others sake. What I mean by this is that sure, maybe your husband’s a little apprehensive about the whole “more children” situation at the moment, but he also knows that it’s a very serious and legitimate issue that is important to you, and unfortunately it may very well be something you would have to leave him for. Of course it’s a tough situation, but such is life- and so he’s told you that he has chosen YOU, and that yes it may be hard and it may not be something he would push for himself at the moment, but he knows he would rather have some extra stress along his life than the thought of losing you. Now the tough part on your end is to accept his choice. Us women (I have been here) sometimes feel as though it’s not fair for the other person and want to make the decision for him by saying “you deserve such and such”…and at the end of the day it’s not our place. As long as he understands that he IS of course making a real decision, and later on doesn’t try to play the victim card. :/

5) Will he still think I’m attractive? I think this is a pretty universal concern, and honestly who knows, some men find pregnant woman extremely attractive, and some men have trouble with certain aspects, but it’s all fairly temporary in the long term, and at the end of the day this question boils down to: am I willing to never bear children for the sake of vanity? You know the answer 🙂

6) Am I ready to loose quality time with him? You mentionned he already has a son so I imagine you two have already faced some challenges in this regard. I don’t feel that “losing quality of time” is the right way to look at it, less sleep and less time sure, but couples have done this for as long as humans have been around, so it’s certainly workable. 😉 

7) Should I just finish the next 6 years with my step son and travel the world…and never carry a child of my own? LOL no, I don’t think you sound very happy with your statement here :/ The reality is that sure, some people don’t have kids and have a very happy fulfilling life, but if you have the desire to have kids, I don’t imagine any amount of travelling etc will conpensate for that. Of course there are many perks in not having children, but it’s our most basic biological and sociological need and if you DO feel that, I don’t think trying to convince yourself otherwise will ever successfully subjugate that. You may love your step son very much and sure, in 6-7 years he’ll be flying the nest, but as you listed there are numerous reasons why you seem to really want to have children of your own biologically (if possible of course).

I think you do need to put on the brakes and have a very serious conversation with your husband. You said he’s a man of few words, fair enough, but I think you need to sit him down and express that YES this is a tough situation, and one that is difficult to “compromise” on, and yes it would be a serious issue if he said he does not want children, BUT if he agrees to ttc now he had full well come to terms with the fact that this is something he CHOSE and not something you forced on him. He doesn’t have to write a novel in return, but there should be a clear understanding between the both of you that if you proceed he needs to know that he did have a say in the matter, and the time to do so is NOW, not once you get a BFP and then he starts acting like a passive agressive jerk 😉 Lol hope this helps! *hugs*

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