Mixed feelings… thinking of running. Need Help

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s been two days since you posted this. Are you still in the same frame of mind, wanting to run?

You said you wished this had happened earlier, which I take to mean that you would end the relationship, but you’ve been with him so long that it feels wrong to end it now. If that is what you’re saying, then I would like you to know that leaving may be the right thing to do even if it feels bad initially. 

I think what happened is that your sister’s plans to wed have shown you how you truly feel about this. Your feelings may seem wrong, but what if they’re right? Not that you’re right to be jealous, but that you do want to be married and, even though you’d like to go with his plan, waiting for your boyfriend to be set financially to pay for all of those things he wants to pay for is just not for you. 

Someone may be right for you but have one or two goals that you simply can’t live with. In such a case, you have to focus on how you feel and what you’re not getting and whether you can live with that. Can you live this way, OP?

Think about yourself and your needs and wants. Nothing else — not the length of the relationship or him. This matter is all about your life and what you want for it.

Post # 3
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Just to clarify, to what extend have you discussed engagement with him? Does he know that you wouldn’t mind a long engagement? Have you talked to him about his idea of being wealthy? Where does this come from? What would really change if you get married? I feel that some cultures/society give the fale expectation of marriage means having a perfect life. But life goes on like normal in my eyes. It’s not like marriage is the climax of life. Some men seem to think that the have to be “worthy” of marriage, by having a very good job or having a lot of money. While stability is great, I don’t really see, why it is intertwined with marriage?

So I would advise you to try to talk to him openly about your feelings and about his expectations about himself. And this doesn’t mean giving him ultimatums.

Post # 4
Member
6437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Having a frank discussion of timelines has nothing to do with ultimatums unless you choose to have them correlate. But any responsible adult ought to have dicussions with their SO if they want marriage in their future, not just hope and remain silent. So I am not sure this all falls on your boyfriend’s shoulders.

But if your resentment will not fade over this, then it may be time to move on. Whatever you do, do not fall for the sunken cost fallacy that tells you you need to stay because you have already spent six years with him. He and the relationship are either right for you or they are not, and that has nothing to do with how long you have spent with him. Spending MORE time will not make him or the relationship more right if they are currently wrong.

But regardless of whether you decide to stay or leave, you need to have discussions about your future before something like this blindsides you. You deserve to know where your life and relationship is headed and when. That isn’t pressuring someone; it is a realistic discussion of the future. If he cannot have that discussion, then he may never be ready to marry anyone.

Post # 5
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Oh Bee, this was heartbreaking to read. Sending you some cyber hugs.

If it helps, I don’t think you necessarily need to give an ultimatum in order to have a conversation about what appears to be very different goals between the two of you.

You could simply lay it all out to him, just as you did here. Tell him how you’re feeling, without holding back in order to not appear too pushy. You don’t have to tell him you’re ready to walk if you don’t want to. But I think you do need to tell him how much pain this is causing you and why.

Your feelings matter. Your goals and needs and wants in life matter. This is your life, and you deserve to live it in a way that makes you most happy. I think we as women way too often silence our own feelings and needs and wants in order to not rock the boat or be “too dramatic” or push the envelope, and it’s just such bullshit.

Ask yourself this: Why are your goals, needs and wants on the back burner in order to accommodate his?  Why is it not the other way around? Why does his wanting to be wealthy and meet all these goals before finally marrying the person he claims to love trump your desire to marry the person you love sooner? Why can’t he put those goals off a bit for you and reach for them together after you’re married, instead of you putting yours aside for him?

I can’t tell you what to do in this situation. All I can tell you is what I would do if I were in your shoes, and I would definitely run. But first, I’d have that conversation, where all the cards are on the table. No more tip-toeing around his idea of when it should happen, and not putting pressure on him, and not giving ultimatums. No more accepting that his goals/needs/wants are somehow more important than my own.

Because you know what? That’s also not good for marriages.

Let him sit with that for a while, and if he doesn’t at least engage in an honest conversation with you, where your feelings are given just as much weight as his seem to be given?

Well, then you have your answer.

Post # 6
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

somedaymrsj :  Love this post. 

OP he’s put you in a very unfair situation where you’re not happy with the way things are but he’s trying to pre-emptively silence you by saying ultimatums are unacceptable to him. So does he consider an honest open discussion to be an ultimatum? It seems he’s focusing only on what he wants and you’re not allowed to question it without proving to him you’re not fitting his criteria of a desirable spouse. That’s frankly unsettling. Additionally, he seems to have rather unrealistic material goals he wants to achieve before marriage, suggesting he’s either using this as an excuse not to be engaged yet or he’s overly focused on attaining wealth, even at the expense of your happiness. Sorry Bee, but I’m not getting a good vibe at all about this. 🙁 

Post # 7
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I agree with PP’s in that it sounds like you need to have a heart to heart conversation with your bf about timelines. It’s difficult when people around you begin to get engaged before you, especially when you feel like you’ve been waiting forever for your moment, but your sisters situation isn’t your bf’s fault and it sounds like he didn’t know that you had this internal timeline (getting engaged before your sister). Give him a chance to make it up to you by proposing within a timeframe you both set. 

Post # 8
Member
10660 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

whatdoidonow123 :  

How is it that your bf gets to own your shared future?

He decides when you are ready.

He makes the “no ultimatums” rule.

He decides he has to be uber rich before you two can marry.

 

Bee, can you see what a pile of bs this is? You have surrendered control over your entire future to a bf who, frankly, is not doing a very good job with it.

A lot of the Bees are anti ultimatum.  This is usually because they don’t understand them.  The real purpose of an ultimatum is to take care of yourself. That’s it.  If you don’t feel like you can continue waiting, that is a completely valid position.  If your bf wants more time, that’s a completely valid position. The trouble is, you don’t have that time to give him. You cannot give someone something you don’t have.

Fundamental fairness and good faith mandate that you let your partner know your position. You love him very much; but, you have simply run out of time. You cherish the love that you have and would hate to have to walk away.  But, you love yourself more. You need marriage.  You need a family.  And you are ready to move forward toward those goals. You hope your bf is, too.  But, if not, you must move on.

Thus, if by X date, he still feels not ready, you will have to end the relationship and move on.

If you do this, you absolutely must be prepared to follow through and leave.  Otherwise, you did not issue an ultimatum, you just played a game of manipulation.

 

When done in good faith and complete authenticity, an ultimatum is all about taking your power back and regaining control over your own life.

Where people become ultimatum phobic is when it’s used for manipulation.  Basically, one partner threatens to end the relationship by X date if Partner A doesn’t propose.  That’s completely wrong.  Manipulation is always completely wrong.  

Bee, I am also concerned with how inauthentic you are in your relationship. Bottling things up, tying yourself up in knots, and crying in secret are all terribly unhealthy. The Bees are right.  It’s long past time to have an open, honest discussion with your bf.  If he hears that as “pressure”, store that information away. If you marry, you will have a husband who dodges discussions he doesn’t want to have.

And the very, very, very, . . . wealthy silliness; that’s just childish. There is certainly nothing wrong with having the desire and intent to accumulate wealth.  So, exactly what is he doing to make that happen?  What are his plans for the next six months? The next year? Three years?  Five years? Ten years? Anyone planning to earn megabucks should have concrete goals and plans for achieving them all mapped out.  I’d bet the farm that this guy does not.

Post # 9
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

whatdoidonow123 :  ” I remind him that i am not married to him and i call him my boyfriend, cause he is my boyfriend. He gets a bit mad when I corrected someome that accidently called him my husband.”

You pushed him away. You showed him you dont want to be married. I dont know what else to say.

I get your frustration and I agree about it feeling forced. But you constantly remind him that he’s JUST your boyfriend. You dont let him take next steps. Why would he be excited?

Post # 10
Member
9666 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

That is not pushing him away. He is not her husband, why should he get to pretend he is while simultaneously claiming he’s not ready? He is just her boyfriend and that 100% his choice. Taking the next step is not calling her his wife, taking the next step is taking action – proposing and getting married.  downonmulberry :  

Post # 11
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

You can talk to him without giving him an ultimatum.  You can say that while you see his points and understand where he is coming from, an engagement would mean a lot to you and you dont want to wait until he is very very very wealthy to have one.

Post # 12
Member
4036 posts
Honey bee

downonmulberry :  No. She just pointed out to him that saying a  thing does not make it so. He needed to hear it. OP there is a world of difference between an ultimatum and talking about your needs.

Post # 13
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

hikingbride :  I’m just saying that if someone kept pushing me away, I would be scared to take such a huge step. If they’ve talked about marriage in the near future, he would be confident. But pushing someone away makes it seem more risky.

whatdoidonow123 : I apologize, I should have put more time into my previous comment and it came off ruder than I intended (at work).

OP don’t run. He seems like a nice guy. Maybe taking a little too much on his plate but I would rather have a guy who wants to pay for everyone than be a deadbeat. He may have interpreted your words and actions negatively and lost confidence. Men are surprisingly sensitive.

My boyfriend is similar in that provider mindset….he wants to have the house first so we have something for us and our kids before we get engaged. I’ve explained to him I’m a little worried about waiting to get engaged based on a house because it could add too much time to the process, since the marker is out of our control. We’ve since agreed the two are not mutually exclusive. It’s a want but not a need. Your boyfriend may have unrealistic expectations. My boyfriend’s mom once said to me “if you wait until you have a perfect financial picture to have kids, you will never be ready; life will kick your ass no matter what.”

And it is possible to have an honest conversation with him without giving him an ultimatum. Don’t threaten him. I would just explain to him honestly that you’re surprised by your own feelings and share them with him before they get worse. If he’s the right guy, he will understand and make it special when it happens.

Post # 14
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee

whatdoidonow123 :  don’t stay with him because you’ve sunk a lot of your life into this guy. Stay with his because he’s going to fulfill your hopes and dreams. His belief that he must be extremely wealthy to get married is very flawed. Most of us would love to care for our parents in that way but will never be able to. He seems a bit unrealistic in that sense so will he ever propose if he doesn’t meet his goals? Will you be happy with no proposal while your sister is happily married? 

Post # 15
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I would just talk to the dude. You’ve been together for half a decade. If you’re not close enough to feel comfortable putting these feelings on the table, I’d take a step back and try to figure out why. 

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