(Closed) Mixed Genders at the Parties

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Your SIL is being a bitch.

Yes relationships between sisters, brothers, and sisters and brothers are different, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have your close siblings be a part of your wedding events just because you don’t share anatomy. More and more people are doing couples showers instead of bridal showers (My sister just had one today) and coed bachelor/ette parties.

You do you. Sorry about the strain on your relationship with your brother.

Post # 3
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

BigD:  hasnt she ever heard of a Jack and Jill shower? Its pretty common where I live.

your SIL is a bitch, it seems like she has an issuebwith how close you are which is weird bc your HIS SISTER not some random chick. 

Ive been to a Jack and Jill shower and everyone has fun, including the straight men. There are plenty of games to get guys involved, and even couple games. They are a lot of fun.  

Post # 4
407 posts
Helper bee

BigD:  Sounds as though your SIL has some really odd gender issues. A lot of people do, however. I came from a very conservative background which held very strange divides between men and women. Now that I’ve become a Counseling Psychology student, I’m under the impression that a lost of gender-typing is cultural or it’s an easy way for those who can’t read people well to put others into easily digestable categories.

Don’t let her get to you. You’re not the strange one, she is. You’re completely normal in this regard, and so is the relationship with your brother. As someone who is very close to her older brother, and then will also be having another close male friend as a bridesman at the wedding, I fail to see how her objections remotely stand. My bridesman will be apart of the shower (which will be Jack & Jill) and any bridesmaid luncheon or whatnot we plan. Fiance thinks all of this is awesome and makes everything more communal and fun.

Post # 5
1184 posts
Bumble bee

She sounds weird. Sorry but you’re his sister not a random woman. I think she’s very insecure and sounds like the kind of woman who thinks that their husband should forever put them first above all things. Very bitchy behaviour from her. And very backwards gender views. 

Do what suits you and your brother. Ignore her as she sounds lukedchat a whole pile of crazy. 

Post # 6
533 posts
Busy bee

If sil is so locked into gender roles that it is impacting your relationship with your brother, would you consider renaming stuff  to reflect that they are more gender inclusive? Example alike Daisy 914 said a Jack and Jill shower not a bachelor and or bachlorett party.

Or does she think men and women can not be friends ever ever; and that doing fun stuff with someone who doesn’t have the same bathing suit parts as you is weird and wrong, always and forever? If this is the case, you are going to have to work hard to maintain your relationship with your brother and cut him lots of slack.  It is going to be a constant challenge for him to maintain a close relationship with you. 

Post # 7
256 posts
Helper bee

Your SIL sounds like she’s in a whole other decade! Not nice.

My bridal party is a mix of my best friends; my twin brother/bandmate, my other (male) bandmate, my 4 best girlfriends (one of them wearing a suit for her comfort), and my two younger sisters! 

We haven’t had anyone directly saying anything about it? I think it’s mostly because mixed genders in a party is more common now!

I say ignore what she has to say and carry on planning the wedding how you and your SO want it! 🙂

Post # 9
1455 posts
Bumble bee

BigD:  Oh man I thought I was gonna come here and read something about a random girl going to these parties that was making someone uncomfortable. You’re his sister FFS and she doesn’t get to define your relationship just because she married your brother. Gently remind her that this is your wedding so you get to do things your way this time. She had her way and you were excluded during their wedding. What a strange woman. 

Post # 10
460 posts
Helper bee

BigD:  Without knowing more about your SIL I’d say she is very irrational person, and since you can’t reason with an irrational person, if it was me I’d say something along the lines of, “look, you clearly have very rigid views of gender roles which I do not share. You will never be able to convince me to come around to your point of view and I expect that I also won’t be able to convince you to come around to my point of view. Therefore I suggest we just put this topic to rest. This is my bachelorette party and my wedding which I will throw in the way I see fit. You are entitled to your own viewpoints and I have listened to them and thought about them but ultimately I still disagree with them. My brother says he’s happy to go ahead with our plan and unless he tells me otherwise I trust that he and I are still on the same page with all this, and I will go ahead with these ideas that he and I have agreed upon.”

Post # 12
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think if I were in your SIL’s position, I’d make a few passive agressive comments about you going to his bachelor party. Cuz that does seem a bit weird to me. I mean – bachelor parties already weird me out a little. The fact that you could be there but I couldn’t would rub me the wrong way.

But who gives a crap who’s invited to your shower and bachelorette?? This has absolutely nothing to do with her. She’s being pretty awful. This is not about her. 

Post # 13
12528 posts
Honey Beekeeper

She’s being absurd. While her friends are fully entitled to host and plan events for her group of friends it is strange that you wouldn’t  even be invited to her shower. 

You can, of course, ask your brother  to be your man of honor, and he can accept with or without his wife’s approval of non-traditional gender roles at weddings.  

My only real question is how sure are you that your brother really has any wish at all to host those pre-wedding events or that at least some of this pushback is not coming from him?  It is not appropriate to be planning parties in your own honor, nor can you enlist other people to help you do so. If your brother has offered unsolicited, it’s one thing, but you can’t volunteer him. 

I’d say the same thing if he were a woman.  

As for inviting men to your shower, if they don’t want to come, and have no interest, they won’t. 

Post # 14
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I think you should have a talk with your brother, it seems you’re SIL is determined to come between you and he is the person who needs to address that.

Post # 15
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

She’s insane, but don’t poke the bear… This is your brother’s wife, if you want to stay close to him forever and ever (which I’m assuming you do) you don’t want to alienate yourself from her either.

Just be firm, say that you respect her opinion, but it’s important to you he be involved.

I have to say, I have a friend who was the lone male among bridesmaids, he didn’t attend any of the shower/bachelorette activities, but he was invited to all and allowed to make his own choice in the matter.

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