Post # 16
weddingmaven: This is a thought I had which is why it is ultimately up to him. He can be a hard read so yes, its possible but he has expressed interest in the past so I dont know. However, I know these beliefs are hers, Ive heard similar ones in relation to other things.
Im not planning any of these events. My mom and aunts are organising the “shower” which I know is poor etiquette in some places but is perfectly normal if not expected where I am and my other bridesmans asked if she should step up for the bachelorette because SIL told her he wouldnt be planning. Apparently he and my Bridesmaid or Best Man have already talked plans in the past but then SIL called and told them to go ahead because it would be inappropriate with him and she is putting her foot down. SO Ive been hearing about it but I am not planning it. I gather my other Bridesmaid or Best Man ad her have been clashing over it and both in turn have been complaining to me.
Post # 17
lmo013: This is my ultimate concern. In other ways, its clear that she is distancing herself and him from the family and I dont what to lose that relationship. Im trying to balance having him apart of it while respecting his wife. I also dont want to be the cause of any stress in his life over something that isnt that important in the end. I would prefer he is there but a party isnt worth causing any strive so Im backing off and leaving the ball in his court. Ive expressed how I feel and my other Bridesmaid or Best Man is more then happy to take over if necessary. I just wanted to make sure it wasnt some etiquette breach and frankly vent somewhere safe before letting it get to me.
Post # 18
I have to say that yes I find these scenarios a little weird. Just weird, not bad. Not in line with my personal way of thinking perhaps. However as your sister in law there is no way on earth I would consider putting MY concept of wedding/gender rolls on YOU. I’d never dream of getting between you and your brother. And maybe my perspectives would evolve a little from seeing the way you did things, and that is always a good thing.
I guess I can see the sil give pause, hesitate a little or have trouble understanding/feel threatened initially because the concept is so foreign to her. But she needs to work that out, get with the program & be supportive.
My guess is that the root of the problem for her or between you & her is that all of this, your close connection to her husband makes her feel threatened/insecure. I know many examples of this weird little undercurrent between SIL’s within my circles.
Post # 19
Your sister seems overly concerned about etiquette and how things will look to other people “oh my, that just isn’t done!” than she is about people’s feelings. She sounds old school and judgmental and maybe a bit snobby. You seem more modern and relaxed and inclusive. I don’t think you’ll gain her approval (I have this same problem with a few of SO’s relatives, they’re upper middle class conservative and I’m working class very liberal) nor would you want to compromise your values and beliefs to gain her approval. I would be open and honest with my brother, as in “I don’t think SIL approves of the way I do things and I’m worried this will come between us”
Post # 20
BigD: Your sister-in-law needs to get out of the 1950s. This is a huge reason I hate, hate, hate traditional bachelor parties (and why my husband and I didn’t have them). “Men need man time and they can’t have fun with women there! Unless the women are naked, of course!” What, are they 10-year-olds who think girls have cooties and need a “No girls allowed” sign? Your sister-in-law is buying into negative stereotypes about her own gender, which is just weird to me. I also think it’s mean and spiteful to have an entire party to celebrate the fact that your partner isn’t there and do things they wouldn’t approve of. Your joint one sounds way more fun and positive – you’re celebrating your marriage, rather than mourning being single!
I truly wish these old-fashioned gender stereotypes would die out.