(Closed) Mixed messages, unsure about what’s next

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Just wait it out…if he has a ring then a proposal is imminent, it’s just a matter of time…if he was on the fence, no ring, no dad talk, I would consider walking…but if he’s gone so far as to buy the ring you should stick it out…guys are notorious for holding onto rings for months before popping the question…just relax and let him get around to it when he feels that the time is right!

Post # 4
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

He wants a real life example of marriages that work? He does have one. Your parents. Yeah. He didn’t grow up watching that relationship work but he can witness it NOW. 

I agree to give it some more time. There is always a chance that he does feel 100% about you, just not 100% about the marriage establishment. It’s a big thing. And the fact that he’s nervous shows that he’s really considering it in a very serious way. Give it more time. IF after a while he’s still back and forth about it there is nothing wrong with just asking what’s going on and reaffirming you’re on the same page.

Post # 5
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’ve been in your situation.  My first husband promised our Christmas was going to be the best and most memorable Christmas I ever had, then he bought me a purse as a gift! : (  I understand a guy being nervous about asking, but building things up and not following through is cruel, IMO.  My first husband did eventually propose to me 3-4 months later when I asked him to move out.  I guess the thought of losing me was sobering for him.  I’m certainly not suggesting you do that, but I am suggesting that you tell him that his build up to nothing is cruel and he should immediately stop that.  If you’re willing to wait longer, wait.  If you’re willing to give him a timeline, give him one.  There is no reason why you shouldn’t be honest with him about what your intentions are.  

Post # 6
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

I hear ya, girl. My SO and I agreed to get married in June 2012. In early December, when I began to doubt that this would actually happen– he reassured me that “everything would work out.” However… it’s the end of December now. We haven’t even looked at rings. And he hasn’t talked with my parents yet (something he told me he’d like to do).  

Bottom line, I completely understand your frustration/sadness/confusion about the whole “mixed messages” thing. Actions speak louder than words, gentlemen!  

Post # 7
Member
4360 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m sorry about all of this.  It must be so frustrating.  I agree with PPs.  Just give him more time…

Post # 8
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

I think open communication is key. Mr. Aardvark assured me we would be engaged before we moved for his job and we weren’t! (Little did I know the jewelry store called him on the day we were moving to let him know the ring was there (about a week later than expected). Lets just say I was not a happy camper (I did not know he had ordered one) but when he finally got a chance to get away and pick up the ring, he proposed that same day. I felt bad for being so grumpy about it not know he was wait on pins an needles too!

I think a frank conversation about your feeling and the mixed messages will go a long way.

Best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

I have no advice. It seems like you two have pretty good communication, just that he isnt ready. The me-matum you have given yourself is VERY reasonable. The fertility issue is very real and, In My Humble Opinion, its responsible of you to have that in the front of your mind. Men dont seem to be aware that once we hit 35 our fertility start nosediving and if/ when we do become preggo we are “high risk” as the chances of complications starts sky-rocketing. *sigh* So unfair.

Im so sorry you are delaing with this. Stay strong!

Post # 11
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry this is happening. 

I am in a different position, but i would put a me-imatum in place.  If he doesnt propose by May, move out.  Its NOT worth being this unhappy.  And i know you are deeply depressed (because i have been there).  Being told he’s “just not sure” over and over can destroy your confidence and faith in the relationship. 

Good luck!

 

Post # 12
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and how painful it must be.  I want to recommend a book that may provide some insight (I’ve read it and although it really wasn’t applicable in my situation I think it has some great advice about dealing with men).  It’s called:  “Why Men Won’t Commit” by George H. Weinberg.  Weinberg’s take on this issue is that men have a very deep need to be wanted for THEMSELVES and not just as someone to fulfill the role of a husband to the woman they love.  It sounds as though your SO loves you very much but is being influenced by his friends.  The only thing I can suggest is that since what you’re doing right now isn’t working, try a new strategy.  Good luck!

ETA:  I forgot to mention – in my case when my Fiance and I were dating and getting very serious, he first brought up the marriage topic, but then did a little “wavering thing” that all men seem to do.  I didn’t panic!  LOL.  I told him I wanted marriage but also that I loved him enough to give it up for him, and that I wanted to be with him no matter what.  It seemed to take the pressure off because he proposed a few months later, when he was ready.  I didn’t have to bring it up again.  My point is, let your man know you love him for himself and want to be with him either way, married or not, if you can really and honestly feel that way.  In other words, I let my Fiance know that I loved him MORE than I loved the idea of “marriage.” 

Post # 13
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Have you had an honest conversation with him to determine what he means by, “when he’s ready?”

Here’s something my SO and I have discussed:  We love each other.  We want to be together (forever).  We are both scared sh*tless of that next step. 

When SO and I talked about this, we realized that some people just feel ready and excited for the next steps in life, and other people…don’t.  And then we realized that we may never feel “ready” enough.  But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get married (or that we’re not excited to get married).  I compare it a lot to everyone I’ve ever known who’s had a child:  they weren’t ready for it, even if they thought they were.  Ultimately, marriage is a huge committment.  Like PP mentioned, I don’t think your SO doesn’t want to be with you…he’s just having difficulty with the generalized idea of marriage.  He doesn’t need to give up his trips and time with friends and all that…he can still have the best of everything.

Post # 15
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

@Seeitthrough:  YAY! Congratulations!!!!! It is so wonderful to hear that, and I wish you two all the happiness 🙂

Post # 16
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Congrats! Good to see he did propose finally. Have fun planning now. 🙂

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