(Closed) Mixed Signals on Marriage?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like you don’t necessarily want to rehash the conversation you had, but I think you might need to. Have you brought it up? Asked him straight whether he wants to get married, and whether he wants to marry you? Not necessarily now, but someday?

It’s hard, but it’s best to be direct sometimes. You sound like you’re a brilliant gal to me, and I’m sure your Boyfriend or Best Friend feels the same way. You should just ask him!

Post # 4
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

Personally- I would let him know he is on “borrowed time” at this point. Engagement rings do NOT cost much- I am a fan of getting something cheap and upgrading later. If he feels that he isn’t ready for marriage, you should discuss that you are at this point, you can not wait much longer for him to get ready. I mean really- what more does he need? I can understand maybe wanting a better job- but he has to be realistic, in this economy, you may not get the dream job you have been desiring- but that shouldn’t prevent you from AT LEAST getting engaged.

Post # 5
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like you both need a date. Not an engagement date- though that would be nice ๐Ÿ™‚ – but rather a date date. Get out of the house. Don’t talk about work. Go out, have a nice dinner. While you’re all relaxed I’d broach the topic. Don’t throw up an ultimatum. Just a gentle reminder. Ask him where he feels you guys are at this point. Does he feel like you’ve made any progress towards engagement? Does he already have plans? Has even thought about it? Express to him that you’re ready to take that next step, or at least move towards that step, but only if he is ready.

As to what you should expect? There’s no simple answer. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. Every relationship is different. There is no straight answer. HOWEVER. For me. Personally. I hit the 2 year mark a month back. I told my guy a long time ago that I’m not that girl that is willing to wait for 8+ years with ifs and maybes and soons, because I’ll leave to find someone who knows what they want, who can tell it to me straight. I told him that for me my limit is 3 years. By 3 years I want to be engaged or at least have solid plans for it (ex. the ring is bought, waiting for the proposal). I love him dearly. He would make a wonderful husband and father. But you know what? I know that if, God forbid, I lost him, there is another man out there who would also be a wonderful husband and father. And while he has the right to take his time to prepare himself for the leap, I have the right to move on with my life and the right to choose to move on if our plans don’t mesh.

It wasn’t an ultimatum. It was a discussion. Since then it comes up now and then every couple months in quick, short conversations.

To really answer that question: You should expect that he should be able to concretely communicate his wants and needs for the relationship. And you should be communicating yours. Maybe he hasn’t bought the ring or picked when he wants to propose. But he should certainly have an idea of when he could see you moving forward, if at all. And if he still isn’t ready, I believe, he owes you an explanation as to what is holding him back. Because it might be something simple you can work through.

Sorry this was long. But I hope a small part of it was at least helpful. Good luck! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

It sounds like your relationship is lovely and I get the feeling you and your bf can work through it. What claireos said seems the most reasonable and applicable to your situation and probably to mine as well.

 

Post # 8
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@aliasmae: I’m glad it helped. Good luck with everything. Let us know how it goes. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 9
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

What struck me the most is when you said…”I feel like I’m being asked to offer a certain level of patience and support and familiarity about his life that would be equivalent to a wife, all while still having no guarantees.” It’s tough when time and age is a factor. It makes it hard to just enjoy the relationship and do all of the things a gf loves to do for her man, without being overly cautious that we’re not giving too much or wasting our time and energy.

I’m also 28 and have been with my bf for 2 years next month. At our age it becomes more important to find someone on the same page as us who knows what he wants and will not waste our time. That was a dealbreaker for me. I didn’t want to have to hold back, wondering whether all of my dedication is worth it.

Definitely make him aware that knowing you are on the same page is important to you and one of the factors of your happiness. If he loves you he  will want to make sure you’re happy (with or wthout him)!

Good luck!

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