Post # 1
Ladies. I hope someone has a little kind advice for me.
My fiance and I finally figured out our mental roadblocks toward our wedding planning, and long story short, he would prefer if the majority of it is planned by me with whomever makes sense for me to plan it with… and I am good with this, given our situation with his job and so on. He is in charge of music and suiting and that works for him.
I chose to plan with my mom and maid of honor, which is also pretty typical, I guess. Both have been begging for wedding details and to help plan, and now we can start, right? So….. problem is that my mom can’t really stand my Maid/Matron of Honor. She usually keeps it contained, but wedding stuff kind of brings the crazy out in her. Unfortunately, she is paying (there’s a reason we have to let her pay, and yes, I know it means she gets more say but we really have no choice), so I can’t just plan it all on my own or just with my Maid/Matron of Honor.
I started a chat on FB with the three of us. I figured it just makes sense. I send a short, upbeat message with the updates, and my mom basically responds with “bridesmaids can pay for their own dresses” (who doesn’t?), “I can make the cake” (I mean maybe; she’s a great baker and we have a lot of food allergies to consider so this could actually be good), “YOU find the venue and let me know” (I mean deciding on a venue is one of the trickiest things I need help with), and then “WHY is (MOH) involved? MOHs don’t help plan; that’s THE MOTHER’S JOB.” All in the group chat where the Maid/Matron of Honor can see. I am already done. I privately told my mom to please not be rude toward my Maid/Matron of Honor because she wants to help and I also want her to help, and mom insists she was not rude.
My mom does have some control issues, and I don’t want her to be disrespectful toward my Maid/Matron of Honor. Unfortunately, if we are going to have a wedding other than an extremely simple courthouse elopement, we have to let her pay–and yes, we are very grateful for her contribution. What are some tips and tricks for ensuring my Maid/Matron of Honor and wedding don’t get steamrolled?
Post # 2
There isn’t anything. She pays, she says. I guess maybe in a perfect world she would give you the money with no expectations. But that isn’t what reality is. Have the wedding you can afford if you don’t want your mom involved at this level.
Post # 3
chaiteachick : Sorry but I agree with PP. She pays, she says.
As an aside, I don’t think you should ask your Maid/Matron of Honor to help you with the details of planning, other than what you are all wearing and the odd update. You, your mum and your Fiance should be plenty. I love my friends and am interested in their lives and their wedding plans, but I do not want to be doing research or any of the not so fun stuff for them.
Post # 4
Yeah I’d plan it with your mom. The stuff she says for you to do on your own, like the venue.. well, then maybe see if Maid/Matron of Honor wants to help.
Post # 5
Hahaha I’m reading “She pays, she says” as
“She pays, she saze” or as
“She pez, she says”
Anyways, yea, what anondotcom : said.
Post # 6
I guess I was hoping that they could at least communicate, but it looks like that might not be the case. I’m sure Maid/Matron of Honor would love to help select a venue!
Post # 7
She’s paying so she get a say. Maybe do stuff with your maid of honor separately. Like go scope out venues then bring your mom to the one you like. You may want to stick to this stradigy that way she’s just not turning everything down your Maid/Matron of Honor suggests.
Post # 8
Is there a reason your mum dislikes the MOH? Is having your mum pay for this thing really worth it? Some parents give money and let’s the bride and groom plan. Some want to give a few ideas. But it seems like your mum wants to be a bit too involved?
I would work with them separately. Don’t have a group chat. Just pick different things to do with each and don’t report to the other.
Post # 9
I get that she’s paying so she has a say, but she does not get to be rude to your Maid/Matron of Honor. I am curious to know why she doesn’t like her, but there doesn’t need to be extra tension for no reason. It would definitely bother me if planning hasn’t really started and there is already drama. Everyone can be included in planning – it’s just you and two people.
Post # 10
My mom has never liked her. There is no real reason, other than that my mother is of the “shrinking violet” ideology, and my Maid/Matron of Honor is a strong, independent woman. My mother considers this to be “rude.”
(I promise I’m not a troll making this up.)
Post # 11
I had a kind of similar situation. My mother actually adores my Maid/Matron of Honor, but wanted to be involved with a lot of the planning, and didn’t give us a lot of room. What I did was gave my mother a list of things that I needed HER help with, and my MoH a list of things I needed HER help with. My mother helped pick the venue (all inclusive-cake and flowers too) and went with me to the florist, and my MoH helped with bridesmaid dresses, and then went with me to the cake tasting and helped with the little touches.
So I guess my suggestion is to plan the big things with your mother, and use your MoH for the little touches. Your mother doesn’t need to know you’re putting together welcome bags or favors, so your MoH can help with things like that.
Post # 12
I don’t really see why you can’t solicit help from both of them in the planning. Get your moh to help (if she wants) with the stuff your mom says she doesn’t care about, like the venue. And get your mom to help (if she wants) with whatever else. In the future, try to avoid situations where both of them are together, like a FB group chat.
Post # 13
Okay well first I’d ditch the group FB/text with the two of them. Your mom doesn’t like your Maid/Matron of Honor so just don’t invite more trouble by doing that.
Also, as PPs suggested, your Maid/Matron of Honor can still help with things your mother doesn’t care about. Like looking at venues with you is a perfect example!
I love weddings and I’ve stood up in several of them, but I didn’t really want to help PLAN anyone’s wedding except my own. So I wouldn’t expect your Maid/Matron of Honor to actually be that interested in helping you plan much. Take her with you to some fun things, sure. But don’t ask her to call around to different vendors or coordinate hotel room blocks or anything like that.
Post # 14
Weddings are planned by whoever is paying for it and/or a hired wedding planner. MOH/bridesmaids are just people being honored by the bride for their love and friendship through the years. They stand with the bride to support her as she makes the next big step in life. They do not plan the actual wedding at all. So number one, get rid of the group chat, it’s only going to make them annoyed with each other more and more as time goes on. If your Maid/Matron of Honor would really like to come along for wedding related things like when you shop for your gown, just invite her in a private message.
Aside from that… I’m kinda concerned about your mom not liking someone that you are close enough with to make Maid/Matron of Honor. Are you close with your mom? I’m really close with mine and we are pretty similar. My mom loved all the girls in my bridal party. She knew a few of them since they were kids but some of them she didn’t know well. She got them involved with planning the shower (they all wanted involvement) and she enjoyed working with them. My Maid/Matron of Honor is like part of the family now.
So although your wedding as far as venue, vendors, decor, guest list, etc will be planned pretty much exclusively by you and your mom, due to the fact that she is paying. I think it’s important that your mom likes and can get along with your Maid/Matron of Honor. I would recommend hosting a BBQ or something with your fiance (NOT WEDDING RELATED) and invite your parents, your Maid/Matron of Honor and a few others. Eat together, and play games to loosen the mood and get people laughing. Again, don’t bring up the wedding or make this about the wedding at all. This is just so your mom and Maid/Matron of Honor can get an opportunity to enjoy each other’s company in a setting where no one is stepping on anyone’s toes.
Post # 15
I don’t entirely agree with PP. Sure, if your mother is paying for it, she gets the final say on most stuff. But that doesn’t give her a free pass to be rude to your Maid/Matron of Honor for no real reason. Especially when she’s telling you stuff like “pick out your venue on your own, okay but now I’m mad that Maid/Matron of Honor is helping because that’s my job”???? That just doesn’t make any sense to me. Sorry, but it sounds like your mom is being catty.
My mom loves my co-MOH (best friend), but I still wouldn’t put them in a group chat because my mom is super socially awkward and doesn’t really like talking to people if she doesn’t have to. Not the same issue as yours, but bottom line is that it might be best to just keep them separate. Find out what your mom doesn’t want to assist with, and then go plan those things with your Maid/Matron of Honor. It will just be easier that way if your mom isn’t willing to play nice.