Post # 16
As a follow up: while I do agree with those saying mom was a bit rude in how she handled it.. I also get why she’s irritated and while she probably could’ve handled it more discreetly I sort of read what she said as her irritation bubbling up in an unfortunate way.
I do have to say I would be put off too if I were hosting a wedding for my child and she gave me the impression my opinion were of equal (or even similar) weight as her best friend’s. Considering its my money getting spent that wouldn’t feel so great.
Also, part of my annoyance with a three way group chat, would be that every ‘update’ you send me includes a bill you’re going to send me. Having a third party in the chat means replying “honey that’s a bit more than I want to spend on X” is suddenly awkward for me. It also means any opinion from your BFF can (and probably does) influence how much I’m paying. That’d irritate me.
Anyway, same end advice as before, and as most PPs are saying–just keep them seperated. Its fine to bounce ideas off your moh, just do it seperately out of respect to your mom.
Post # 17
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
leesahmarie : Right? Paying doesn’t give you the right to be rude or have a say in who helps plan ffs.
But yeah, I would just address the two separately and if ever you all have to be somewhere together, for dress shopping or whatever, make it very clear to your mother that you will not tolerate her giving your friend attitude.
Post # 18
I don’t see why there’s any need at all for your mom and your maid of honor to be in communication with each other? I mean, it’s probably not a bad idea if they have each others’ contact information, but they don’t need to be chatting and messaging each other.
Post # 19
I would elope and be done with it because I don’t like these types of arrangments. You do not seem to be of that mindset, so I’d just keep the chat between you and your mom. Ask your maid of honor for advice and opinions separately.
You also might want to manage your expectations about the level of help your bridesmaids can/will give. My Maid/Matron of Honor, who was my sister, didn’t give me much help in the actual planning and dirty work of the wedding. She planned my bridal shower, and got my bridal suite ready. Both things I appreciated greatly, but she wasn’t my wedding planning co-captain by any means. No one is going to be excited for your wedding as you are, so don’t be surprised if this winds up being a moot point.
Post # 20
Yeah, I would write a list down of all the tasks you need help with and delegate them out separately. It sucks coz that means you’ll have to follow up on two people separately all the time but I don’t see a way around it.
However, your mom paying doesn’t give her the right to essentially be a dick towards your Maid/Matron of Honor. Your friend is a human with feelings too who has done nothing wrong. Call your mom out on this behaviour everytime it happens.
Post # 21
- Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada
You need to have the wedding you can afford to pay for yourself, seeing as the funds from your mom come with so many strings attached rather than being a gift.
Post # 22
Tricky situation really but as she pays for it all as the others have said there is not much you can do if anything at all.
Post # 23
chaiteachick : “Unfortunately, if we are going to have a wedding other than an extremely simple courthouse elopement, we have to let her pay” — Ok, so sounds like you need to delete the group chat and tell your moh you’ll be in touch when there’s something she can help with. Such as the venue or whatever else your mom isn’t interested in. Honestly though, your moh probably isn’t going to mind as much as you think she will.
Post # 24
Thank you, everyone.
I did end up talking to my mom and sorting a lot of things out, so that’s definitely good. I’ll probably do as most are suggesting and just keep them separate.
For what it’s worth, I was totally surprised at the level of interest my Maid/Matron of Honor even has. In one day, we came up with 2-3 potentially perfect plans for venue, and now I just have to talk to my mom about them to see her opinion. Looks like things might finally be taking shape. Thank you, everyone!