MOB decided we will be making 'changes' to the wedding

posted 6 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Bee! I hear you. My mum is the same. Hello purple sky!

It sounds like you are doing absolutely everything right and standing your ground: go you! 

The only thing I can advise is to let her have her moan and then say “thanks for your input we are doing XYZ”. Do you and your Godmother have a good relationship? Does she have your back Are the specific changes that she has in mind that could be “addressed” now rather than during the visit?

I wish I could give you a hug. Toxic mothers suck and drain the life out of you. My mum accused my brothers’ wives and Darling Husband of changing her children. For my brother’s shorter relationships you couldn’t really argue with her but Darling Husband and I had known each other 9 years when we got engaged (and was well liked until the planning started). When she was shot down she started to use my period against me: she TELLS everyone I’m PMSing every time I disagree with her.

Post # 3
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

I think I’d just keep saying “that’s already been sorted and paid for” at any suggestions she makes which you don’t want to go along with. If she asks for details just keep saying you want everything to be a surprise on the day.

If she says she wants to change something, I think all you can really do is say “actually we’ve already discussed flowers/cake/whatever, and we’re happy with what we’ve chosen, but thanks for the suggestions.”

It sounds like you’ve done a good job so far at not letting her get her own way. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s your day, your money, your decision (I mean your as in you and SO, obviously!).

Keep standing up for yourself bee!

Post # 4
Member
6303 posts
Bee Keeper

The less she knows the less she can critique. Be as vague as possible while also being clear that you and your Fiance have already made the decisions, paid your deposits, and are very much looking forward to see your ideas come to life. Perhaps she should plan her own vow renewal so that she can live out all her dreams. 

Be strong. You can’t control her behavior, only yours. She would likely still find something to complain about even if you did make the changes she wants so you may as well have the wedding you want. 

Post # 6
Member
1518 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Hey you’ve done great with saying NO so far!  Just make sure she doesn’t have access to any of your vendors so she can’t make changes behind your back, oh and in case she tries, your vendors should know what’s up and only follow directives from YOU the client and not the client’s mother.

If her behavior escalates tho you might need to enforce some painful boundaries on mom….i.e. no invite to the ceremony or something of that nature.  Is there one thing that you don’t care about that you can give her as a job to do…like a distraction?

Really bee, you sound like you know how to handle your mother.  As long as you don’t let her push your buttons, you’ll be fine albeit a little aggravated.  Whatever she suggests just smile and say “we’ll talk about that later” and move on to the next thing……but don’t talk about it later.

Post # 7
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

I can definitely understand why this is so frustrating. Major props to you for standing so firm in your decisions! 

It will be an exhausting lunch, I’m afraid. Keeping those boundaries up isn’t comfortable, but if you just continue what you’ve been doing, you’ll be fine. If your Godmother asks about your plans, tell her in a general way what you and fiancé have decided. If your mom tries to interject with a change, continue directing the conversation to your Godmother: “Yes, thank you, I do think it will be a lovely day. Fiance and I are very happy with what we’ve decided.” 

And if your mother gets overbearing… well, you know what to do. Hopefully she behaves around your Godmother, but be prepared to shut her down if need be. 

Post # 8
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

When she starts to dig into wedding talk, you could say something like, “Actually I kind of want a break from wedding stuff. Especially since Godmother is in town. Godmother, how is [person, hobby, item of interest, etc].” The key is to be cheerful, but firm.

If she digs in, say, “I told you I didn’t want to discuss this any further.” Then change the subject again.

If she starts trashing your choices, say “Well it is already decided and paid for. So you will just need to get on board. I’m not interested in hearing negative things about the wedding. If you continue bashing my choices, you won’t get to hear about them and have to be surprised like everyone else.”

If she pushes back, “I said that I am not interested. If you can’t respect that, we won’t be able to discuss this any further.”

I think the key is to be polite, straightforward and firm. Inform her that her disrespect will have consequences. I’d come up with a few subject change ideas ahead of time to be ready. For what it’s worth, I know it will be super awkward, but remember she is the one making it awkward, not you. And if she escalates it to a fight, just leave. 

Post # 9
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

gunnabamissus :  If she gets too insistent, I’d tell her that this is your wedding, and if she’s so desperate to plan one then she can plan (and pay for) her own.

Post # 10
Hostess
1446 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Honestly I would cancel your plans with both of them and just make plans with your godmother. Explain to your mother that the ‘meeting/lunch’ with both of them isn’t necessary because you won’t be making any changes.

Don’t give her the chance to corner you into changing things. it genuinely sounds like she’s going to try to force your hand using your godmother. I’d be very wary of the situation.

Alternatively when she brings up the wedding you could simply keep changing the subject – make it very clear that everything has been decided and there is no room for changes.

I would also password protect all your venues in case she decides to try and change something behind your back. 

Post # 11
Member
7442 posts
Busy Beekeeper

gunnabamissus :  I would tell her before meeting that there will be no discussion about changes to the wedding so whatever surprises she’s thinking up aren’t going to happen. She can then either show her hand or you’ll have given her fair warning when you shut her down at the meeting. I would also call your Godmother ahead of time and warn her of the situation so she’ll have your back.

 

Post # 12
Member
2412 posts
Buzzing bee

Definitely password-protect your venue and vendors, your mom sounds like the type who would go behind your back to try and change things! 

Can you make arrangements to meet with your godmother and go dress shopping/have lunch with her, separately from your mom?  Is there a need for you to go dress shopping with them? (it’s a trip to look for dresses for them, right?)  Unless you have a really strong desire to help them pick their dresses, just avoid the whole situation.

Or tell your mom “I’m looking forward to going dress shopping with the 2 of you but I want to be clear – the decisons I’ve made about the wedding are not up for discussion. Fiance and I are not changing anything. There will be no sit-down. And if you try to force discussion upon me, I will not discuss it.”  

Frankly.. I’d also recommend that you stop the information-train with her.  The less she knows about your wedding plans and the vendors and the guest list, the less she can complain and try to change things.

Post # 13
Member
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Just don’t entertain the conversation

toxic mom: omg, let’s talk about this TERRIBLE order of ceremonies/ xyz
you: no. i like my order of ceremony/ xyz. 

TM: don’t you want my opinion?
you: i’m not seeking input and it would be pretty rude of me to ask for it when i’ve already made up my mind.

 

although my mom isn’t toxic, i eventually had to use this one-

TM: tries to guilt trip you about how special your wedding day is for her
you:  if you want a very special party with the details you like, i’d be glad to help you plan one with whoever you decide to marry/  a recommitment ceremony with your husband/ your next big birthday.  i’m planning my own wedding.

 

 

Post # 15
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

You are doing great. You just have to keep it up. Most likely this is your new normal with her, because it’s not going to stop after the wedding and will ramp up If you have kids. 

– continue to keep info limited

– hold firm on repeating how decisions are not up for discussion

– talk to her less often so you don’t have to hear about it

at this point since it sounds like she is planning an ambush it might be best to get ahead of it. Before this meeting with your godmother, reach out to your mom and say something like, “hey mom you mentioned that during this outing you are wanting to discuss making changes to our wedding details. That is not going to be happening. When it comes to our wedding we have as a couple made all the decisions and they are booked and paid for. Nothing will be changed. Please do not continue to talk to us about changing out wedding details. If it does come up on our outing I will be reminding you that it isn’t up for discussion or changing.” 

Or you could show up ready to just sound like a broken record each time she tries to talk about changes to the wedding. 

– we have already made a final decision on that

– it is taken care of, don’t worry about it

– changing that is not an option. 

(If she goes off about how you made a decision without her) – yes my fiancé made that decision together, our wedding our choice. (She tries to argue her role in getting to plan?) – I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is how we are doing things for our wedding. ( repeat as necessary) 

Just keep repeating yourself and change the subject. No we already decided on that and it’s taken care of. Godmother see any good movies lately? 

You got this. 

 

gunnabamissus :  

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