(Closed) MOB did not react well (vent). :(

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

wow, I read the title as Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t react well and spent the whole time waiting for the Maid/Matron of Honor to be mentioned again hahaha.

I believe that the wedding is just as much about the family as it is about the couple. Many parents have been thinking of their child’s wedding day since before that child even had the capacity to comprehend what marriage is. If she is paying the difference and it is important to her, I honestly don’t see why it should be that hard to accept it. After all, it’s more loved ones and a bigger celebration, but it really isn’t so far off from what you had originally envisioned. Just go with it. Besides, more people means more gifts? So hopefully you’ll make up the extra cost anyway.

Post # 5
Member
3262 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

she tried but I didn’t take the bait. My mother went back and forth between disapproving of my getting married and treating me like she hated me to occasionally coming around just long enough to try to control the planning, then back to hating me when she realized she couldn’t/wouldn’t get her way. I don’t cave to (even unintentional) emotional blackmail. Also, she wasn’t offering any money to finance her ideas, so…

Post # 6
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@miss_megs:  My father offered my Fiance and I 10K to elope to vegas with just immediate family or have a small court house wedding with just family and close friends and we decided to accept. When we told my mother, she burst into tears. Instead we are having 160 people and a church wedding. These things happen, and you will find things that you love in the new plans.

Post # 8
Member
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@miss_megs:  well if you were having the wedding there regardless, the dogs would have been there anyway, right? So at least now the people to dog ratio will be 10:1 instead of 5:4 =)

Try to get over the “she is winning” thing. It will only breed resentment. Who knows, maybe her ideal wedding for you would have been something in an extravagant hall with 500 people. It’s a compromise, not a “her version or mine” type of deal. What does your Fiance think? Also, many people see weddings as a special time because it is the only time you will have the excuse to gather everyone from both sides of your family along with your friends. You might be glad in a few years that you invited those people, especially if they are older.

Post # 11
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I understand compromise, but that isn’t what this sounds like. Our entire guest list, friends and family included is 81 people. How did you get close family on both sides and end up with 80?

 

I’m sorry to hear things aren’t going like you hoped. My Fiance and I come from very religious families (different religions!) and we are both atheists. One of many arguments we refused to compromise on was NOT getting married in a house of worship. I guess it is too late now, but you should have stood your ground and been a little flexible, not reached something she’s calling a compromise but YOU aren’t happy with. πŸ™

Post # 13
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@miss_megs:  Well, that just blows…

 

We both have large families but to keep it in check, we only invited aunts and uncles we spoke to and ONLY cousins we have actually seen in the past 5 years or ones we are close to. Anyone not invited who asks or cares, we’ve explained we are having a very small wedding and they’re on the B list if someone cancels (which is a flat out lie, but they feel a little better this way.) I also explain how we’re paying completely out of pocket and though we wish everyone could be invited, we just can’t swing it. So far no one has stepped up and volunteered to pay for their seat, but everyone has understood the financial situation.

 

Does your mom know this is not what you want and that you can’t afford it? Can she chip in for all of these people?

 

Perhaps instead of cake, you can do pies, cupcakes or something else. You say cake and wedding in the same sentence, the pricetag shoots up. And perhaps make it potluck? It’s less classy but it is far more affordable!

Post # 14
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@miss_megs:  Awww, I feel for you, I really do.  DH and I (fake wedding date up there on my profile) recently had a very very small wedding.  We wanted just what you described, immediate family only with Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man.  When we told my mother, she burst into tears, and when she realized over the months that she wasn’t going to change our minds, she slowly got colder and colder and withdrew from helping with planning. She was upset that HER immediate family wasn’t considered MY immediate family (aunts, uncles, etc.)  I understand what you mean about the elephant in the room… everything I tried to include my mom in really put a damper on the experience. After the wedding, things have been fine.

 

I think though, that since you already agreed to a bigger wedding, you have to stop holding it against her that she “won”… because really, didn’t she?  I think your wedding still sounds small and lovely, and hopefully your mom doesn’t try to cross any boundaries in the future, since you let her get away with this one. Are there any ways to make the wedding feel more intimate for you and your FI?  Maybe try to build more alone time and special moments into the day so you still get the small wedding feel that you wanted.

 

 

 

ETA- what if you keep the small cake you wanted, and serve the rest of the guests sheet cake from Costco?  No one would know! πŸ™‚ Also, what if you just keep the photographer for one hour?  If you didn’t really want a huge wedding, will you miss seeing pictures of people from the reception?  Just a thought!

 

Post # 16
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@miss_megs:  I agree with your FH, I think you should tell her how you feel.  But be prepared for words to be exchanged! Do you just want to get it off your chest?

 At least your mom isn’t lying to family members and telling them they are invited to your wedding… that’s what mine was doing. 

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