(Closed) MOB extremely hurt and offended, ready to call it off! This is long…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I am sorry you are hurt. I think you and your daughter are on competely different pages. I would try to cool off and then ask her what her plans are and go fromn there. Her and her Fiance can plan this and if they need help they can ask for it.

Post # 4
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think she probably got carried away with other people’s expectations and didn’t inform you of these changes – which sucks!!  I wouldn’t be offended, necessarily, but I would be pretty annoyed.  After you both calm down, I think it’s best that you conference call with Dirty Delete and Future Sister-In-Law to go over everything that they have decided without your participation.  And then I would ask if you even need to do anything at this point since it seems like Future Sister-In-Law is doing double duty.

I think your daughter’s got bridal fever…don’t think she is bridezilla just yet.  TRUST.  You will know when you see the fangs and talons come out.  This is just her being incommunicative!  😉

Post # 5
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

The situation just sounds confusing and it sounds like there was a lack of communication about the whole thing.  I certainly hope you didn’t throw this “reputation is on the line” in her face though. 

Post # 6
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Ok, mom… deep breath.  Honestly – and you asked for honesty.  You are way too involved in this & In My Humble Opinion, you really need to back off.  From what you have written, I think you have forgotten that this is your DDs wedding & not yours. 

If it’s a matter of budget, perhaps you should let her know how much she has to work for the wedding as your gift to them – instead of telling them where/when/how they will have their reception is a better approach.  Help her with planning & being involved to the degree she wants – work WITH others who are involved in pieces of this instead of being offended that your Dirty Delete & Future Sister-In-Law did something you didn’t approve first.

Post # 7
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Sounds like you and your daughter aren’t on the same page with this at all- no wonder the two of you are upset with each other.

I can see two sides of this- 

Mom’s side: There’s a budget for 100, and 130 invites are going out? (More than 2 people on many invitation, I assume, so 150 are invited?) If I was hosting a party and someone over invited by that much, I’d be livid.

Your daughter’s side: I get the impression that despite “trying not to step on DD’s toes and still give her close to what she wants”- it sounds like you are planning everything, am I correct? So she may feel like the wedding is out of her hands (makes sense, she’s not in the state where the wedding’s being held.) I can see her surprise with the venue being changed, being told not to send out invites, etc. Future Sister-In-Law made the invites (possibly as a gift to your daughter), and now you want to trash them and cancel her wedding!!! I would be livid at you!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, or your daughter a bridezilla- I just see a  communication break down. You both want this to be a great day- you can make this work.

Have you talked about the guest list- it’s surprising that an invite number came out that you weren’t aware of. Is a cocktail party what your daughter wants? If so, that wasn’t communicated properly, or she didn’t realize what your budget could cover.

I can tell you’re very stressed about this, but I don’t think you should be horrified/ hurt/ offended- neither of you had bad intentions. I know you’re both upset, so it will be a challenge, but I think if you two talk, go over these items that have caused this breakdown, you can sort this out. Good Luck! 🙂

Post # 8
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am not sure why exactly you are ‘hurt’ but I do understand your mortification, but all is not lost if you have not mailed the invitations.

 As I understand it, you had invisioned a beach wedding in VA with a reception 35 minutes away for hors d’ouerves and a champagne toast and that there would be a separate party for those in PA after the wedding to celebrate the newly weds and that there are two distinct guest lists for VA and PA.

Clearly, you need to discuss the scope of your DD’s wedding and reception with her and also your strategy for inviting. Although she may have made and sealed 130 invitations, you are right in not wanting to give the guests false expectations of a cocktail reception which will only lead to disappointment — the last thing you want on your DD’s wedding day. Also, if the reception is for 100 people, that would usually mean that you only need something like 50-75 invitations, so there is clearly a red flag with her saying that she had 130. It will be much more cost effective to make new invitations than serve alcohol to 100 guests.

Post # 10
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@mamachick2:  I may be in the minority, but if I received an invitation that said “small cocktail party to follow” and I showed up to appetizers and champaign, I wouldn’t think anything of it. I really think “cocktail party” is keyword nowadays for “small party where no dinner is served”. I don’t think this is anything to cancel her wedding or trash her invitations for.

Now I also think you need to have a big, all-inclusive conversations (possibly involving excel spreadsheets with budgets) to clearly draw a line in the sand of “this is what we’re providing. Anything additional will have to be covered by you….” etc.

Lastly, you ARE wrong to be huty/horrified/offended by this. (Sorry, you asked). This is not life-altering. She isn’t doing anything to intentionally hurt you. You both sound like nice people with good intentions who simply have a misunderstanding. Please do not over-react to a situation that can probably be easily cleared up if you had a in-depth discussion. It will only make matters worse and leave bad feelings. Try to be a problem solver, not a problem starter….


Post # 11
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can definitely see communication breakdown, confusion and shock at narrowly averting a big mistake, but I dont’ see whree hurt or offended should come into it.  Mom, I think you’re too emotionally invested in things right now, and need to take the weekend off, go have a massage or a martini or both, and start back up Monday with a clean slate, a more organized approach, and more organization.

There will be many Whoopsies moments along the wedding planning path. Be prepared for them, and try to appreciate them for what they are: mistakes, errors, miscommunication. No need to get your feelings hurt. It’s just what happens when there’s several people and several venues involved. 

Post # 12
13015 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, you two are definitely on opposite pages.  I would sit down with her and calmly try to figure out where you can compromise.  Try to stay calm, and hopefully she will also.  Multiple receptions get pricey, and hopefully you can merge them into one!

Post # 13
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@mamachick2:  I agree with PPs..this sounds really like a major communication break down more than anything else.

If I got an invite saying “cocktail party” then I would assume you mean “no sit down dinner” and not that cocktails would be served (maybe because every wedding package called a ‘cocktail reception’ I’ve seen was appetizers and maybe champagne, so this might be just a terminology issue).  I certainly wouldn’t be offended to show up to something like that and then not be given a martini. I can see how you would be really worried about upsetting the guests, but I think that people really won’t get worked up over it.

Please do not trash the invitations. The Future Sister-In-Law worked hard on those probably as a gift to your daughter, and from the description they are quite nice.  Mailing ones you printed quickly will really only hurt and offend the woman who made them (and the other in-laws) and who wasn’t at fault for it being written that way (I’m guessing your daughter told her or OKed the language).

Post # 15
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Who’s wedding is it? Who is paying for it? Did she actually ask you to help to this extent?

Sounds like you want two different things to me. Also, sounds like you need to let her make her own mistakes.


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