(Closed) MOB is snarky…how can I make her feel more involved?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Just so you know, most places we went to offered us a HUGE military discount. My Fiance was on R&R from Iraq and they were like, "man you’re serving our country, let me knock $500 off plus a few bucks per dinner" and it added up awfully fast.

 My mom is the same way. She’s had some negative comments. "why do you need an aisle runner? why do you need a rehearsal dinner? you’re wasting your money…it’s your own money" blah blah blah. 

If you love the dress and it looks great on you, what do you think she’ll say negatively about it? My FI’s cousin is getting married, and she wanted a simple dress, but the mom thought it needed to be super elaborate. Well, a fight ensued and it was a biiiig mess. Finally the bride got it, said "here it is" and the mom simply said "it looks lovely" because it was said and done. 

Maybe tell your mom ahead of time that you’ve got it and you hope she isn’t too harsh because you love it. Let her know all of her negative comments are putting a cloud over this big happy day. Maybe she is scared of losing you and how you’re growing up and leaving. I think that’s what my ma’s issue was. I noticed that suddenly she was super excited about the wedding once we went dress shopping for HER! Maybe butter her up with a mother daughter massage? I bet you could use that after coming back to the US 

Could you let your dad know and maybe have him talk to your mom?My dad gets REAL pissed when I tell him to lay off (nicely!) and about how I don’t have the right to tell him what to do, he can say whatever the heck he wants, etc, and it’s not that i’m telling him what to do, but i’m asking him not to constantly tell me to chill out about the wedding and i’ll appreciate the wedding more if i’m calm and relaxed and take a deep breath, which is one of my big hot button topics and annoys the crappolies out of me. you do not tell me to chill out or tell me not to stress, because it stresses me out more! i always have to have my mom give him a pep talk so we don’t blow up on each other. 

Post # 4
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

My mom acted in a very similar way at first.  When she found at that I had been talking to my aunt about who would be our padrinos – people who give you the bible, rosary, unity candle, etc. – she got super mad.  She told me that my aunts (on my dad’s side) should just stay out of my life and didn’t see why they always had to butt into my life.

Well, the truth is I am very close to my aunt.  I had no idea that having this conversation with her would make my mom so jealous and angry!!!  She literally made me cry while I was on the phone with her, and she didn’t care that i was crying either!  What the heck?

Bottom line … in the next few days I told her she could not continue to act that way.  I told her she was ruining what was supposed to be a very happy time in my life.  I apologized for the fact that she felt left out (even though I don’t think I did anything wrong) and told her I would do my best to let her know what’s going on with the planning.  However, I told her she had to handle any misunderstandings in a much better way in the future.

She got over it.  She still sometimes acts a little crazy about some things…and frankly I’m tired of repeating the same info to her since she never remembers things about the wedding that I’ve already told her!  But, she is my mom and I want her to have a positive experience out of this situation as well.

My advice is that you have a frank, honest conversation with your mom and then do your best to make her feel like she is involved in the planning process.

Post # 5
484 posts
Helper bee

ah The Passive Agressive Mother! I have one…I get "well if that’s what you like, that’s fine"

UM. Sure it is lady.

I love my mom and we are in fact, very close. And I am sure you love your mom too. But there comes a time in a daughter’s life when she has to decide if the voice in her head is her own or her mothers. Sounds like you already know your inner voice is you so now its time to just accept it.

If she disagrees with your choices just smile and know you love what you’ve picked out. I guarantee on your wedding day she will only gush at how lovely you look and how her baby girl is getting married.

Good luck and stay strong!

(and while the above advice from other posters is very valuable I know there is no talking to my mom. This is how she is and I can point it out until I’m blue in the face but it won’t change her. It’s better for me to change my attitude towards her and more importantly, the way I react to her.)

Post # 6
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m positively sure that moms have no idea what they are doing to us when they say this stuff!  It’s time for you to do some serious "Mom Management" (TM) 😉

To me, mom management means creating a win-win situation for your next interactions with her.  Instead of saying "I want peonies."  I say things like, "I love ruffly flowers like peonies, rununculus, and garden roses.  Which of those do you like best, mom? Because I want to feature one in the centerpieces." Then, I talk to my florist and get my hopes dashed anyway!

For dresses it was diceier.  I said, "Mom, I’m picking between two dresses".  I showed her the pictures and she said, "Well, it’s your decision, but I don’t like either of them."  In that case, I had to be more direct.  I said, "I know it’s my decision, but I want you to be happy with it too.  Are there elements of either dress that you like? (looking to reinforce the positive and listen to her opinions)"  And then, "I suppose there are some decisions where we’re not going to agree, but your opinions still mean a lot to me, and even if it doesn’t seem like it I’m still taking them into account…"

Occasionally, I’ve had to say, "It hurts me when…", but really it hasn’t been too bad with the Jujitsu Mom Management techniques.  She’ll have no idea what happened to her!

Post # 8
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Oh, MS… I’m the opposite.  I lose on top last.  It’s horrible.  I wish it was the other way around for me.

But strong strong work on the 20 lbs!

Post # 9
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

If you really feel like your mom is feeling left out, it might be a good idea to involve her in some way. I know you said you and your Fiance are paying for everything, but maybe she can help with something you’re willing to give up control over. If you can, take another step from what Doctorgirl says. Tell her you have $X to spend on whatever (favors, napkins, etc.) and ask her to investigate some options. That might actually help you.

For me, my mom is not where I am and not where the wedding is. I’m trying to come up with something for her to do besides giving money… I think she’ll help a lot to run things the day of, so I’m trying to keep her in the loop. I’m sorry your mom is being negative, I hope you can either provide her some choices or give her something to do, or else figure out what is bugging her. 

If she says that whatever happens is a reflection of you, I’d tell her that even if things don’t go as planned, everyone will have a blast celebrating with you and you’ll be married to the man you love at the end of the day. 

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