Post # 1
I got some great advice the other day about sticking up to my mama about my venue choice, so I’m back again!
Now that we are on to the next thing in the list, we are on to Registry! Intitially I was not going to Register for our engagment party. However my mom (the MOB), has let me know that a number of our close friends and family have asked her where we are registered for our engagement party so they can get us gifts.
I was not originalyl goign to register for our engagement party, as we plan to do a Jack & Jill as well as a bridal shower. I didn’t want people to have to go crazy with gift spending for us! However my MOB is insistant I register somewhere.
Not only does she have suggestions about where, but she has decided she wants to help select the items! She wants myself (the Bride) and her to go and select these items without my fiance! Personally I think this is crazy. Shouldn’t my fiance and I be the ones to decide what items we want to register for? I also think it is somethign fun and personal that we get to do together as a couple.
Any advice on how to calm this MOB down? Or explain in a kind hearted way she needs to butt-out?
Post # 2
Don’t register for your engagement party. You create a registry just generally. People can choose to buy things from it for the shower or the wedding or both or neither. But don’t create a registry specifically for the engagement party. Just tell her that’s gift grabby. People can come up with their own things to get you jf they’re insisting upon getting you a gift. Or just have your registry on your wedding website.
As for your mom wanting to select items for it, um no. Is she going to be using the frying pan and the dish towels and the pillowcases? No? Ok then why would she care? You two are grown adults who are perfectly capable of selecting your own items for your own home. I would tell her that and not be super nice about it probably. She sounds like she’s a major over-stepper.
Post # 3
tell her she had her oppportunity to do these things when she got married and now it is your turn.
Post # 4
DogsAndWine : She definitely is. In my last thread, she wanted me to change my entire weddign venue because she does not like ‘the area’ of the city it is in. Makes no sense.
I am trying to create boundries, but it seems like she thinks that everything wedding related will be her and I doing it together, not my fiance and myself. I’m having trouble expressing to her that she doesn’t get to be involved in every decision.
Post # 5
ajillity81 : I have. Her response is “A woman only gets to plan her dream wedding once, and it is her daughters”. Totally ridiculous.
I’m trying to create boundries, but it seems whenever I try to tell her “no, this is my decision and you have to respect it” she doesn’t hear me and just keeps talking as if I havent said anything. Selective hearing.
Post # 6
You need to stop involving your mother to this extent. You are presumably an adult who is old enough and mature enough to marry, you don’t have to pick presents because your mom is telling you to. You just say “no I won’t be doing that” and you don’t revisit the topic.
I would say don’t register, engagement parties usually involve cards and token presents, not registries. I would definitely not register for an engagement party as you are have a shower and a jack and jill. I thought those were usually one or the other anyway?
Post # 7
“Sorry Mom. Fiance and I will plan our household together. I’ll let you know where I’m registered by Monday”
Or even better, “FI and I made our registry. Here.”
Stop trying to convince your mom. She does not have a say and does not need to be convinced.
Post # 8
therealmrslane : Here’s one way to do it.
Boundaries mean making yourself heard. Instead of “Mom please, I’ve already decided I don’t want to do this” you go “MOM…I SAID NO I MEAN NO! If you keep this up I’m just going to leave you out of planning completely…now BACK OFF!” in your most forceful voice and cutting eyes ever! Your body language needs to scream I HAVE HAD ENOUGH and you don’t back down! Let her hurt feelings roll off your back because 1. she’ll get over it…trust me she will. 2. You realize she doesn’t respect you as an adult and she needs to learn to.
I’m serious bee….you need to communicate in a way she will understand. You don’t just let her keep bulldozing you.
Oh if she gets all indignant about how she didn’t raise you to speak to her that way you just say….”I’m speaking this way because its the only way you will hear me and I will continue to do so until you learn to treat me like you would any other adult!”
Post # 9
sablescorpion22 : This is a really good idea! OP, you must be firm!
Another idea is to walk away when she doesn’t listen. If you say no, and she keeps talking like she didn’t hear you, walk away. If your on the phone, hang up. Repeat as necessary.
Post # 10
Smh…. if you dont enforce strict boundaries ASAP there will be 3 people in your marriage and it will be a short one. If you need to learn how to do that and grow a spine.. these ladies can help like no other –>
Post # 11
therealmrslane : Stop talking to her about it. I get that you want your mom to be involved but she’s not hearing you when you say no so the only thing to do is cut her out of the loop.
Post # 12
ImMrsSnow : You know I usually recommend for issues with IL’s but hey if your own parents fit the bill this works too! Don’t know why this never occurred to me.
Post # 13
If you care about your marriage or Fiance at all you need to start shutting this down. I’m not sure how old you are, but if your mom has been like this for 20/30/40 years she isn’t going to change unless you force it. YOU need to set boundaries. YOU need enforce the boundaries. You brought up being an only child in your last post – lots of people are only children and able to have normal healthy relationships with their parents.
Post # 14
Who registers for an engagement party?
Did your mother have her own wedding? Perhaps she needs to plan a vow renewal so she can plan HER dream event. You have to be firm and repeat yourself as often as necessary–this is YOUR wedding and you and your Fiance will be making the decisions. If she won’t respect your wishes cut the flow of information. Tell her it will all be a wonderful surprise.
When you do register make sure it’s set up so that she can’t talk the store into having the ability to edit your registry–I’ve heard of it happening before.
Next she’s going to want to choose your honeymoon…and attend…
Post # 15
The more you entertain her the more harm you’re doing to yourself. It starts with you.