(Closed) MOBzilla taking over

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House

My situation is not as extreme, but I definitely feel your pain.  As a people-pleaser, I’m trying really hard to make everyone happy, often at the expense of my happiness.  I’ve had to take a hard look at the wedding and I’ve realized that I’m doing this for our families.  If it was just for me, we would have eloped. 

One thing that we did was to make a list of our top three priorities.  My mom’s were her dress, a parent’s album, and I forget the third.  Whenever I feel like she’s making something else her priority, I remind her of her top three. 

I would also recommend having a heart to heart talk with her.  Lay out the examples you shared here.  Tell her you appreciate her generousity, but it’s been at the expense of you being able to infuse the wedding with some of your own personality.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

WOw, it’s tough that your opinions differ so drastcially.  Unfortunately if she is paying, what can you do?  You could turn don her money and pay for it yourself.  I guess you have to weigh how important it is to spend your own money to have the wedding you want, even if it needs to be on a smaller scale, or use your mom’s money to do something that isn’t you.

What if you told her that you’ll pay for it yourself.  And that would mean many people from the guest list would be cut (including some from her guest list)?  She probably wouldn’t like that. 

It would be a shame to have a wedding that wouldn’t feel like an expression of you.  But at the same time, if I was paying for my child’s wedding, I wouldn’t just let the money go towards a wedding theme I completely disagreed with.  It sounds like you are willing to let go of some things.  I don’t know if I understood your style correctly, but can you agree to skip the costumes, for a more fall/harvest theme?  While she skips the bells and cherubs (and sachets), for pumpkin type centerpieces?

 

Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with a MOBzilla! They are seriously the worst. ((HUGS))

You’ve got to try to talk to her about it. You’ll regret it if you don’t at least try to come to some sort of compromise with her. It’s really a shame that some mothers/parents feel that in paying for the wedding, it becomes "their" wedding. I’ve dealt with this before with mothers of friends (thankfully my own is behaving – for now…) and it’s just the worst because really you can’t do a darn thing about it. It IS their money and technically they can do with it as they please or even deny you the money of they don’t like what you’re doing. I hate to see that happen because I’ve been with friends who have been just devastated and so sad because their wedding was completely hijacked by their MOBzilla and they heard the refrain "I’m paying It’s my wedding" over and over.

I say try to talk to her, express how you feel and that you understand that they are paying and you truly do appreciate that and are willing to make some concessions, but mention that you’re getting upset and feeling hurt because it doesn’t feel like your wedding anymore. Maybe she’ll come to her senses and realize that what she’s doing is hurting you and your relationship with her and cut you some slack. You’ve got to give it a shot, though, or you’ll regret it later.

Post # 7
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh nevermind, I thought she was paying for the whole thing. Then heck yeah don’t involve her in another thing – use your money how you want!

Post # 9
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hmm well there is a problem if you can’t talk to her about your feelings without her either calling you overly sensitive or a Bridezilla. Has she been like this in the past or has the wedding planning brought out her inner beast? You should be able to talk to your mom about your feelings about your wedding, and if you can’t or she makes you feel bad when you’re just trying to tell her how you’re feeling then it’s not vindictive of you to not involve her – it’s healthy. If she’s just going to be mean or drive you crazy then you’ve gotta just look out for yourself and your own sanity on this one.

My mom let my grandmother run the show for her wedding and regrets it to this day. In the end, try to get what you want out of the experience. It may be rough with your mom right now, but ultimately I think it’s worth it to stick to your guns. 

Post # 11
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Noelle-a-Belle – I am sorry you are dealing with this!  I don’t have any specific advice, I just wanted to let you know that I LOVE Edward Gorey drawings!  They have such a vintage, retro look, but they also incorporate that edgy whimsey you are talking about.  If I were doing a sit-down meal, I would totally steal your idea for the table numbers!

Post # 13
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2000

I had the same issues with my mom and she’s only contributing 1/10 of the budget.  I keep putting my foot down, consistently. It’s like disagree, fight, draw the line (me), love her while she withdraws angrily, makeup, repeat.  It’s the best I can do.  She REALLY wants to be involved. I had to finally tell her to get it out of her mind that we are planning this together. Plus I usually have to apologize for my tone of voice when she is getting way out of line!  I like someone’s suggestion to give her a few priorities she can have her say on.  I’m taking another road where I’m the boss and she’s been delegated a few areas to think through and bring it back to me.

I’ve also tried to tell her that she’s raised a competent, creative daughter who is ready to spread her wings and fly and can she encourage me to be the grown up she’s raised me to be. Something like that. We still fight but I don’t give in. You may have to keep trying to figure out what works for you.  Vent to someone other than JUST your Fiance b/c it can be pretty overwhelming for them to support you through mama drama. 

Post # 14
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I haven’t read all the comments, but I would suggest invovling your dad, sibling or close aunt. From your post it sounds like your gentle nudging is not enough and someone else needs to sit down with her and talk about boundaries and allowing you to make choices for your wedding. If it came from someone else she migth hear it differently then how you’ve been attempting to get your point across. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m pretty headstrong, once I’d reached breaking point like you seem to have done I’d have told her I want no monetary input for the wedding. If that’s whats taking it’s hold on what you can and can’t have, I’d rather wait, save and have the wedding  me and my OH want, rather than something my mum wants.

That’s just me though. I’d rather pay myself and have it my way, than accept an offer of help and have to smile and accept someone elses ideas.

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