(Closed) MOG Guest list nightmare

posted 5 years ago in Reception
  • poll: What would you do?
    Not give a guest list and explain to your family why they aren't invited. : (20 votes)
    22 %
    Expect an apology : (29 votes)
    31 %
    Give an apology : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Walk away : (41 votes)
    44 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    The first think you need to do is take a deep breath and big step back and calm down. You seem anxious about this and I think all of the back and forth and calling her mother will not be seen in a postive light.

    The second thing is they don’t have the right to demand you pay for the wedding. Since they turned down the offer of a honeymoom, take that money and pay just for your siblings and grandparents to attend.

    Have a final sit down with them, you already explained yourself and clearly they don’t care. Tell them you won’t be able to split the cost of the weddings with her parents, and you can only pay for your “guest”. Your son can explian to his cousins and any other family members why they aren’t invited.

    Realise your son and fdil are adults so why either set of parents are speaking to each other or making plans is beyond me. They made their choices and even if it isn’t fair stop pushing the issues. At the end ofthe day it’s their wedding and they will have to live with the choices they make regarding inviting family members and whatnot.

    Post # 5
    Member
    592 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    You don’t have to pay for anything, period.  And it is very generous of you and your husband to offer to pay for the honeymoon.  

    I think that the bride needs to take a breather and research other options.  Basically they need to decide if it’s more important to have a fancy wedding or a less fancy wedding with more people there.

    If I were you, I would tell my son, “I can afford X, this is what I will be contributing.”  

    Sorry they are being so selfish, and frankly acting like spoiled brats!

    Post # 6
    Member
    12632 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    If you’re willing to give them money at this point, I would sit down and give them an exact amount of what you can comfortably afford.  Tell them that’s what you can contribute, and then can plan accordingly.  Also provide your “wish list” for guests, tiered on who should get invited first, and go from there.

    It sounds like a lot of drama, and money does that to people.  Step back, let everyone calm down, and then try to discuss it with calm voices and clearer heads in a few days or weeks.

    I agree with PPs and leave it to your son to explain why his family isn’t invited. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    3773 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    I would sit down again with the two of them and tell them that you have x amount (the “honeymoon” money) set aside and they can spend it how they choose. Beyond that you are unable to give them any more money for the wedding.

    The rest of the money and planning is up to them to plan and cover, since it is their wedding.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    1766 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    “He apologized and said that he just wanted his future bride to be so happy and have what ever she wanted.”

    Well, then he can pay for it.  It’s very nice of you to offer to help pay for the wedding.  It’s not required of you and they can’t demand it.  She sounds like a spoilt brat and I’m sure he’ll have a lot of fun dealing with her in the future.

    Post # 10
    Member
    45659 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    If this behavior is reflective of their level of maturity, I question their getting married at all.

    I would give them an amount that you are willing to contribute to the wedding  (if anything at all as it is totally optional and your decision) and let them make their plans. When you decide this amount of money, keep in mind that it is traditional for the groom’s parents to host the rehearsal dinner and factor that cost into your decision.If you are asked any uncomfortable questions about the guest list etc, refer the person to the couple as they made all the decisions.

    Post # 11
    Member
    7175 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    @MOG2013:  what exactly did they expect you to do towards them at the picnic???

    1. Sit down with your husband and figure out how much you’d like to contribute to the wedding and let your son/FDIL know that. 

    2.  Sit down with your son and ask him what he perceives you are doing that is creating drama

    3.  Explain to him that you desire to have a relationship with him and his bride-to-be, and tell him he needs to be an active participant in that.

    A relationship, any relationship, is a two-way street.  If your son no longer wants to be reasonable, there’s not much you can do, unfortunately. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    3042 posts
    Sugar bee

    If we’re looking at traditional etiqutte, the bride’s family pays for everything except the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon.

    BUT these are adults and really should be AT THE VERY LEAST contributing something.

    I don’t have any advice to offer, but I’m sorry they are treating you this way. I would be curious to hear their side of this…

     

    http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx

    Post # 13
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I understand you guys are paying, but they are still adults and you should allow them to act like it.  You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells. I say call your son and deal with him, by all means sit down and clear the air at another time with Fdil. This seems like a bad start to the relationship, if she going to petty and get upset over nothing at the bbq.

    Make your choices about how much money you will contribute and how, then let everything else go. While I don’t agree with parents giving money with strings attach, clearly when parents are paying for your wedding the bride and groom should comprimise. Their actions have made it very clear that they have no intention of doing that.

    I think the best thing thing to do is set the honeymoon money and anything else you guys can save and pay for grandparents, and perhaps older family members, then let your son be the adult that he is and answers are questions to his family about the guest list. If you take a step back and the chips fall where they may you can’t be blamed for anything that goes on. They are making their bed and whether it be good or bad they can lie in it.

     You can’t control their behavior. You can be firm and respectful about your own boundaries when it comes to money, and respect theirs when it comes to making choices about the wedding even if you don’t agree with it.

    Post # 14
    Member
    115 posts
    Blushing bee

    @MOG2013:  I am so sorry that your son/his fiancee are doing this to you. Honestly, it’s really unfair and extremely childish of them. It sounds like you’ve tried to do whatever you can and offered to make sacrifices above and beyond what should be expected of a parent of grown child. I think other posters are right–if it’s *so* important for your son and his fiancee to have a certain type of wedding, they can make their own sacrifices to make it happen. My fiance and I are paying for a large portion of our wedding on our own (even though we are both students) because we respect our families’ financial limitations. The proper response for your son/fiancee is “thank you so much, that is very generous of you” whenever you offer to help with *anything.* Demanding that you spend money you don’t have is poor behavior from a small child, let alone from an adult. I know it’s hard because you want your son to be happy, but I think it’s time for a little tough love on this one. Good luck!

    Post # 15
    Member
    1769 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    You aren’t expected to contribute a single dollar to their wedding – and neither is your son’s fiancee’s family. Granted, “traditionally” the bride’s family pays for just about all of it, but in this day and age – they’re adults, and any money that is given to them for the wedding should be appreciated but not expected. They need a major attitude adjustment from the sounds of it.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1212 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @ieatunicorns:  yep this. And then take a long break from the discussions and conversations with them all.

     

     

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