(Closed) MOG needs advice

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
8435 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am sorry you are going through this. Have you tried talking to your son about your feelings/concerns?

Post # 4
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hm.

I mean, what’s the relationship like outside of the wedding?

Do you normally have the same taste in food, alcohol, ideas on parties etc!?

I sort of feel like the event and surrounding events should be what they will like.  Have you considered having a chat with them?

 

Post # 5
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@macytr:  mmm so your 60 include all family members from your side? or not family but are friends/people important to you?

and who makes up the rest of the guest list? sometimes certain “rules” are applied to both families – ie all aunts/uncles and first cousins (plus spouses) so depending on family size this can make a big difference…so its not a numbers tihng per se, its more like a catergory tihng. or are most of the guests friends of bride and groom? this i think would be kind of fair enough, as its their day

it cuold be the brides family think that they are paying for everything else (or bride and groom arent) which works out as more than the liquor amount, so they think they have more say? as in photographer, venue, food, flowers, cake, decor

its tough feeling left out and disappointed. maybe talk to your son in a nonconfrontational way

you should have more say over the rehearsal dinner though

Post # 6
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m sorry this sounds tough.

As for the guest list I think that a choice that shoiuld be left to the bride and groom.

As for them demanded you host things then planning it and sending you bill. It’s wrong. Try to speak and deal mainly with your son. Tell him you would be happy to plan the rehearsal dinner but there needs to be some compromise, and you have a budget and menu in mind.

I never understand the couples who insist on having events plan for them then refuse to take a step back and stop micromanaging. At the end of the day they can’t force you to pay for an expensive rehearsla dinner if you can’t afford it or simply don’t ant to pay for it. Tell the budget and your ideas, hold firm on the budget and hopefully you guys can meet in the middle for the location and menu. Good luck

Post # 7
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It isn’t your wedding. That’s why you aren’t controlling things.

Part of the wedding process is letting go as a parent and respecting your child and his new spouse as a family unit. Here’s your chance!

Post # 8
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hmm, I think that limiting the number of invites is pretty standard if you’re not contributing to the main reception costs. If you would like more guests, you can offer to pay for them, money is usually the #1 reason people are given caps on guest numbers.

However, for the rehearsal dinner if you’re paying then you get a big say in where it is hosted and the number of guests–you can also put a limit by saying how much you can afford. It is polite to let the bride be involved in it but she should not be taking the lead.

Something is weird about them being secretive about the shower.  It is possible that perhaps you had some kind of miscommunication at some point? Perhaps the bride felt you criticized her style so she has been keeping details under wraps?  Does your son know details of things and why wasn’t he telling you?

As far as the alcohol, well, if you didn’t say what you thought was a reasonable price I’m not sure that the bride’s family can know that you think it’s overpriced–they don’t have the bill from your other child’s wedding. You need to communicate more of your concerns I think. This plus what happened with the rehearsal dinner makes me think you are perhaps apprehensive about saying your feelings and being clear on what you feel is an appropriate amount to spend.

Post # 9
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It sounds like the bride has expensive tastes but wants someone else to fund it. You get control over the rehearsal dinner, including where it is held and what is served. I probably would have not contributed to the shower after hearing the costs. Showers are always gifts and you are in no way obligated to co-host it.  

I’m not so sure about the guest list. 60 does seem like a really small amount, but I know my ridiculously large family meant that we didn’t split the guest list 50/50 between the bride and groom’s sides. But, given how demanding they’ve been, I can see how you’re put out by this.

At the end of the day, the person who is paying, even if it isn’t the entire cost of the wedding, gets a say in things. But it also seems like the ship has sailed for you in terms of backing out of paying for things. I’d guess that would cause a lot of hurt feelings for a long, long time.

Post # 10
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am jealous.  My Future Mother-In-Law has been so hands off that I’m pretty sure I will end up organizing the dress rehearsal at the last minute and her just paying the bill.  To me, its her party, I just give her the names and contact info of the people who should be invited – although this too should be discussed ahead of time, in person as there is a lot of differing opinions on who should be invited.  The formality and menu, as well as the venue should be all yours as long as it’s not too difficult to get to for the attendees.  If your son has bowed out of the process, talking to him about it will likely just cause strain.  I would call the bride or bride’s mother up, be direct but friendly and say ‘I have put a deposit down at ___ and will email you the sample menu.  Please forward your attendees contact info as soon as you can.’ and see what happens.

Post # 11
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

The guest list sounds standard to me. If my future Mother-In-Law tried to tell me she didn’t have enough people for the guest list, I would kindly remind her that it’s mine and my Fiance wedding – not hers. If there are people she wants to invite that my Fiance doesn’t want to invite then they don’t get invited. Period. Luckily, my Mother-In-Law has stayed out of the guest list issue because we are having a destination wedding. Not to mention, you aren’t paying for the bulk of the reception or any of the ceremony site.

As for the rehearsal dinner, I’m picking where our rehearsal dinner is. Not sure if that etiquette but again, it’s my wedding. My Fiance had a conversation with his parents about budget for the rehearsal dinner and they gave us a price point. We haven’t picked a place yet, but I’ll make sure the place my Fiance and I pick together (not our parents – just us) is within their budget. Personally, I would NOT be okay with my future Mother-In-Law picking a rehearsal dinner place without consulting me. I am a picky eater so I know what foods I would like to have and what foods not to have. Also, I know what kind of alcohol my Fiance, myself, and all my friends drink. I have completely different taste than my Fiance parents do so while you’re paying for it, it should still be a place they want to be and food/drink they want to have. After all, you are celebrating their wedding.

Did you sit down at any point and give them your budget for your share of the wedding? The reception site? The alcohol? Did you bring up budgeting issues at ANY point during the planning? While the bride & groom should have done this it was also your responsibility to make sure they knew how much you were willing to pay. If you didn’t speak up and tell them your limits, then that is your fault (no offense, just being honest).

Also, you can’t really go by what another siblings wedding costs were. My Fiance sister got married about two weeks ago and our weddings will be apples to oranges. It’s two different couples with two different tastes & wants for their wedding. I know, for a fact, that my wedding will be doubled the cost of my Fiance sisters wedding. They had it in a small town and the wedding was cheap & tacky, in my opinion.  Now, does my Fiance family think it was cheap and tacky? No. It was a standard wedding for their location and they think it was fantastic. So, if they saw the costs of my wedding, they’d flip. BUT, I know what their budget is on the items they want to pay for and I will keep their share within that budget.

It sounds like you waited too long to approach the bride and groom on budget. Anything you say now about the costs is going to cause huge issues in the wedding.

Post # 13
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

The biggest red flag I see is that the bride and her family dictated were the rehearsal dinner would take place and what you would serve.  As the host of the rehearsal dinner, that is YOUR decision since you are funding it.  Of course, it’s important to take into consideration what the bride and groom would like, but ultimately, it is completely dependent on your budget, etc.  I find that they dicated all of that completely inappropriate.  In regard to the wedding guest list, I think it is unfortunate that they are not allowing you to invite more people considering how large the wedding clearly is, but in the end, you are not hosting the event.  It is lovely that you are contributing to the alcohol, but the bride’s parents are hosting the event.  I think if there are one or two couples that you were not able to invite that you really would like to invite, then perhaps you could nicely ask the bride if you would be able to add them onto the list, but other than that, I think you are out of luck 🙁

While many brides here say that they should get all the say in their wedding, I disagree when others are financing it for them.  When someone else is paying for their day, it is important to also take other things into consideration.  I don’t think any parent should take over the day, but I think that showing respect and gratitude for their monetary support by allowing them some say in certain things is very important.  

When I was married, my parents paid for the entire wedding.  We did not place a restriction on my Mother-In-Law, but when she came back with 200 people, we had her cut it down and then subsequently sent out additional invitations.  She understood.  They paid for the rehearsal dinner and I told her that I would be happy with her hosting it wherever she felt most comfortable.  We had our rehearsal dinner at a Buca di Beppo, which was in stark contrast to my very formal and very expensive wedding.  While it wasn’t my ideal location, I respected her budget and was grateful that they were willing to host a rehearsal dinner for us.  They picked the menu and the drinks that were served and I graciously thanked them.  

I think you sound like a reasonable person.  You clearly don’t seem to be trying to take over their wedding plans, but it sounds to be like the bride is not appreciative of your efforts in the slightest.  How does your son play into all of this?  Does he know about your concerns?  Perhaps it would help if you discussed your concerns with the two of them together.  A wedding is two families coming together and I think its important to try and start the marriage out on the best possible foot, which means considering the feelings of other family members, whether or not their recommendations, ideas are taken.  

Post # 15
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

You sound like a nice person, but not a very assertive one. Unfortunately, it sounds like your son isn’t on your side with anything and has this expecation that whatever his bride wants, she gets. He at least should be made to understand your financial situation without you always having to be the one to give in. You may have been caught off guard with what you were asked to do, but your budget should have been made clear from the beginning. Misunderstandings and lack of communication could have prevented some, if not all, of this.

The Rehearsal Dinner is YOUR baby, so if it were me, I’d do what I wanted in terms of the planning of it. You can take their ideas into consideration, but I’d only go so far with it. You are being gracious in even hosting it for them, as many parents do nothing and don’t even worry about it.

Post # 16
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@IUrebekah3RT:  I really don’t agree with you.  C’est la vie.

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