Post # 1
So here’s my deal – my best friend of nearly 20 years is getting married the end of September and I am crazy happy for her. I am honored that she has asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor and I couldn’t be more proud.
Now that the dust has settled, I’ve realized that I can’t afford to do it. She lives in California, where he wedding is, and I live in Georgia. I’m a single parent, working full-time. Therefore, I have to spend the money to fly there (and my son) back, pay for the dress she wants me to wear, which is like $140, plus pay for her bachelorette party. She is my best friend and I don’t want there to be any fights over anything and I want her day to be as awesome as possible, but reality is not looking good for me when it comes to doing everything that a Maid/Matron of Honor is suppose to do.
I don’t know what to do…..please help!!!
Post # 3
I would be upfront with her. If she’s your friend and she sought you out to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, then you must be close and honest enough with each other where whatever you tell her will be OK and can be worked around. Honesty is the best policy and the sooner you tell her, the better.
Post # 4
TELL HER!!!! If she is truly a friend she will understand. Being a Maid/Matron of Honor cant get expensive… esp if it is out of state. You could possibly be spending around $1400…
Post # 5
So you can do the bach party and shower cheaply if you DIY as much as possible and get the other maids to help out. However, I don’t see a way around the plane tickets and dress. Although you’d have to pay the plane tickets even if you weren’t in the wedding and you’d have to pay the dress even if you were a bridesmaid. So really you’re saying that you can’t be in the wedding and maybe not even come? That’s no fun for either one of you but sometimes that’s how the cookie crumbles. If you really can’t afford it you need to tell her ASAP. Make sure she knows that you don’t hold it against her and still love her and all that, but you just can’t afford it. How long has it been since you agreed to be the MOH? If it’s been awhile I think you also owe her an apology for not budgeting this so that you could be the Maid/Matron of Honor or telling her right off that you couldn’t do it. If this is something that has happened recently, then it shouldn’t be as big a problem and hopefully one of her other bridesmaids can step in. It sucks but it’s really good that you’re being honest and I think it’s important to let her know what is going on so that she can plan accordingly.
Post # 6
I really dont think being a Maid/Matron of Honor should be about money – You have been her best mate for 20 YEARS! If my Maid/Matron of Honor came to me and told me she was broke and nervous, I’d tell her to stop being a silly billy and to think outside the box – You can do things cheaply, but thoughtfully. Does she have other BM’s – Could you perhaps have a chat with them about how to cover come this? I am sure she is not expeecting lavish gifts, crazy parties, showers if she is your Best mate and knows your financial situation?
Post # 7
I agree with other posters. The first thing to do is tell her and tell her just like you told us. How excited you are, how happy you are for her, etc. If you have been friends for this long, I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t be anything but supportive.
With regards to the bachelorette, is she having other Bridesmaids? You don’t have to pay for that yourself – each of the BM’s should be willing to pitch in. You could have a potluck and have all of the BM’s bring one of her favorite foods, you can DIY for invites and decorations, host at your house or someone elses’ – there are plenty of options that you can look into that don’t require spending a lot of money.
Like others’ have said before, the plane tickets and the dress will be the major out-of-pocket expense for you, but if you are upfront with her, I bet she finds a way to cut dress costs for you! That’s what friends are for, right? 🙂
Post # 8
My Maid/Matron of Honor, best friend of 10 years, had to tell me she couldn’t make it to my wedding. Honestly, it sucks. But, times are different now. Sometimes money just wins out on the “what’s important scale”. I think if you’re friends she’ll be totally understanding. We are thinking of setting up skype so she could be there. By The Way, it was $3000 dollars for my Maid/Matron of Honor, her husband, and son to fly from Hawaii to Florida. That didn’t include any expenses, so I had to be understanding. Stuff happens and money is tight.
Post # 9
She has 2 bridesmaids and they’re both worse of financially than I am. One is there in CA and the other is in NC (but family) so I think she (bride) is going to be helping her out so that she will be able to come. I’ll keep y’all updated! 🙂 I appreciate the input.
Post # 10
I had to back out of a very good friends wedding once because of similar reasons. I was upfront with them and they were bummed but understanding. Sometimes, life happens. I was able to attend the wedding as a guest.
Post # 11
I am from a different culture. My Maid/Matron of Honor will be my 12 years old and her dress cost 60€ (Mango). We’re paying the entire wedding ourselves. Usually, tradition here says the groom’s best man pays for the suit or the rings, i don’t know excatly..and i do not care!!!!!!!! WE are getting married. The first thing i told my family was “PLEASE do not spend more money that you absolutely have to”, meaning clothes! I am paying for cousin’s baby’s dress because she can’t afford it. I offered. I do NOT care what they’re wearing and weather or not we will be given gifts or money for the homeymoon..i just want them with US, on our special day…
Your longtime friend should understand this and if she truly wants you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor i am sure she will do anything to have you there. I would.
Post # 12
My Maid/Matron of Honor is definitely on a tight budget, and I knew that from the getgo. Luckily, we were able to plan accordingly because we knew up front, and she’s only traveling from 110 or miles away, so she’s driving. I appreciated knowing her situation, and I made sure my maids could choose their own dress styles so they could fit their budget. That’s one options to cut costs (one of my maids even got her dress on clearance for <$50).
To cut travel costs, you could consider making a road trip out of it if your son is capable. Gas would still be pricey, but not as pricey as flying. I find that airlines like Southwest that don’t advertise on travel sites like Travelocity tend to be cheapest. You can’t pick your seat, but you save a lot of money. This may be out of left field, but is it possible for your son to stay with a friend for the weekend instead of flying with you? When my parents traveled when I was a kid, this is sometimes what they did, and I thought it was fun to have a weekend-long slumber party.
Also, flight prices tend to be lowest at about 90 days before the flight, so don’t buy tickets till then. Scan Groupon for hotel deals, and consider that your friend may offer to pay for your hotel as your Maid/Matron of Honor gift (it’s what I’m doing for a few people involved in my wedding).
My bachelorette party will be something simple and nearby, with everyone pitching in, and I’m not even having a shower. And even a simple, handmaid gift can have great sentimental value! For me, cutting costs is worth it to make sure my friends can be there with me at my wedding.
Post # 13
Parties are a gift to the bride, not a requirement of being a bridesmaid or Maid/Matron of Honor. If you cannot afford to throw anything then that’s just what happens.
Tell the bride that if you do throw her a bachelorette, you can afford to do X, Y, or Z only. Maybe she could travel to you and you can host everyone locally?
Have the other bridesmaids expressed interest in a bachelorette party? If anyone has, go to her individually and let her know your budgetary concerns, and what the bride expressed interest in regarding your list of things you can afford to do. Maybe she can help with some upgrades.
Post # 14
If you are going to attend the wedding anyway, just tell her what you can afford on top of the trip (i.e., do you have any budget for a dress?) and give her an out if she wants to make someone else her Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 15
be honest. you two sound like you have an amazing friendship and you sound genuinely happy for her. and maybe she is already thinking about this and realizes the financial hardship.
Post # 15
CBuehler82: my friend since preschool agreed to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. We live on different sides of the country. She paid to get there but I made sure she had a place to stay and bought her dress. Tell your friend. If she can she’ll do her best to accommodate you or she will just understand you cannot be there.