(Closed) MOH asked me not to invite her parents…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I assume the reason she didn’t want her mom invited is because she is embarrassed by her mom, and not just concerned about her wellbeing?  Then the reason she’s not telling them the truth is because she doesn’t want them to know she doesn’t want them there.

I think it’s an unfair position she put you in.  If you feel close to them, you should be able to invite them – and if she requests they not be invited she should be willing to own up to being the person behind that decision so you’re not cast as the bad guy.  I understand you probably don’t want to rat out your friend to her parents, but it sounds like you really would have liked to invite them.

I don’t know, if it were me I’d probably tell her, “Look, I’m really not comfortable with this – your parents are like parents to me, and I’d really like to invite them to my wedding.  They deserve to be there and I want them there.  If you’re embarrassed about them being there, I think you need to talk to them about it.  I don’t like being in this position.”

How long ago did your invites go out?  You could send them an invite now and…I don’t know, try to pass it off as an error that they didn’t get an invite sooner?  Being totally honest about what’s going on would out your friend, so maybe in this instance a little white lie would be best.

Post # 4
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would call them directly and explain to them what happened if you are really as close to them as you say you are, they should understand. Sounds like your Maid/Matron of Honor hasn’t come to grips with her moms illness either. You shouldn’t exclude people from social situations because they have a mental illness. They might not come anyway because of the illness, but I bet they would have loved to be invited. 

Post # 5
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

By The Way, the reason I didn’t/ wouldn’t suggest just telling her parents what happened, is that if your MOH’s reason for this is, in fact, that she is embarrassed by her mom’s mental illness and outbursts, telling her parents this could really hurt their feelings.  I don’t think you should be put in the position of telling the mom that her daughter is embarrassed by her.

On the other hand, maybe you could play it off as you misunderstood your Maid/Matron of Honor to be telling you that her parents wouldn’t want to travel and were sure not to come, and you thought your Maid/Matron of Honor was telling you not to invite them for that reason.  (Maybe that really was your MOH’s reason, if not that she was embarrassed?)  So that may be not quite the truth (unless that really is the reason your Maid/Matron of Honor gave you) – but I do think that sometimes a white lie is appropriate to spare someone’s feelings.

Post # 8
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

@awkwardbee:  I think that is a very crappy situation she put you in.  It was fine of her to put you on notice of what her mom is struggling with, but not right of her to put you in the position of being the bad guy.  She told you about her mother’s illness, you wanted to invite her anyway, and then she made what I perceive as a really immature comment (because it was phrased in a very passive aggressive way meant to suggest that if you invited her mom you’d be resonsible for creating or contributing to a bad situation).  If she had concerns she should have talked to her dad or something.  Who knows, maybe if they had received the invite they would have declined anyway knowing that being away from home might upset her mom, as you mentioned in your first post.

I would call them and tell them there has been a terrible mistake, you heard from your Maid/Matron of Honor that they were asking why they had not received an invite, and of course they are invited and you would love to know if they can attend.

Our of curiosity, is this the same Maid/Matron of Honor as in your other post?  Do you have two?

Post # 9
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

What the mental illness is may be important (or not). For example, I have a friend whose mother was recently diagnosed w/ Alzheimer’s and if you don’t know it, you can tell she acts odd and has some odd habits. Now, I know it and I still am a little concerned sometimes. An example of her behavior is when she doesn’t get her way, she throws a fit like a five year old even if she doesn’t understand. Another example is that I have a relative with a different mental health issue and despite being an adult, they occasionally have fits and sort of little outbursts. As soon as it happens, they get terribly embaressed. As for the friend’s mom – she never gets embaressed or realizes she is doing anything out of the ordinary. It’s also horribly embaressing for my friend, especially when they run into people who have met the mom and don’t know what’s wrong (but know something is different).

Can you either ask your friend or try to figure out if your friend doesn’t want the parents there b/c she is embarassed for herself or for them. She may not want to say, but I wouldn’t just invite the parents until you know what’s the story. If it was something like my friend whose mom has Alzheimer’s, even though the mom doesn’t know anything is different, it is upsetting and stressful for him and for his father. Try telling her why it’s important for her parents to be there, and hear her out.

Post # 11
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ah, okay that gives me a better idea. My partner’s brother is bipolar (rapidly cycling) with panic attacks. He is so aware now and is able to control things much better but it took time. I do know that the whole family wrestled wtih similar scenarios. I say sit down with your Maid/Matron of Honor and find out more details. Is there any chance you could just have them come for the reception? Is there anyone who is best at talking sense into her? (I have panic attacks – and whil i recognize is not a major mental health issue…, some people are better w/ me than others. In my gettinh ready area for the wedding I’m splitting away from my partner. So I won’t have him. In these situations my mom makes it worse, so I have two awesome people who will be there for me. (worth noting that one is a paranoid schizophrenic who is well controlled adn the other has PTSD and extreme depression? But, it’s taken time and they can handle many situations well – and those 2 ? They haev at least 2 peope they can call when they start to freak. I spent 30 min talking to one while they hid in a stair well and I was tryin to sleep. But it worked and things were great). I sy if it’s a bad idea for fam to come, what about a small party that includes or even focuses on MOH’s mother?

Post # 12
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I have to jump in here as the daughter of a bipolar person.  I’m not ever embarassed of my dad, but it is incredibly exhausting to be the caregiver when he is having problems ie not taking meds.  I feel like your friend is maybe scared she won’t be able to participate or fully enjoy the day if she is spending lots of her time trying to make sure her mother is ok, especially in an unfamiliar environment.  I’m honestly super nervous about my wedding, but my father has sworn to me he will be taking his medications and my mom is inviting several people people who know him well enough that they know what to do if he starts to have issues.  Maybe if there is someone else there the whole time with the mother who understands what to do?  And she probably needs to know from you that if her mother does have an issue that you won’t be upset–it’s super awkward when it’s your family member causing the “scene”

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