(Closed) MOH backed out 3 weeks before wedding:(

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Call her husband and get the dress back.  Ask another friend or cousin to stand up and forget about her.  That is not how a friend acts.

Post # 4
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@loopdiloo: I dont think this is your fault… she maybe upset that you didnt go with her husband to begin with and everything stemmed from that… but it doesnt give her the right to treat you likethat… but you dont need a Maid/Matron of Honor to get married and you definitely dont need to bring toxicity into your new life with your husband on such a spectacular day.  I know its hard to just move on but I would say do the best you can to put it past you.. Youve dont all you could…

Post # 5
Member
46596 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

No, of course you don’t deserve this.

I think perhaps she is having money troubles (not bank troubles) and is embarssed about what happened in Vegas.

I don’t think her behavior has anything to do with you or your bridesmaids.

Carry on and enjoy your wedding- don’t let this dim your lights.

Post # 6
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

*Big hugs* I can certainly sympathize. While I haven’t experienced what you’ve gone through, in the past 5 years I’ve lost friendships with two people I thought would be my BMs. I, of course, won’t go into the detail, but I too, racked my brain to figure out. “Is it me?” or “Is it them?”

At the end of the day you need to decide if you want to make amends. While it’s so disappointing and you certainly have enough to worry about just three weeks from your wedding, is there anything you can do to change her mind.

Sure your family and other BMs want to take your side and may want to bad mouth her from what’s been happening. But setting that aside for a moment, what do you want? Do you want her friendship still? If so, is it possible for you to get into contact with her and talk things out. Get everything out on the table and see where the misunderstanding/miscommunications took place?

Best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like there may have been misunderstandings, but she really didn’t make an effort to communicate about them. Weddings bring out the best and the worst in people. 🙁

Maybe she had some fair points about Vegas (hard to say), but she was also upset about you not using her husband as a realtor?? It sounds like she has massive money troubles and is taking it out on you and others. It is not your issue – it is hers.

It sounds like she is in survival mode and is doing whatever it takes for her to get her feet under her again.  Maybe one day she will realize what a big mistake she made in lashing out at you like this.

Good luck!!!

Post # 8
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

i agree, go and get that dress and then move on.  withe 3 weeks to go to the wedding you dont even have time to waste on her. to be very honest i think she is just using her supposed anger as a cover for being embarrassed for not having enough money when the whole vegas trip was planned ahead of time. she is the one who should apologize to you for ruining the mood of the bach trip with the money issues and stayin on the phone with her hubby and while i dont think it was right of them i can understand why the other girls would be a lil put off by her.

Post # 9
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

I am really sorry that this girl has been so aweful. She is clearly irresponsible and being pretty selfish, especially by demanding that you should have used her husband when you shortsaled your house. You by no means are required to use a friend for anything like that. Also, it sounds to me like no matter had you offered her money the second she said she couldn’t get any from the ATM, she would still believe that it wasn’t good enough.

For right now there is nothing you can do about it. If she doesn’t want to participate you can’t force her to and you just have to accept that a real friend would not act like this girl is acting. Either appoint another Maid/Matron of Honor or just go without one.

Post # 11
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

She may just be broke and unable to attend the wedding, and using this as an excuse.

Re: the Maid/Matron of Honor dress, maybe you don’t need a MOH?  Lots of people just go with all bridesmaids, when they have trouble choosing! 🙂

Post # 12
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Was it her idea for the Vegas party?  If not, did she feel like she had to go/plan it? She probably is having major money issues and thought maybe a month out that she would’ve had extra money to go but life happens ya know?  I don’t think the girls should’ve treated her that way. 

However, I don’t agree with her dropping out of your wedding either.  It would’ve been nice for her to tell you after the party that she was embarrassed and that she would not be participating in other Maid/Matron of Honor activities but still wanted to be part of the wedding.  She should’ve just explained everything to you and then you both could work something out.

Do you need the dress back? Are you planning on having someone else wear it? If not, then let that sit on the back burner and tell her that she has x amount of days to return the money that you put towards the dress for her.

If her friendship means something to you, let this issue rest for a little bit.  Tell her that you will give her space, go on with your wedding and send her an email later.  It just sounds like she has some other major issues going on in her life.  Tell her that you will be a friend and want to continue to be friends and when shes ready you will be waiting for her again.

If you don’t want the friendship then tell her that you will cherish the past but will have to go on with your life.  

Post # 13
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I do agree she is taking her frustration out on the wrong person (ie, you) and  she will probably regret it…but I also feel a little sorry for her. Money troubles are extremely stressful and your other two bridesmaids sound like they were horribly unsympathetic and actually, downright bitchy. It was really nice of you to offer up money to the Maid/Matron of Honor and offer to accompany her to Western Union, but maybe you should have also told your other maids to back off? Sounds like they were behaving like Mean Girls.

I could see how with both money troubles and anger at the maids, she didn’t want to participate in the shower. What sucked is that her decision mainly punished you, who didn’t do anything wrong.

Where she has really gone off the rails is sending you nasty emails and complaining about how not using her husband as a realtor was a betrayal. She is obviously not thinking clearly. Can you try and email her back and ask her to meet with you to talk before she makes this decision? If not, I guess you will have to move on without her. If your friendship ends over this, then she really isn’t a friend you’d want anyways.

Post # 14
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Ick, what an awful situation. It sounds like she has a lot going on in her life and will most likely regret her recent behavior with the nasty emails. Sucks. It sounds as though you’d be open to a reconciliation though?

That said, it doesn’t sound like your other bridesmaids made Vegas a fun time either. Even if they were pissed off at your Maid/Matron of Honor, they ended up making YOU uncomfortable during your weekend trip! I bet in the “hindsight’s 20/20” thinking you are wishing that you had said something to them like “come on girls, let’s make this work. We all want to have fun!”

I’m naturally passive and would always be the one caught in the middle of any conflict between friends/family—it’s an awful position to be in. Some significant recent events (wouldn’t ya know…happened in the few weeks before my wedding too) taught me that it is so much better to speak up and in the moment! It will feel so uncomfortable at first but it really nips messes like this in the bud.

For next time you feel caught in the middle, try and speak up. It’s made my life so much easier. If this post sounds like I’m blaming you, trust me I am not. Just a little advice because stuff like this (to varying degrees of severity) used to happen to me on the regular.

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree you most likely did nothing wrong and she is taking out her own issues on you. Unfortuantely weddings do sometimes bring out the worst in people. She’s probably also jealous of you and lashing out, which was shown through the poor planning of the bachelorette, wrong address on the invitations then out of nowhere being mad about you not using her husband. All this 3 weeks before your wedding screams that she’s jealous.

Post # 16
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh and I’d also contact her husband to get the dress back. She’s being really immature by not responding and probalby trying to get more attention.

The topic ‘MOH backed out 3 weeks before wedding:(’ is closed to new replies.

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