- 4 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
So my Maid/Matron of Honor bailed on me this week, and I am having all kinds of feelings about it.
A little more Anger…
and a smidge of acceptance.
I’ve known my Maid/Matron of Honor for years. We were friends in highschool, lost touch for a bit after that (She moved out of state) but then a few years later we reconnected after she came back to Califorina. There were a few years where it was just the two of us all the time. We were best friends completely, and although we would have the occasional “tiff” for the most part we were solid.
Then I met my fiance and he’s wonderful, and everything I have ever hoped for. We are a match right away and almost from the very begining it was clear this was it.
I truly did my best to make sure I didn’t just dissapear when he and I got together. We still hung out just us a TON and I always invited her to every get together. Although I tried very hard to show her how much I valued her friendship and that just because I had found my future hubby it didn’t mean our friendship meant any less to me, she still would get upset about feeling like the “3rd wheel”. (Which I never understood. Everytime I asked her to hang with me and my Fiance there were other people there and they were always warm and welcoming to her.) Shortly after getting serious with my Fiance she made the decision to move to another state. I supported her and we did our best to stay in touch via phone and FB etc.
Her feelings were always very important to me and they still are. But since I got engaged, and asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, she has shown little to ANY interest in the wedding at all. Her response was lack luster when I asked her to stand up for me. We discussed that it might be difficult for her to handle Maid/Matron of Honor duties a state away but I told her I would help in any way I could, and she indicated that she would be able to handle it and she would do whatever I needed.
Months into our engagment I started to notice a lack of momentum on her part. I ask what her ideas for the bachlorette party were, if she thought she could handle doing a shower etc. I told her repeatedly not to worry about the shower if thats too much, I knew my mom was hoping to throw it for me so I let her know that if she wanted to be involved to just get in touch with her.
Another few months go by. We are getting going on the wedding, picking the venue, the dress, etc. My Fiance and I move, I get a new job. A lot is happening. MOH’s and my phone calls were infrequent but at least enough to communicate and update each other on our lives etc.
Then 3 months from the wedding, our calls pretty much stop all together. I try numerous times to call her and almost everytime she doesn’t pick up, or respond. I have to call her repeatedly to get her to respond. I start to get nervous.
My shower date is getting closer and she has still not RSVP’d so I give her a call to see what is going on. She picks up and explains that shes been so busy and our schedules are so backwards she never has a good time to call me back, take my call or answer my texts. I’m irked but I understand. We all get busy, and I know she has a lot of stuff happening in her life right now so I let it go and try to be sympathetic. I have been making a strong effort not to be the bride that ONLY talkes about her wedding. I’ve recruited pretty much all my other bridesmaids to handle the responsibilities of Maid/Matron of Honor because I knew it would be hard for her to do it so far away. I genuinely was thinking of her. My shower, Bachlorette party, dress shopping, bridesmaid dress decisions were made with the help of all my other bridesmaids. She had no involvement in it. She says she will rsvp to my shower asap.
A week goes by, still no rsvp. I call again. She tells me she no longer can come to my shower because she can’t get work off. I’m dissapointed, hurt even. But I hold it back and try to understand. Work is work. I don’t expect the world to stop for my upcoming nuptials. Then she says” oh also, I’m bringing my new friend so and so (who i have never met) as my plus one. She can’t get work off until friday so I will have to miss the rehersal dinner and rehersal. We will drive in together the night before the wedding.”
WHAT?!! My head almost exploded. I explain to her that I NEED her there for the rehersal. I haven’t asked her for ANYTHING ELSE. I feel like Im allowed to insist on my Maid/Matron of Honor to show up at my rehersal. If I had seen a genuine effort made on her part to try, or stay in touch or even god forbid call to check in with how she can help with the wedding or even just how I was feeling, and couldn’t come out for my rehersal for a very good reason-heck I’d even take a somewhat QUESTIONABLE reason, I would have understood.
I call her again a few days later and have a very honest talk with her. I ask her if we are okay, and state that I can never get ahold of her anymore and flat out ask her if she WANTS to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. I tell her, I wont be angry or hold it against her, i just need to know NOW so I can figure something else out. I explain that I want and deserve a Maid/Matron of Honor who is fully present and happy to be there. She agrees that she hasn’t been as involved as she wanted to be. She says that I have changed so much and so has our friendship. She explains that she feels like her life is nowhere near where mine is right now because I am getting married and the reason she wanted to bring her friend was that she wasn’t going to know anyone at my wedding and would feel left out (not true, she knows my family, my Fiance, a few other the birdesmaids and guests attending the wedding). She’s on her own for the first time completely and thought she would be able to handle Maid/Matron of Honor duties but hasn’t been able to. She wanted to tell me but didn’t want to stress me out. I tell her I wish I had known she was feeling this way. I say again, I wont be mad but I just need to know if she can do it. She asks me what I want. I tell her I want a Maid/Matron of Honor who will be able to come for my bachlorette party, who will be invested and happy for me on my wedding day. I tell her I want her to be as involved as she feels she can be and that’s all. She says it sounds to her like I’ve already made my decision. I say no, I haven’t. I just need to know if she can do this or not. She is quiet for a while and I ask her if she wants to think it over a while and call me back. She says yes and to please give me an hour to think and that she will call me back. I tell her I love her and either way it will work out.
An hour goes by, no call. 2 hours no call. That night no call. The next morning no call. I leave her alone, maybe she needed more time.
I get a call from her the next day at a time that I suspect she knew for sure I would be at work and unable to pick up, and she leaves a message.
She starts by saying the reason she is sorry for not calling back that day. She didn’t want to bug me at work.
Then she says that I am right and she just is too busy to do what I need her to do. So she is stepping down from Maid/Matron of Honor, but that she will definitely be at the bachlorette party and be there for the rehersal dinner. Says she loves me and will talk to me later.
All in all I realize this could have gone a lot worse. But now I am down a Maid/Matron of Honor. I’m considering some of my other wonderful bridesmaid’s in my party to stand up for me but I feel nervous about asking them. What if they feel awkward with me asking? What if they don’t want to be my Maid/Matron of Honor also? The two I was considering for replacements have been my friends since childhood, but we aren’t as close as we used to be. I hate that I might be asking them to do something they feel uncomfortable doing. Im so nervous to ask one of them. I don’t know what to do.
Wow. This is a long one. Sorry for the vent! I guess I just needed to get this out.
Thanks for listening Bees.