MOH being abused and having an affair with a married man

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 32
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee

anon2003 :  I agree with you, it’s super tough to watch. I have no further advice. Just keep reaching out to her and reminding her she’s loved, even if she doesn’t respond.

Post # 33
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t do anything right now if she’s not even talking to you. But at the same time, you do what you gotta do as far as wedding planning. if she comes around or calls you up, offer to meet up and discuss your friendship sans judgment about her choices. But if she doesn’t, I don’t see the point in it right now. She’s an adult, and while you worry about her, she’s free to make the choices she’s making. 

If the time comes where you need an Maid/Matron of Honor to step up and do whatever it is you need and she hasn’t come around to talk at all, then appoint someone else to the role and save yourself the heartache.

You shouldn’t have to martyr yourself for your friend. I’m sure some will disagree, but I don’t think you’ve necessarily dine anything wrong.

Post # 34
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I had a wonderful teacher who told me this years ago and it really helped me. She said that sometimes people slam a door on a relationship rather than let the drift happen. And that ends something that doesn’t necessarily need to completely end. She shared a story of a friend who drifted away and was nonresponsive for a loooong time. My teacher didn’t do anything to end the friendship. She just reached out on occasion, when she was thinking of her. She invited her to things that she thought might interest her. It was always pressure free. “I’m thinking of you, hope you’re well. Thought this might interest you. Let me know if you’d like to join us!” Random contacts, often several months apart.

A couple/few years later, that woman came back around and said that she’d been going through a really difficult crisis in her life and a lot of her friends had taken her nonresponsiveness as severing their connection (as many people reasonably would) but that those invites from my teacher helped her feel as though she hadn’t been forgotten in a time when she was just so deep in the shit in her life that she could not reach out to anyone.

I don’t think this is the tactic to take with everyone, but I do think it’s something you can do with your friend if she’s close enough for you to invite her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. I would demote her from Maid/Matron of Honor to Bridesmaid or Best Man and plan for her to maybe be there, maybe not. Let her know, with love and no judgment, that you love her and miss her and that things are moving forward with wedding planning and since things are a bit hard for her right now, someone else will handle the Maid/Matron of Honor duties but that you would still love to have her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Then, be loose about whether or not she will even attend. Or maybe just figure she won’t be there and if she shows up it can be a lovely surprise. Let her know about events that are going on and have no attachment about whether or not she will attend. If she doesn’t show up as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, then I’d just casually let her know that she’s welcome to attend alone as a guest.

I know that this time is something that you want to focus on your wedding and the commitment you are making to your future spouse, but crisis doesn’t pause because a party is happening and marriage also has an element of stepping into another level of connection, relationship and commitment to your community. You mentioned that you’ve had a friend in a similar situation before and you gave too much to that situation, this is a chance for you to love and support someone without forgetting to care for yourself and honor your boundaries in the process.

Then, you might need to love her from a distance for a while. Don’t close the door, don’t do anything. Let her know if she needs you, she knows where to find you. I don’t think you need to change your boundary about listening to her trying to convince herself that the shit this guy tells her is true. One day she’s going to have to wake up to the fact that this man raped her and then she’s going to be crushed to have to deal with all of this extra time she’s spent with him to avoid dealing with that terrible truth and the fallout. She’s going to have a lot of healing that needs to come out of this but she’s the one who has to decide to do it.

I have an aunt who was killed by a lover, so, I’m not wishing anything on your friend but the greatest threat to women, frankly, is men. And this man has already shown that he’s a rapist. If something tragic were to happen to your friend, would you still wish she weren’t in your wedding pictures or that you’d released the friendship?

Best wishes to you. It’s hard for someone to go through this and it’s hard to watch a friend suffering and still in the midst of her spiral with an abuser. I wish you all the best and much protection and healing for her.

Post # 35
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

Honey, your friend was raped. She went through a sexual trauma. Please don’t turn your back on her right now, she needs you.

Sometimes women stay with men who rape them as a form of denial, because in their mind, if they’re in a relationship or “in love,” it couldn’t have been rape. It’s an attempt to retroactively make what happened to them okay. That might be what’s happening here. These issues are really complicated, please try not to judge your friend.

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