Post # 1
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
Hi everyone. I’m new here and I wanted to post because I am feeling disappointed and upset tonight.
Just an hour ago, I checked my Email and had an email from my Maid/Matron of Honor canceling my Bridal shower that was supposed to take place May 30th. She was the host and the whole thing was her idea. Her reasoning was she feels like “it has turned into a family gathering.” I guess she’s referring to the fact that my mom and grandma and my FI’s mom and aunt are coming. She didn’t offer an alternate – in the email she basically just informed me that she doesn’t want to do it anymore and asked me to “please not hate her.”
I am so, so hurt 🙁 She offered to throw this shower a few months ago and set a date, time, location, etc. My close family and friends had set the day aside, but I also just found out that she never even sent invites, so I feel like she has been planning to not follow through for awhile now. I’m embarrassed and I’m also just confused as to how I should handle this or what I should say to her. She has really let me down over the last year because she cancelled two different vacations we had planned just days before each (I didn’t lose any money or anything but still). I let both of those things go because ultimately it wasn’t a huge deal, but this just feels like too much for me. I also feel like I can’t even depend on her to show up for the wedding now 🙁
Do you think I’m overreacting? How would you feel? What should I say to her?
Post # 2
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
A bridal shower IS supposed to be a family gathering. I see this as a huge let down on her part, if she did not want the responsiblity, she should have stepped aside from the beginning and let someone else plan the shower. If my Maid/Matron of Honor did this to me, I don’t know if I could have her in my wedding, because it seems like she is not reliable or interested in being a part of it.
You are not overreacting, you should be angry and have the right to be upset. I would confront her and ask her if she wants to continue to be in the wedding or if you don’t think you can let her, tell her.
Post # 3
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Katie1992: Since she has cancelled three money sucking events have you considered that she is having financial troubles and is too embarrassed to tell you?
Post # 4
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
If this were my best friend/MOH, I would talk to her. I’d ask her what was going on & what was bothering her. Like @j_jaye said, I’d ask if she is having money problems or if there was some other issue.
If she won’t talk to you about it, that’s a big problem. If she will, you guys can probably figure something out. But until you talk, it’s going to bother you. (And, if I were you, I’d worry she’d back out of the wedding last minute, too.)
Post # 5
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
I think you should tell her how you feel. You have every right to be angry. I think the “it has turned into a family gathering” is an excuse because she dropped the ball and didn’t follow through. Why? Who knows. I think to send you an email is very cowardly. At the very least she should have called you. I’m sorry that this has happened you deserve better. Perhaps just flat out ask her if she truly wants to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s completely your right to ask someone else instead considering.
Look since this has been organized and people have set aside the day… why don’t you call a your mom, BM’s and/or a couple of close friends? Explain the situation and ask them to help you organize the shower. I know that’s not the traditional way but so what? I don’t think you should let your Maid/Matron of Honor take away something that you’ve been looking forward to. Can you find another location? Maybe a family or friend can have it at their place? Instead of sending invites you could call or email people. I’m sure if you put your heads together that you all can come up with a solution. You have nothing to be embarrassed about your Maid/Matron of Honor let you down – not vice versa. Your true friends will understand and be happy to help you with this. I’m sure they will be angry when they find out what she’s done. It sucks but sometimes people let us down – when they do IMO the best thing is to take matters into your own hands and make it happen. I think you’ll feel better taking action rather than feeling like your Maid/Matron of Honor has runied this for you.
Post # 6
Member
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
No indeed not overreacting. What a stupid thing to say, “turning into a family gathering ” And bleating “don’t hate me ‘ doesn’t help either ! I wonder what her real reason is. Here in Australia, people who pull out of plans/dates/dinners etc , especially if they do so at the last minute are called ‘pikers’ and that is what your Maid/Matron of Honor sounds like, a thorough piker. As such, nice person or not, she is not to be trusted with plans. I’d do as smarie above suggests, and also, ask another bm to do the shower (and be Maid/Matron of Honor if you can ) .
Be best if you could un-MOH her, she may well pike out of your wedding too ! Like the night before.
Post # 7
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
smarie314: Thanks, smarie. I totally would have been fine not even having a shower, I guess it’s just the fact that she cancelled and let me down…
j_jaye: I don’t think that’s the case – She is an Accountant and lives rent free at her parents house. She goes out multiple times a week, buys new gadgets and clothes constantly, etc. Three of my other BMs also texted her over the last month to let her know they want to contribute to the shower (to which she apparently never responded). So I really don’t think money is the case. And if it is, I would have been totally fine without a shower. It’s more of the fact that she offered and then cancelled.
Post # 8
Member
1788 posts
Buzzing bee
She never sent invites?! RED FLAG!! between that and complaining about too many family members going (HELLO! it’s a shower not the bachelorette party!)- and considering she flaked on you for 2 other big events- I’d friend dump her! Why is she sabotaging you, does she like to see you disappointed? And what a coward to not even tell you in persin or a phone call, that says she has no remorse. This girl doesn’t have your best interest at heart and this is your wedding, this is all about you! Get that toxic “friend” out of your life. I vote DUMP!
Post # 9
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
Living with her parents, spending tons of money on going out and expensive toys…to me that doesn’t say she is doing well, it says she might be in serious debt! Still not an excuse for cancelling on you via email, though. I’m sorry and I agree with PPs that you should reach out to friends/family if you really want a shower.
Post # 10
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
Thanks for all of the advice, guys! You are all so wondeful and have made me feel better. To clear up some confusion, what I meant is she never moved out of her parents house because it’s convenient to where she is working. The locations are close by. She definitely doesn’t have to live there but I know it works in her favor because she has never spent a dime on living arrangements. I’m pretty sure she’s well off by the types of things she has and does, her income and the fact that her expenses are nonexistent. If she were to be in debt, I don’t see her buying a new computer, investing in stocks, trying to plan a trip to Europe (we’re in the U.S.), etc. I guess anything is possible though.
Post # 11
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
I’m sorry she cancelled Bee. I think a heart to heart is in order. Just tell her how you feel and she what she has to say.in the meantime can someone else step in to throw it?
Post # 12
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t see the big deal. So she cancelled. She MIGHT be having money problems, but it’s rude of anyone to just assume because she has money she HAS to spend it on your events. Please, my purse will not revolve around you and your wedding.
I would reach out to her and make her know that since most of the people EATING at this event is your family, that you would be willing to help her out financially. If she still backs out, then just have one of your own family do it for you.
I just don’t understand all this assumptions and ultimately judgments to people you call “best” friends. If you’re so f*cling close then I don’t see why you can’t reach out to her and have a candid conversation instead of just talking to a bunch of Internet strangers.
Post # 13
Member
12320 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
As host, she had a right to her vision of this event, including making it an intimate friends shower if that’s what she wanted it to be. If she spends the way you say she does, it’s very possible that she’s overextended, even living at home. How do you know that her parents don’t charge her anything?
Post # 14
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
swirlyclover86: You must not have read the part where the Maid/Matron of Honor offered to throw/host the shower. When you offer to throw an event such as a bridal shower you know that you are financially responsible for it.
Post # 15
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
swirlyclover86: You know, there’s always one person on the Bee that goes above and beyond to be nasty. I’m happy you gave me your opinion, but don’t belittle me because I’m looking for advice before I talk to her. My Maid/Matron of Honor means a lot to me and I wanted to think and get other opinions before I confronted her… A lot like other people that post on these boards looking for advice. The reason it’s a big deal is becsuse I want her to be involved in the experience and it hurts me that she makes important plans with me just to cancel. This was especially important to me and it made me feel excited when she was excited to get all of my loved ones in the same place. Oh, and she has been in contact with my mom and my mom offered to pay for the food. Maid/Matron of Honor accepted. So all she had to do was send invites (email so they’re free) and show up. I never once stated that her and “her purse” should revolve around my wedding. Thanks for the ever so helpful reply.
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