(Closed) moh difficulties.. i need some advice.. a lil long..

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should definitely be up front with her about it. This looks like a disaster waiting to happen, and you shouldn’t be stressing about it in the last month before your wedding. 

I think if you tell her that you don’t feel like you could be the Maid/Matron of Honor she deserves due to the timing of your own wedding, she should understand. Explain that you are honored to be asked, but really won’t have the time to dedicate, and don’t want her to be stressed or upset when you’re to busy to commit to the Maid/Matron of Honor role. 

If you feel like you can handle being a Bridesmaid or Best Man or being Maid/Matron of Honor without planning the shower, I think that’s a good compromise and you can offer her that. But make sure her expectations are clear and that you can handle what she’s going to ask of you. 

Post # 4
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Is she still doing all of those things for you? 

Could you enlist the help of the other BMs? maybe they can make some calls for you, and you can execute the shower itself.  Or skip it – are you sure she wants one?  really, your only duty is to be her right hand gal and be there for her on the wedding day – the other stuff is extra.  See what her expectations are – since it’s such a short timeframe for her too, i’m sure she understands how stressful the quick timeline is.

Post # 5
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’d suck it up. It really sucks and puts a lot of pressure on you, but she obviously cares about you a lot to have you in her wedding, and you should be there for her. and then, the month before her wedding, make sure she works double time on yours! 🙂

Post # 6
32 posts
  • Wedding: June 2010

I completely understand, I got engaged Feb 09 and will be married June 10. My bestie got engaged two months ago and is getting married in May 10. And the kicker is, One of our friends got engaged over Thanksgiving, and is getting married in March or April. So I have come to the conclusion I will do it all myself. Although I have not had any input from my Bridesmaid or Best Man or MOD on anything. (Getting sizes is like pulling teeth). So that may have to be some thing you might do, just act as though it is your wedding and no matter how stressfull it will get This is your wedding and when it comes you can set back and look around and say I DID THIS! Good luck and enjoy it. This is the best day of your life.

Post # 7
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I would ask and see what her expectations are. Maybe you can see if someone would be willing to help you with the planning, such as a relative of hers.

With my Maid/Matron of Honor, I just expected her to be there the day of and help wherever she could. She ended up being the person who zipped up my dress and helped with my jewelry and shoes.

I was her Maid/Matron of Honor too (2 months after me) and I just made sure that she had whatever she needed. I was finding bobby pins and hair ties for her, but I wasn’t expected to throw her a shower. I just had to be there for her and stand up with her.

Post # 8
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Is her mother around? Maybe she can help you with the shower, or any of her aunts thats willing to help? Sorry you’re in this situation.  Im getting married in 5 mnths and cant imagine if any one of my friends asked me to be their Maid/Matron of Honor, I mean, there’s just soooooo much to do right now.  

Post # 9
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Keep in mind that she probably doesn’t realise what a difficult situation this is for you.  (I wouldn’t have!)  As long as you talk to her about your concerns with time issues and being able to give her everything she deserves (shower etc.) I think you’ll be fine.

Post # 10
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oy!  This is a tough one.  I really do think she asked you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor with the best intentions. 

Do you know why she planned her wedding for  March..that is a short engagement!  I am a big believer in being upfront with friends/family so I think you should sit down with her and tell her how honored you are to be asked to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, and then tell her how you feel worried about spreading yourself too thin, etc.  You might also ask what her expectations are of you – you never know, she might not have high expectations or perhaps if you approach her with the fact that you are worried you won’t be able to give the position the time it deserves you two can come up with a plan of attack.

Good Luck!  Keep us posted on how it turns out!

Post # 11
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

While it’s a difficult situation, it depends on the demands she’s placing on you. my Maid/Matron of Honor planned a shower and bachelorette party, but honestly, it’s not that hard unless the bride is unreasonable or everyone wants a lavish event. Really! She told me my parties were a cinch to throw b/c she just picked up food (sam’s club sandwiches, etc and had the bridesmaids bring a dish but you could just as easily have everyone chip in $10 and pick up a cake or make cupcakes), kicked me out of my house, and set up the party whiel i was at the gym. And it was combined…so it only took up one day of all of our lives. It’s manageable for lots of circumstances. Now, if she expects you to come over every weekend and help her with invites and stuff, that’s another story. But if it’s just the big bride type parties, I think you can swing that with some time management on your part. A shower and a bachelorette party don’t have to eat up all your spare time.

Send out e-vites, throw a luncheon at a restaurant, buy her lunch, let everyone buy their own tab, and keep it simple. She doesn’t need elaborate parties, but do it all in one day. Bridal luncheon, then everyone go back to the bride’s place, hang out, make it BYOB, go out to a few bars, come home, bed time. Don’t make a bigger deal out of it than it absolutely has to be. Yes, it’s hard to find one day when it comes down to crunch time, but i bet if you ask your Fiance to do some stuff or do a little more during the week you can slack off one Saturday

Post # 12
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Definitely ask exactly what she expects of you and what help you’ll have before freaking out to her or backing down. You’d regret losing the friendship over this! Keep the parties as simple as possible and delegate as much as you can.

Post # 13
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Hmm…I’m not going to be the popular post, but I don’t think she’s “doing” anything to you. She’s also getting married, she’s thrilled, wants you to be as much a part of her wedding as she is yours, and your wedding shouldn’t dictate when she should get married. I know you said that you were fine with her getting married before you, but it sounds as if you aren’t ok with it.

My Maid/Matron of Honor and best friend got married 2 weeks before me. I was more concerned with her picking a wedding date so that she could at least attend my wedding! I let her know that if she felt the Maid/Matron of Honor duties were too much with her own wedding being right around the corner, that I would completely understand if she just wanted to be a bridesmaid or if she just wanted to come to the wedding. It’s definitely a lot of work, but it sounds as if she’s doing all of the Maid/Matron of Honor duties for you…but this date just worked out for them. Some people don’t want a long engagement. I’m thinking that if you don’t think you can handle the responsibility, just talk with her about it. Don’t take it as a personal attack on you and your wedding. She knows you have a lot to do, and so does she. She is also planning a wedding and having to plan a shower for you too in a short amount of time! I think it’s more a decision you have to make if it’s too much for you or not. If she’s really a good friend, she’ll be disappointed, but will understand.

Post # 14
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Ah…and ejs mentioned the bachelorette party too. Both my Maid/Matron of Honor and I realized that plannign 2 bachelorette parties in a short amount of time wouldn’t be the most ideal, so we did a joint B-party. We both weren’t into the normal B-party stuff, so we just bought group tickets to the Phillies game and went to a bar afterwards. By far the most fun I’ve ever had. It was honestly great going through the whole wedding experience with her. Our weddings were completely different, but we helped to keep each other sane!

Post # 15
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2006

If you think it is too much to plan your wedding and be in hers, then don’t be in hers.  Tell her you are honored but cannot do it.  Offer to do a reading or some other low stress event if she wants you to participate.  And find out what she really wants; as others have said with a short engagement she may not want all the “stuff” that goes with a traditional wedding. My best friend since the 7th grade wasn’t in my wedding; she and her husband are very very poor and the expense of traveling to another state (gas, hotel and a $10 pic frame for my present) were all they could afford. 

Sorry to say, but I have seen these issues tear apart friendships.  I had a friend since college who got engaged in 2005 and planned a wedding in Spring 2007.  It was a huge affair with lots of guests (like 400).  In Spring 2006 I was introduced to a guy and we were “clicking” really well.  Shortly after I met him she invited me out to dinner, in part to tell me that if I got married before she did she would not be my friend.  Shocked and annoyed I asked why?  “Because you’re stealing my thunder.  This is my time to be the Bride!” Sure enough, we got married before she did.  To this day she hardly speaks to me and many mutual friends comment how weird it was that they got her “save the date” cards the day before my wedding! (Like she couldn’t have waited until the Monday after we were married to send them out!)

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