Post # 1
Since 4th grade, I have had a best friend. In the past few years, she hasn’t been there for me when I needed her to be, and put her boyfriend first (even though he wasn’t in need at that time ). She’s changed since she’s been with him, and our relationship has taken a downturn; I don’t feel that I can honestly call her my best friend anymore. We’ve talked multiple times and nothing has changed. She has no other close friends besides me anymore because of how obsessed with her bf she is. My close friend from college has really stepped up when I needed her every time, when the other girl wasn’t. I’ve grown SO close with the college friend, and feel like she is my best friend. However, I know the childhood friend will be deeply offended if I don’t ask her to be the Maid/Matron of Honor, even though she probably won’t be able to be involved much anyway due to living 11 hours away (she moved wi th her bf when he got a job). My college friend I know will do a great job at being Maid/Matron of Honor, and I love her so much, she really deserves it. What do I do?
Post # 2
I would so the college friend to be your Maid/Matron of Honor you needs someone who will be there to support and assist you not someone who will cause you stress, how many people are you planning on having in your bridal party? Could you ask the childhood friend to be a bridesmaid so she doesn’t feel left out or give some other role in the wedding a reading perhaps?
Post # 3
befuddledbride: I think you lucked out with her living 11 hours away. That can be your perfect excuse for asking your college friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 4
When there’s not a clear cut decision like a sister I would say don’t have a Maid/Matron of Honor at all or have multiple MOHs. Friendships, like all relationships, go back and forth. Sometimes I’m closer to some friends than others. I would never rank my friends so it seems like a bad idea to pick one as the “most important” by giving them a Maid/Matron of Honor title. It’s just a title after all, it doesn’t mean that that person will help you more with your wedding or support your marraige more. The friendship dictates that, not the Maid/Matron of Honor title.
Post # 5
If she isnt even a good friend then svrew her and get college friend in.
you can spin it as ” i dont want to inconvenience you since you live so far away and make you feel obligated to do all the stuff a moh needs to do”
Kind of downplay the role and be like ” i dont want you too feel like im bossing you around or that you have to wear and do what i say, so college friend who im not super close with but lives closer aeems like a better fit”.
Or you can just tell het the truth – since youve been with thay bf we have drifted apart and I really deel like i need soneobe who will definitely be there for me as Maid/Matron of Honor. Im sorry if that upsets you. I would like to inprove our friendship but aince i need to be able to rely on you for the job i dont want to take that risk atm.
Post # 6
befuddledbride: I’d ask the college friend honestly. The other cam still be a bridesmaid. If she is offended then too bad! She is still your friend and you should try to include her but you need a moh who will support you and not ignore you
Post # 7
In reality, the roles are a symbolic honor that come with no obligation other than purchasing a dress and supporting the bride on her wedding day. So IMO it’s disingenuous to use the distance excuse. On the other hand, there is no law that says you can’t have two BMs or two MOHs.
Post # 8
I think you can definitely do two Maid/Matron of Honor or you can also speak to your childhood friend candidly and explain that you would love for her to be part of your wedding party as a bridesmaid. I think if she presses the issue just explain that your college friend will be Maid/Matron of Honor but she can definitely assist with the planning and support of your wedding day along with your college friend.
Post # 9
If you feel you MUST have a Maid/Matron of Honor, and only one… ask the college friend. As PPs said, you’ve lucked out with your other friend living so far away. Just explain to her that you would love for her to be a part of your wedding and stand with you as your bridesmaid. If she presses the Maid/Matron of Honor thing just explain that your college friend is much closer so easier for you to call on when you need help with planning/DIY etc and that is why you picked her.
Or, do what I did (I had a similar situation) and have all bridesmaids and no Maid/Matron of Honor. Or have two MOHs. There really is no rule.
Post # 10
Don’t ask your old friend out of obligation. That is recipe for disaster. She doesn’t seem like a very good friend, she’s done nothing to be a better one even after conversations about it, and it doesn’t really seem like you are that close anymore. Definitely ask your college friend. You are allowed to change who your best friend is. I did – my best friend in the world is someone I knew in high school and got close to in college. We talk every day. Whereas my longtime “best friend” is kind of like yours – has sacrificed everything (including friendships) for her boyfriend, doesn’t talk to anyone anymore, and has made no attempts to reconnect. Asking her would have been nothing but trouble.
Post # 11
befuddledbride: thank you all, I appreciate your insight! 🙂
Post # 12
befuddledbride: Pick the friend that is closest to you. People grow apart as they get older, so you are under no obligation to pick your oldest friend as your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 13
Ask your college friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor and your other friend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, provided you trust that she will not be a difficult Bridesmaid or Best Man. Her being offended is not your concern, in the end it is your wedding.