Post # 1
I’m 22, graduating college in December and getting married in January. I chose my college friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. I chose her over any of my three sisters, and my best friend from high school, and some of my family/friends raised questions about my decision. But, I figured I love her to death, she’s fiercely loyal, super organized, and a lot of fun – plus it’s my decision, right?
Fast forward six months… she has been a huge disappointment. I got engaged at the beginning of last semester, and Maid/Matron of Honor graduated in May and went off to law school 4 hours away. I now realize that we both grossly underestimated the demands of law school. Maid/Matron of Honor is hardly ever around to talk or catch up, give me updates on her new life, be excited about mine, or brainstorm about wedding ideas. She missed my bridal shower because of a law school exam review. She also missed fittings for Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses that same weekend. We hardly ever talk because she’s always in the library or with other people from her law school.
Recently, I was in a town less than an hour from her for a few days with a LOT of free time in my schedule. Although we talked about it numerous times, she never made the effort to meet up with me while I was close by due to school assignments. I am well aware how important school is to her – her overacheiving in undergrad is something I always respected, envied, and loved about her. And I realize that law school and exams are life-altering important (literally) at this point in life, but so is my wedding for me. It had been that important to her before she became so intwined with law school.
I guess I’m just disappointed because I expected her to be a huge part of planning and my life in general, even factoring in law school life. And I know that if the roles were reversed, I would have made the time to see her last week, even if it meant staying up all night to finish my assignments when I got back.
I know that after the semester ends, she will be the world’s best Maid/Matron of Honor for the three weeks between finals and the wedding – energetic, organized, you name it. But it makes it hard not to wonder if any one of my friends, sisters, or other bridesmaids might have been able to be a better Maid/Matron of Honor all along. Is it wrong for me to be thinking of changing my Maid/Matron of Honor while there are still a couple months before the wedding? Can I even do that without crushing her feelings? Any Bee advice on how to at least talk to her? Thanks in advance.
Post # 3
These is really no way to replace her and have that conversation without damaging your friendship. While it may be disappointing that she wasn’t as involved as you’d like, no one is going to be as excited as your wedding as you are. It’s not realistic to expect that she should back-seat her life-altering plans to yours. Your friendship is evolving and it will continue to evolve as she continues with law school and as you adjust to married life. Your friend sounds like an extremely driven student who focuses all her energy on her top priority and you sound hurt that your wedding is not her priority right now. I don’t think you should replace her because that would really damage your friendship, but instead use the time between semesters to reconnect and catch up on things before your wedding.
Post # 4
There may be a reason she is as dedicated as she is.
I am a perpetual slacker. I will bust my ass for a very long time but if someone gives me an opportunity to slack off, I will, and sometimes it leads me to never getting back on track. I am not saying your MoH is a slacker, but maybe there is a reason she is being so focused. Maybe she’s picked up some extra work, or is attempting to do better on a test/grade/paper/whatever? Maybe she’s in some extracirricular activities that require her attention as well.
It isn’t entirely her fault she hasn’t been a big of a part as you’d wished. You chose her for your MoH for a reason, and if I were in your position, I would keep her and not say a word about it. School sucks, especially law school.
Post # 5
You want to kick her out because her school takes priority over your wedding? You have unreasonable expectations of what a Maid/Matron of Honor is supposed to be doing. As long as she shows up on the day in her pretty dress that should be enough. Anything else is just a bonus.
Post # 6
The first year of law school is ridiculously overwhelming. Cut her some slack. Your wedding is in a matter of weeks- there’s no way to do that without coming off as a first rate bridezilla. If you really wanted her for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress fitting & you knew she was unavailable then you should have scheduled it another time. For her law school is much more of a priority, but that doesn’t mean she is not still your friend.
You will realize as you get older that the definition of a friend will change. People get married, move away, have kids etc and their priorities shift. If you care about the friendship, you accept this new relationship and appreciate the time you have. If I got mad at every friend that drifts away a bit because of life, well, I would be a pretty miserable person.
Post # 7
@padme: I agree with you.
OP you even said that she would be dedicating her 3 weeks off to your wedding- not relaxing or chilling out after the stressful and hard first 7 months of law school.
Have you been there for her at all during this transition for her? You never once mention supporting her, calling her, going up to her school to see her. Sounds very one sided to me.
Post # 8
Soon she’ll be on winter break and will have time to plan with you.
Post # 9
My Maid/Matron of Honor had to move 4 hours away right after the engagment. She luckly got to do dress shopping with me and was able to attend one of my two showers but last min had to back out of one of the showers, she wasn’t there to help with hardly anything untill the day before but you know what it was our love that mattered most. That mattered that she had the title and she did the best she could.