(Closed) MOH drama… Need to vent!

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@KarenA:  Please please please DO NOT KICK HER OUT!  Kicking someone out of your bridal party is a friendship ending move.  The only reasons you can kick someone out are if she commited a crime against you (or your family or friends), tried to sleep with your Fiance, or is trying to break up your marriage.  Honestly, I’m surprised that after you tried to kick her out she’s still friends with you.  Why did she want to step down?  Do you only talk about wedding stuff with her? It could get annoying if all you do is discuss the wedding (remember no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are) and I can understand if she doesn’t want to go dress shopping – or do anything else wedding related for that matter.

The only thing your Maid/Matron of Honor has to do is show up clean and sober in the proper dress (assuming it’s within her budget), hold your bouquet, and maybe sign your marrige certificate.  She does not have to throw you parties, she does not have to go dress shopping with you, nor does she have to help you plan anything.  Yes, those things would be nice and it’s ok to be disappointed that she’s not intersted, but you should not expect and cannot demand she help with anything.  If she’s not getting back to you about Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, find out her budget, pick a dress within that budget, and then tell her a date to order the dress by.  It’d be nice if she could be there, but she doesn’t have to be.  And you’re right.  You do need to call her or talk to her face to face.

Post # 4
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@RunsWithBears:  Word, we should make this the general response for everyone who starts ‘venting’ about their underperfoming MOH/BM

Post # 5
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ditto both PP’s. 

Post # 6
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Maid/Matron of Honor may not HAVE to do anything but when you have all these awesome Bridesmaid or Best Man would want to do wonderful/fun wedding stuff it’s hard to have her ignore you and the wedding

i say its your call… but i don’t always follow the “rules” 🙂 

good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

1st Don’t kick her out.

2nd Think back before the whole wedding deal…was she the kind of friend who would have wanted to go look at dresses and giggle over wedding plans? If not, it’s not fair to expect her to change her personality just because she’s Maid/Matron of Honor. I’m not engaged yet, but I have some very close friends I’d love to have as BMs someday. There are at least 2 that I will NEVER expect to show up to that kind of stuff, because it’s just not them. They wouldn’t help me look for a regular dress….why would they suddenly care about a wedding dress? I guess you just can’t expect people to go outside of their personality just because you’re getting married.

Post # 9
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@KarenA: From your first post.

She’s still Maid/Matron of Honor but she hasn’t done anything. All my other BMs have gone dress shopping with me atleast once, we’ve had a meet and greet for all the wedding party and everyone but Maid/Matron of Honor showed up. Between the other 3 that live in my province (one is in Alberta, the other 4 are here in Ontario) they’ve planned my bridal shower and bachelorette, Maid/Matron of Honor hasn’t done anything. I don’t expect anything out of the Bridesmaid or Best Man in Alberta, she’s too far away. I have one Bridesmaid or Best Man who asks me on a weekly basis how things are going with Maid/Matron of Honor and after I tell her, every single time I get “You should kick her out and make Bridesmaid or Best Man N your Maid/Matron of Honor.” Yeah, I know, thanks. But its kinda hard to kick her out when she won’t stop ignoring me!!

What should I do, kick her out or wait till I can get her face to face and try to get her to understand that I need her to do some things for me? Seriously, dress shopping is not that big of a deal, especially when she loves to shop. I’m pretty sure if I just leave it to her to go try on the dress by herself, it’ll never happen.

 

1. So now I’m just confused.  You say you don’t expect them to do anything execpt her to do anything but get the dress, show up, etc. but then you complain how she’s not doing anything and ignores you when you talk about wedding stuff.  You said you wanted to kick her out because she isn’t doing enough, but now you’re saying it’s because she isn’t giving you straight answers.  Which is it?  Though, honestly it doesn’t matter because neither is an acceptable reason.  As I said before, pick out a dress, give her a date to order by, and if she doesn’t get the dress she has taken herself out of the wedding party.

2. I know weddings can be stressful, but a wedding isn’t worth losing a good friend.

3. Let me get this straight, she has an awful bf who treats her terribly and you’re concerned she isn’t doing enough for your wedding?  I hope you don’t mean it that way but that’s how I read what you wrote.  Honestly, I would be more concerned about her relationship with her Boyfriend or Best Friend and trying to help her rather than focusing on how she’s not helping with my wedding.  Remeber, she is first and foremost your friend.  Also, it’s good that you only talk about wedding stuff during wedding related activities, but how many of those activities are you having?  If you’re having say more than 1 wedding related thing every week (or even every other week) that can be a lot for people. 

4. If you gave your Bridesmaid or Best Man a vibe similar to the one you gave in your first post, she probably thinks you expect a lot from her and is worried she won’t be able to live up to your expectations and then you’ll be upset and disown her as a friend (ie kick her out).  What striaght answers are you not getting?  Will she not say if she’ll be able to order the dress and show up to the wedding?  If she said she’d be your Maid/Matron of Honor then I would assume she can do those 2 things. 

I don’t care if she doesn’t plan any parties or showers or whatnot, that’s already covered by the other BMs.

I have to ask, would you care if your BMs had not already offered to throw you a bach party and bridal shower?

Honestly, I still don’t think she has done anything wrong.  Sure, it’s annoying she doesn’t answer all of your texts.  But maybe you should reassure her that all she has to do is get the dress and show up and that you’d really like her to be there when you pick out Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, but that it’s ok if she isn’t able to make it.

I do have one more question – does she ask you about you about non-wedding related things?  If not, then I don’t think you have a Maid/Matron of Honor issue, I think you have a friend issue.
 

 

Post # 10
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m pretty bad at answering texts when I’m busy or stressed out. Sometimes (because of where I am), I don’t get them until way later.

I’m also not clear… was this for your dress, or hers?

 

ETA – why did she try to back out before?

Post # 11
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

There has to be some time you can call her. If she’s off on Mondays, then call her on a Monday on your lunch break and don’t let her off the phone until she’s agreed to a day and time to go see the dress.

 

Post # 12
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, right now I think you need to focus on this friendship.  She may not be in a great place in her relationship.  Your bridesmaids have NO right to tell you to kick her out.  You say that you don’t expect her to come to wedding stuff, but you told us in your original post that was one of the reasons you were thinking of removing her.  We need the real facts in order to give you advice.

Post # 14
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@KarenA:  Sorry hun but you sound like a total hypocrite. In your most recent post you said “I do not expect her to be excited and jump at my every beck and call. I do not expect her to plan anything or to even help plan anything. […] I want to kick her out because I feel like she just doesn’t care. […] I’m also concerned that she may never get around to getting a dress and given her past track record with not showing up to our wedding-related events I’m concerned she won’t show up to the actual wedding or will back out last minute.”

And then said, “We talked it all out, I told her what I expect (buy a dress, show up, have fun. No more, no less.) and she was ok with that. […]I don’t expect her to come to the unnecessary wedding stuff but I do expect her to go get a dress.”

See what I mean? You said you don’t care about these things and then used it as a sort of justification to give her a boot. Also, what stuff do you need her to pick up for you? Does she really not have a car? If your so concerned about the dress not getting ordered, pick her up and take her to the shop. Simple.

Post # 16
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@KarenA:  Just give her the very last date that she can order the dress (and options for rush delivery) and let her know that.  Maybe she doesn’t like trying clothing on in front of other people.

Seriously, all we know is what you tell us, so we are using your words to evaluate your situation.  We’re trying to keep you from ruining a friendship here.  We aren’t going to support something that we know will end up hurthing you and your friend in the long run.

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