Post # 1
Hi bees, I could really use your input and help! I’m sorry this post is longer than I intended..
So my fiancé and I are getting married in my dad’s backyard in 29 days. The wedding is pretty casual overall. Originally, we were going to skip having a wedding party and have our mutual friend that we met through 12 years ago officiate. However we decided we really wanted another mutual friend, Sarah, to be included so we decided to have a mate of honor and best mate.
Immediately after inviting them both to be part of our big day we began to regret it. Sarah is very flakey and at times just not a good friend to either of us. She moved into our apartment building as ‘we’re best friends and she wanted to be close to us’ however she always makes really stupid excuses to not see us. For example, she was coming over last night for drinks and football and I invited her to come up and eat dinner with us, her excuse was “no thanks, I have to stop after work and buy something to make for dinner anyways”
Sarah was originally my fiancé’s friend, but we have become pretty close over the past couple of years. We call each other best friends, we hang out without our SOs, and she gets drunk and lies with me and says I’m her favorite.
But I now am considering asking her to not be my mate of honor. Lately when she gets drunk she says things like she should be my fiancés person at the wedding, not mine, because he’s known her the longest. She said she doesn’t want to give a speech and “how can we expect her to write a speech about someone she doesn’t know anyways”. My wedding is in 29 days and she still doesn’t have a dress! I have bought her multiple dresses, taken her to the mall, etc and she has lied about her size or turned down every dress for one reason or another. Last night was the final straw for me, I am about to snap. I was talking to my work friend who will be at the wedding and expressing how excited I was she was coming and Sarah said “can she be your mate of honor so I don’t have to?”
Bees, what do I do? I don’t want her in my wedding or to share this important day by my side, but since my fiancé and I only have one member of our wedding parties I know it will look really bad to not have anyone on my side at all. Do I suck it up and let Sarah be in the wedding? Do I explain all of this to someone else and find a last minute replacement? Or do I have uneven sides in my wedding? Is there something else we can have the original friend do to still be included, we still want her to be a part of the day. Thank you in advance for help!
Post # 2
I’m so confused, are you sure you’re even friends??
Post # 3
She has outright said that she doesn’t want to do it, so I’m not sure why you would even consider still having her?! She has asked for a way out so give her one.
Post # 4
I’m confused too.. we definitely were friends. My fiance agrees that this whole situation is weird and he doesn’t understand why she is acting this way, but he is too nice of a person to kick her out of the wedding or tell her how we are feeling (I am not). When I asked her to be my person in the wedding she was so excited and crying! She was supportive and excited and genuinely looking forward to it. I don’t know what changed, or when, but I feel like she isn’t even my friend at all anymore.
Post # 5
This person is not your friend. In fact, I’m getting a sense that she has ulterior motives with regard to your fiance, but that’s my radar going off. Maybe I’m wrong. I’d boot her from the wedding asap and replace her.
Post # 6
Sarah doesn’t want to be in the wedding, tell her “ok” and move on.
No, you do not need to have anyone stand with you.
Yes, you can have uneven sides.
Most importantly, you are not friends. It sounds like she was your FI’s friend and that is fine.
No offense, but you all seem a little young. Here’s some advice, get some mature friends who are consistent. Sarah isn’t and that is fine. But when you get married, your focus is primarily on your mate/family, therefore, you need mature friends who are as close to “drama free” as possible.
Once again, tell Sarah you accept her decline and leave it at that. She’ll more than likely feel like an ass.
Post # 7
It sounds like she wants your fiance’. It sounds like she wishe she was in your place. Either that or she is wanting to get married and she and her so are not there yet. I wouldn’t have her standing next to me. Either see if you have another friend who would support you or don’t have anyone at all.
Post # 8
We are not young, we are almost 30. We usually pride ourselves on how little drama we have in our lives compared to our friends, but this situation screams otherwise. I used to have really close, drama-free friends; but I moved to a different state to be with fiance a few years ago, and while I am still in contact with my friends its hard to have a long distance friendship that is solid enough to ask them to be in my wedding. I know she will feel like an ass when I accept this, but fiance and I fear she will actually be very upset and not understand even though she continuously implies otherwise.
I don’t think she wants my fiance, although other’s who I have vented to have said the same. They were childhood friends who have always been close. I think your point about her wanting to get married may be the thing. She dates a much older man who in no way has his life together and pretty much uses her for a roof over his head and other financial support. They always claimed they agreed to not get married and were happy with that decision, but last time we were at the mall to look at dresses we stopped to get my ring cleaned and she looked at engagement rings and told me she wants him to propose and have a wedding…
Thanks everyone else for your opinions, I realized before posting this I no longer want to share the day with her, I just didn’t know what to do about filling the space. I agree it’d be better to have an uneven wedding than share the moment with her.
Post # 9
You don’t have to fill the space. In fact, that will likely make whoever you pick feel like you think they are just placeholders and you think people are replaceable. You either have a close friend you can’t imagine not having by your side or you don’t. I think you are inflating just how much other people care who is or is not up there or what they think it looks like (spoiler alert: no one else cares).
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2019 - UK
Have you asked her why she seems so different lately? If she was exited before and now said she would rather be out something must have happened between then and now that has made her change her mind. I suggests you have a good talk.
Oh and your story about her not wanting to eat with you is not strange at all to me. You invite her to dinner she said no thank you I’m going to the shops anyway so ill just pick up something for myself. People don’t need an excuse to say no, they can just say no because they don’t want to. Maybe she just want that time for herself before heading up to you guys. Nothing odd or strange about that. She might have some chores to do, someone to call, a episode of something she really wants to see, or lie on her bed and zone out for 20 min after work, all none of your business. It’s not a lie, she is going to she shop to buy her own food and you need no more info than that.
Post # 11
What have your responses been to her outright rude comments? If she had said anything like that to me numerous times you can bet that I would’ve said something. At least asked her what’s wrong/going on!
Post # 12
Good lord, please ditch her. She sounds way worse than my bridesmaid who is flaky and only turns up when everyone else is going and it looks like fun (like she doesn’t want to miss out on fun things) but turns me down with lame excuses and show disinterest when she’s the only one who has to go with me or help out.
Your friend doesn’t sound like a friend AT ALL (does she even have any redeeming qualities??), what more a Maid/Matron of Honor. A Maid/Matron of Honor position is a very honored position and should only be given to someone who knows and loves you best, why would you give that honor to this person?
Post # 13
She doesn’t want to be in the wedding, grant her wish.