Post # 1
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Regular Bee going anon,
My Maid/Matron of Honor chose to drop from our wedding this AM via text. We grew up together, but lost touch for about 10 years. About a year ago we reconnected and she would always talk about how she wanted to be in my wedding. I understand why, she does have a lot of personal things going on in her life. I just can’t help but feel extremely shitty about it. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m taking it personal. I haven’t been able to bring myself to text her back (mostly because I’m still in denial and also because I know I’ll break down and cry, I’m at work and that’s something I never want to do here). I called my Fiance and he didn’t make me feel any better. He’s the type of person that gives people the benefit of the doubt. I was hoping to get something like “I’m SO sorry, How does that make you feel?, That sucks!, Is there anything I can do to help you right now”….the first thing he said was “Well she is going through a lot. And I kinda saw that coming.” His empathy for others is one of the things I love most about him, but I guess I was just looking for a little more sympathy for me first.
I’m SO embarrased. How do I break the news to my other BMs? I already have very few friends. When my Fiance and I wrote down our guest list, my side was 80% family. I had really dig deep to find some friends to invite. It’s always been hard for me to make friends, now I feel like the wedding is just going to highlight that and draw attention to it. Is it fair for me to ask my Fiance to drop one of his groomsmen? I know that sounds bad, but one of his groomsmen was a last minute add and was only asked because I kinda wanted even numbers. He didn’t really want to ask him, according to my Fiance he’s one of those friends you like and get along with but is mostly “trouble”. I’m also super nervous to tell my mother. She’s the type that would call my friend and try to convince her to change her mind. I DON’T want that. I know this is her decision and was probably hard for her to come to, so I’m not looking forward to facing this.
Would appreciate some encouraging words, tips/advice, from the hive. How should I respond back to her in a gracious way? And if any other bees have gone through this, what did you do to get through it?
Post # 2
Member
6929 posts
Busy Beekeeper
First: do NOT ask your Fiance to drop a groomsman. That would be extremely rude and just because he didn’t really want him in the wedding in the first place, he is now. Having even numbers honestly doesn’t matter at all. No one will care.
Second: I’m very sorry this happened to you. I can totally understand you being upset. It hurts. But you say you do understand because she has a lot on her plate, so chances are it’s not personal at all. However, I think her dropping out via text was VERY inappropriate. This is something that at the very least deserves a phone call. Did she say why?
Third: When is your wedding? You can simply tell your other BMs that Maid/Matron of Honor had to drop out due to personal reasons but you love them all and can’t wait for the big day. They don’t need all the details. Neither does your mother. In fact, I don’t see why you have to tell your mother at all. It’s not like something she needs to know anyway.
Post # 3
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
Hugs! I am so sorry, and you have every right to feel sad. It’s easier said that done, but try not to take it too personally. As you mentioned, she does have a lot going on. Try to get through the day the best you can. Be extra nice to yourself – get a fancy coffee, or go out to lunch, buy yourself some flowers – whatever makes you feel better.
I think the most gracious way to handle this is to tell her that you understand and hope she will still attend the wedding as a guest.
Don’t remove any groomsmen. It’s totally fine to have uneven numbers, and it’s actually quite common. As you see the rest of your BMs just casually mention that your friend is no longer Maid/Matron of Honor or in the bridal party. You don’t need provide any explanations and there doesn’t need to be a huge annoucement. Or just say the say had a lot of her plate and bean dip the conversation.
Post # 4
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
I know how you feel. Fortunately, I had my only sister as my maid of honor. I had ONE girlfriend at my wedding. The other 6 friends I invited had all given various excuses for not coming (granted it was long distance for them). I felt a little insecure about it before the wedding, but then I realized that I could enjoy the night with my husband without feeling like I had to entertain or talk to friends. You know what? It was awesome. I got to eat, mingle, and dance without worrying that my friends were having a good time. Remember, your wedding about you and your new husband.
There are no rules saying you must have a maid of honor. The rest of the bridesmaids can take up the duty of signing the marriage license, making a toast, and fluffing your gown. It will all work out.
Post # 5
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
Hey Bee, I am really sorry this happened to you. It’s hard when people disappoint us. One thing you have to respect though is your Maid of Honor being upfront with you (I am hoping your wedding is at least a few months out). It probably was incredibly difficult for her to drop out and likely she texted you because she didn’t have the courage to call. Shitty yes, but she probably felt bad. I think in the long run it is better for her to decline now than be a half-assed Maid/Matron of Honor. I think that would be worse. I would just graciously like others have said thank her for her honesty and let her know she is more than welcome to attend your wedding. If you she makes up an excuse as to why she can’t be at the wedding, I’d probably back right off of the friendship.
Post # 6
Member
2231 posts
Buzzing bee
anongoldenbee : sometimes things happen and you can’t control them. Whilst it sucks, it’s much better that she drops out now rather than a couple of weeks before the wedding. I’m sure your Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t mean anything by it. Maybe a call would have been nice but would you have handled a call well? Considering you’ve not yet responded to her text. Maybe she was too chicken to call or maybe she felt that wouldn’t be a good call for you to receive.
You don’t need to be embarassed. How do her personal problems reflect on you? Tell the other bridesmaids that she decided to step back for personal reasons. That’s all you need.
Youve already asked the groomsman so you can’t unask him. Yes you only asked because you wanted even numbers but unfortunately that’s something’s you have to continue with now.
Don’t tell your mother anything. Just avoid it until it’s been a little while and then you “she dropped out ages ago, its old news”.
Text your friend back and say you understand, you still love her and that you’ll catch up soon.
Finally the number of friends you have doesn’t define your self worth. I also have very few friends and struggle to make friends but it isn’t something to be embarassed about. There isn’t a threshold of friends you need to be a decent person. If you feel you are lacking friends then that is something to look at outside your wedding but wouldn’t magically resolve itself now and has no bearing on the wedding because the Maid/Matron of Honor is still your friend. I’d urge you to look at the quality of those friendships rather the quantity of friends, it might make a big difference to your outlook. Also it makes sense that your family would be 80% of your guest list, most weddings I’ve been to the guests have mainly been family. Family is at multiple generations (rather than friends which would typically be within a couple of years of you) and that means they’ve already established spouses and children you have to invite.
Post # 7
Member
4226 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
I’m sorry this happened to you. Speaking as someone who also has a harder time making friends, bridesmaids stuff is stressful at the best of times!
For what its worth, I had an odd number at my wedding (3 Bridesmaid or Best Man 4GM) and it totally wasn’t a big deal! Uneven numbers are more common than you’d think. The most important thing right now is to give yourself that private moment to grieve, pour yourself a glass of wine, and keep moving forwards *hug*
Post # 8
Member
9076 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Tell the bridesmaids she dropped out, no big deal.
Do NOT ask him to drop anyone from his side.
Post # 9
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
I did this. But, it was because I was TOTALLY done with this person. I specifially told her I did not want to be her Maid/Matron of Honor nor her friend anymore. I would never do that to someone who I wanted a relationship with. I did not attend the wedding, either. I can’t tell you why she did this to you, but I can tell you why I did this. This person was my maid of honor at my wedding. She was not engaged at the time, and she was upset that it was not yet her time. She caused a ton of problems and nearly ruined my shower and bachelorette. She insisted on making me to come to her (out of state) for the bachelorette so not many people could attend. I tried everything I could to forgive her. Then when I was her Maid/Matron of Honor, it all came back. She made a ton of ridiculous demands for us. She demanded I keep my speech to no longer than 5 mins?! Really? We all had to go and buy a specific nail polish, we all had to pay for our own hair and makeup, but she wanted us to use her person. She disrespected me when I said I had already booked my person, which she was told MONTHS before (long story but she was pretending it never was discussed). So, I cut her off two weeks before the wedding. She insulted me about my hair and I was 2 seconds from slapping her silly, I was already not sure I would go through with it, but I promised myself if there was no other incidents, I’d go through with it. But, the hair was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
***I don’t know what this woman was asked to do, but she probably can’t do it anymore. I also think think that she is feeling some resentment or other negative feelings because she could have called, or spoke with you face-to-face. Take a moment to think about what you have asked or said to her previously and you may figure out what really happened. I hope everything else works out for your wedding, as long as your Fiance and the officiant show up, it can go as planned!***
Post # 10
Member
23 posts
Newbee
Ugh I’m sorry this happened! I’m the type of person that would take it to heart too, but you know what, fate has it’s way of making everything work out. *hug!
My advice is to not ask your Fiance to drop someone because I think it would cause drama, and to promote one of your bridesmaids to Maid/Matron of Honor and thennnn tell the rest of your bridal party. Maybe fate is trying to tell you that there’s someone else in your life that you should get closer to with a bride/MOH relationship!
Best of luck! I’m sure everything will work out great!
Post # 11
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Thank you everyone for your replies. I wanted to check in earlier but I knew the overwhelming support would just put me over. I realized as soon as I let the idea of asking Fiance to drop one of his groomsmen that that was a horrible idea. Caught up in the moment, I know I would never truly have the heart to do that to him or his friend. No, she didn’t say why. I took everyones advice and let her know I understood, asked her if there was anything she needed from me, even just someone to talk to…and that I hope that I would still see her at the wedding. Haven’t heard back from her yet :-/ Our wedding is in the fall, so it doesn’t really affect anything other than my ego and feelings. Still very sad, I think mostly because out of everyone I wanted to ask, I was nervous she would decline because of us losing touch for so long. I was over the moon when she accepted and couldn’t wait to start to reconnect with her. Doesn’t change my feelings, I just think I need a little time to heal. One of my flaws is that I can be super sensitive.
bebelicious1 : just wanted to address your comments. I’m sorry all of that happened to you, it really does sound awful, but none of that was the case with my situation. I haven’t asked anything of my BMs. I called and made all the dress appointments for them, I’m paying for hair, nails, jewelry, shoes and make up, my shower/bachelorette party hasn’t even been brought up or discussed so its not that either. And I’m really not the type to insist someone plan something for me. When one of my BMs asked what I wanted to do, I was honest—would love to go to a vineyard and drink wine and eat cheese all day. Something very inexpensive cause I didn’t ask or expect them to spend a lot.
Post # 12
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
You’re friend sucks for doing it via text. Good job on keeping things cool with your reply. Fiance keeps his Groomsmen, and no need to bring mom into it.
dont worry about your not having enough friends, if you need something to say, say your family already sucked up 80% of the guest list, and you opted for family over friends. Guest lists can be cut throat and you’re already taking up the count with 80%. Ive got way more family than Fiance but we still split our count 50/50.
Post # 13
Member
2668 posts
Sugar bee
I’m really sorry that your Maid/Matron of Honor felt she needed to drop out, but if she has a lot going on in her personal life right now at least you can reassure yourself that it isn’t anything you did and I’m sure she would have loved to remain Maid/Matron of Honor if circumstances were different.
I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in – I had a Maid/Matron of Honor and 3 bridesmaids, whilst DH had 3 groomsmen (he couldn’t choose between them for a best man so they split the “duties” between them – one stood next to him during the ceremony, another signed the marriage certificate as a witness and the third sat next to DH during the reception). Our photographer was great at organising everyone so it was aesthetically pleasing and it was hardly noticeable that I had 1 extra (I had both my sisters, one of my SILs and my best friend – all women who are incredibly important to me).
Post # 14
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
You can still reconnect with her! I know it is very disappointing that she is dropping out of the wedding but it is likely nothing personal.
A friend of mine got married a few years ago. Similiar situation – old friend, lost touch, reconnected. I was not in her wedding but was invited to her bachelorette party. I had to drop out of attending the bach and felt really bad about it and did not handle the situation great (just told her sister, the Maid/Matron of Honor and didn’t address my friend directly besides telling her beforehand I might not be able to make it – still paid my share though…). I was going through a really difficult time personally because someone very close to me was struggling with addiction. I also spent half her wedding reception hiding in another room crying over these same personal/family issues. Sufice it to say that my relationship with my friend suffered. In fact I would barely call us friends anymore. She became very cold and I do not blame her being offended but it really had NOTHING to do with her whatsoever. I tried explaining this in detail and apologizing and while she accepted, like I said our friendship has never been the same.
This is all to say that wedding stuff is so dramatic (I can only imagine). But you have the rest of your life to cultivate a friendship with this person. A little understanding can go a long way and I am sure she would appreciate this not being held against her :(.
Also sorry you have to deal with this! Your wedding should be a happy time with all your friends and family supporting you 100%, but sometimes life gets in the way.
Post # 15
Member
911 posts
Busy bee
anongoldenbee : this story seems similar to something I recently read, but you want to stay anonymous so I’ll just say I know this is for the better and now there’s been a huge weight lifted off your chest. In the meantime can we do anything to make you feel better? Maybe a bee will step in to be in your WP😉