(Closed) MOH fallout- ending friendship-kinda long

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow. That is a bit ridiculous that she can put her body in jeopardy for the final four and not her best friend. Granted, I would not expect her to make the shower…but to say she can’t come because she needs to stay healthy for the baby and then go see a basketball game??? That’s weird. And not cool.

I get that she’s going through a hard time with the pregnancy, the miscarriage, in vitro, and her marriage is probabl strained from all of that but…that does not excuse blatantly hypocritical behavior.

Plus her “apology”…really a non-apology…is totally passive aggressive.

I’m sorry. I don’t really have advice – I’m just outraged for you!

Post # 4
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am sorry you are going through this. I can see both sides of this. I don’t really think she is being difficult on purpose. I think she is very worried about conceiving and also about pleasing her husband. Nothing against you, but I think it was good for her to get out with her husband, so they could get away from thinking about babies. She has offered you a way out because she probably can’t take much more right now. I know you are stressed too, but if you decide to have children, you will have a better understanding of what she is going through. It seems to be, from what you have said, that she is trying to be there for you. She is just going through a lot right now. As for the game that was planned a year in advance, I am sure she was going to try to do both and had to make a very hard choice. What would you have done in the same situation? Would you have spent time with your husband to try to heal the heartache of losing a child? Or, would you have gone to your best friends to party, while your husband stayed home to deal with the situation by himself? You are right, she should have been more honest with you, but she probably felt very guilty and torn about the whole situation.

Post # 5
494 posts
Helper bee

I dont know what to say. I think that the basketball game was probably something she felt obligated to because it was for her and her husband. Generally after surgery you can not fly long distances for 4-6wks due to risk of a blood clot. If she is on the east coast and the final four was in Indy she really didnt have a long flight like if she would have flown from the east coast to the west coast. Maybe that played a part in her decision.

I think that she is trying to be there for you but she is just going through a lot right now. Pregnancy and miscarriage can be very emotionally taxing. If I were you I would think about the friendship as a whole. Is she normally flaky and selfish or is this the first time you felt she acted this way. I would say if this is not the norm for her then you should give her a break. If she is normally selfish in the friendship then you probably should have ended it long ago. But from the information you have given us, it sounds like she made a hard decision to go to the final four with her hubby and didnt tell you because she knew it would upset you. 

Post # 7
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you have a right to be upset (and saddened) at this point. You sound like you’ve been very understanding with her “I can, then I can’t, then I can, then I can’t” behavior and then to find out she felt she couldn’t fly for your shower… but it was ok to fly to go to the Final Four? No. I’m sorry – that’s RIDICULOUS. Ridiculous, and just down right unacceptable. I would be horrified if one of my friends, much less my Maid/Matron of Honor pulled a stunt like that (and In My Humble Opinion that’s what it is – a stunt) and then lied by omission. She seems to be 100% focused on her needs and ONLY her needs. It sounds like you were there for her when she needed you (and you continue to be), but she seems to think that friendships are take take take ALL THE TIME (they are sometimes, but then they are give give give sometimes too). I hope things get better for you – I don’t have any real advice for you but can at least provide re-assurance that it’s not you who is being unreasonable here. She sounds like she’s being super passive aggressive and trying to force blame on you for her actions with the whole ‘not inviting her to the wedding’ or ‘ending the friendship’ silliness. I’d just leave things the way they are and see if she comes around. You really can’t force her to grow up and act like an adult (I understand she’s hurting but life goes on and she needs to be there for you now too). I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Hopefully you have a good support system (mother, sisters, other friends) who can help you through this crucial time in your wedding planning. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way!!

Best Wishes,


Post # 8
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Im sorry about this..I can understand her because trying to conceive and losing a child is very hard on most women. However, i dont understand why she brought up ending your friendship. It could either be that she wants a way out of the obligation from the wedding because of the physical and emotional strains she’s going through or she’s breaking up with you. Im sorry to be so honest, but as we get older we change, our situations change. I have been friends with this girl for YEARS and we barely talk now. After i moved our friendship changed..and we’ve had periods where we would not even talk. I hated it but at times it was easier to tell her that i didnt want to be her friend. and i did. Recently we have been talking again, after a huge fall out because of politics! Im sorry if it doesnt make sense at all… I would not give up on her though.

I hope all gets figured out for you two. It sucks losing such a dear friend.

Post # 10
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry :(. I would give it a few days & then call her. Let her know you still would love her to come to your wedding (that is, if you would). & if you mean it, let her know you understand that she couldn’t make the shower, you’ll love seeing her at the wedding. Keep it light, even dicussing the shower situation may stress her. I know it seems odd just talking can stress you out, but it can. I recently had an stress ulcer & when I got stressed, my stomach HURT even if it was working things out with Fiance after an arguement. I was super careful & had to avoid some people/convos.

Showers to most people aren’t a huge deal, to the bride they are, but not always others. My shower is in a week & some people in town can’t make it, its fine. I’m sure if it was your wedding instead of your shower, she woulda made it. 

A miscarriage is a HUGE deal to the almost mom. One of my close friends had one about a year ago (& she just recently had a healthy baby girl) & it really hurt her. Not to disregard your feelings at all, but she probably feels hurt, confused, wondered if something was wrong with her, had doubts, plus her husband was probably there the most for her & they needed that escape to the game. They probably saw it as something VERY important to them. Not that your shower was any less important. She probably said things she didn’t mean, she was so emotional & she may not even feel she was out of line.

My Fiance likes basketball, it drives me crazy. I will one day try to get him tickets to a game & go with him (when we have the money) & it will mean the world to him that I came with him. In tough times, sometimes 1 “fun” thing can change everything & make things go from bad to good.

On your side, I see how you were hurt. I don’t think you were wrong for feeling hurt, it would sound wierd to me if a friend said she couldn’t fly, but flew to somewhere else.

Sorry this is so long :(. But I really hope you & your friend resolve this!

Post # 11
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Ok I musta been writing my response when everyone else replied. My comp froze & took forever to post it on here. 😛

You two sound like you’re on opposite levels. You said you are full of joy & she is probably full of sadness. That’s tough. I don’t think you should be blamed for anything or feel guilty at all. I’d just say give it time & see how things work out.

Good luck!

Post # 12
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I could actually see her not going to the shower, and lying, and going to the final four.  (I mean did she or her husband go to Butler or Duke or something?  That’s big.)  Well, seriously, I could see in her state being kind of selfish, and feeling really exhausted at the thought of putting on a happy face when she absolutely isn’t in the right frame of mind to do that.  And getting a chance to do something that has nothing to do with blissful married life (of which babies are a part) is probably what she needs. 

And it doesn’t look good to lie, but what was she going to say, “Hey I can’t make it because we’re going to the final four.”?  It was probably just too hard to face your shower, and didn’t know how to tell you.   Maybe before all of this, she was happy to get out of the final four to go to your shower.  Now with the miscarriage, maybe a basketball game looked pleasantly benign enough for her.

However, I can’t blame you for a general feeling of you putting way more into your friendship than she has over the years.  She does seem to be self centered in general.  It sucks when we do more for our friends and they don’t reciprocate.  I would be hurt too.  I would try to get back to her when you’re both calm.  Tell her you still would like to have her in the wedding, if she’s still feeling up to it.  But no hard feelings if she isn’t.    Try to smooth things over.  But I would leave a lot in her court.  My guess is it will be hard to maintain the friendship if she doesn’t start putting more into it.  Particularly since you will be getting married, and you’re so far away from each other.  Lots of things change when you get married and start a family.  And if this is how she’s reacting now, how will she react if you are able to get pregnant easily, or have kids before her?

Post # 13
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

So sorry you are in the middle of this frustrating situation when it should be happy wedding planning time. I think you’ve been a very supportive friend. If the situation happened to me, I would also be upset if I found out she went to a final four game when she was using not flying/resting as a reason to not come out west. However, maybe she’s in another emotional state that just clouded her judgement.

I think a period apart to calm down is a good idea. Maybe write her a letter/card to let her know you still think of her as a close friend but understand she’s going through lots. When she’s ready to contact you, you’ll be there for her. And leave it up to her. Maintaining a friendship requires work from both sides and she needs to be more thoughtful about you too.

Post # 15
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

I am very sorry that it appears that your friend cannot provide you with support right now.  You seem like such a compassionate, thoughtful friend.  I hope that you can put this all behind you, regardless of whether or not she is able to attend your wedding/be “there” for you.  Have a wonderful wedding day!!!!  🙂

Post # 16
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Is she back on fertility medication? If so, that could be cause for her emotions. Also, having a miscarrige and just the IVF process can be very taxing, both physically and emotionally. They can make a person crazy momentarily. Also, she’s not just dealing with the loss of a child, but the potential reality that she may never be able to carry a baby to term, you know. Big stuff. That’s not to excuse her thoughtless behavior because it’s crappy when someone hurts your feelings, but really she just may not be in an emotional/physical position to be as thoughtful as she should.

I think it’s great that you are giving it some time, and are so hopeful about the future. She is luck to have such a good friend!

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