- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2016
I’ve posted a couple times now as shit is hitting the fan with my sister’s upcoming marriage. The wedding is 3 months away and i’m supposed to be the Maid/Matron of Honor. This time I’m posting asking for straight up advice on what actions I can take and where I (and my parents) fit into all this. Here’s a timeline to explain:
~2 years ago: sister gives her boyfriend an ultimatum and they get engaged
past 2 years: A lot about their relationship and him is questionable (depression, legal problems, seems to not want to give up worrying only about himself- she’s 30s and he’s 40s so he’s used to bachelor life) but if she’s happy I felt fine with it. my totally-not-rich parents agreed to give her $10k for the wedding. as it approaches we all have our doubts.
this Monday: she tells me due to him not seeming to care enough about her, their dead sex life, his 4x a day weed smoking, and a comment he made that all guys think about other girls during sex she is 99.9% calling off the wedding. she met another guy, finds him incredibly hot and has been spending time and talking with him nonstop.
later that day/next day: she talked to her Fiance and didn’t break up. he said he was drunk when he said that so sorry it was wrong. she admits that doesn’t explain it. she will have to wait and see now she said, she is too overwhelmed. she said she is 80% sure she does want to get married.
yesterday: she admits that not only is she getting weirdly close to this other guy, but she actually hooked up with a different guy about 2 months ago. made a lot of excuses for both her behavior and the various things her Fiance does. monogamy’s not natural, etc. while why are you getting married then I asked. said they want to get married to have kids, and that things would be different then. i reminded her ppl don’t change and would she marry him tmrw for the exact person he is today. couldn’t really answer. i asked her if it means anything to her that she’s interested in other guys like does that tell her something, but she deflected by making it not that big a deal, oh they’re not married yet, they agreed if the other cheated it wouldn’t be the end of the relationship.
this morning: texts me they met out last night, he was nice, he wanted to make sure she got home safe and was being very attentive so that tells her he does care about her. ‘she wants to go back to fun wedding mode now’ and sends me emails about the bachelorete.
ugh!! my concerns are this:
my parents: we are a close family, and even though she told me don’t tell mom and dad, i told my mom. (she has sold out my secrets plenty of times.) sister already told mom about the excessive weed smoking (1st thing in the morning before work? really?), recent fighting, and the new male friend anyway. my mom is going to try and approach her with these things being like are you sure everything is ok? she said this before though and sister was like ‘yeah everything’s fine!’. however, my mom was never into this marriage at all, and now knowing all this she’s REALLY not into it and doesn’t want to pay for it. they have a history of being too giving and of her being too ready to take advantage. my parents were already very concerned about this and have been dreading attending the wedding prior to this week, so now it’s over the top. mom says she doesn’t want to be a part of it but i know my dad’s like it’s your daughter you have to. meanwhile my dad is concerned/angry, etc. mom doesn’t want to pay and honestly i don’t want to see her pay. it’s a ridiculous amount of money for them, esp since both my sister and her fiance make way more money than my parents, and his family is plain rich. (my mom doesn’t even work right now and is on disability!)
me being Maid/Matron of Honor: when i think about giving a speech about how great they are together i gag. it feels fake to me. i don’t want to ruin our relationship over this, but i feel very fake to stand up in this wedding. it is her life but i personally would like to wash my hands of my involvement in their relationship and wedding, which seems like a bunch of bullshit. i’m concerned about imposing my own values on her, to each their own, right? at the same time i just don’t have any faith in this union, and they’ve got such an elaborate fancy (expensive) wedding planned it just seems like a big joke to me. i feel bad feeling this way but i just can’t help it now. i don’t want to use what she confided in me against her, but i am a person too with my own feelings. at the same time, it’s my sister so am i obligated to literally stand by her in all this?
so now what? She wants to have the wedding again now, but i feel like i know too much to be on board with it. i’m supposed to be moh but it doesn’t feel genuine. i also seriously care about her and don’t want her to make a big mistake, esp if it’s leading to children! i’ve also got my parents to think about, and i don’t want this to become this huge horrible thing but it sort of already is. ugh help bees!!!