Post # 1
My boyfriend of 4 years finally propsed in January. Also in January my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. We decided to plan a wedding for this summer. I asked my best friend of 15 years to be my Maid/Matron of Honor along with my sister.
My fiance and I really wanted a small destination wedding to take a lot of stress off our families. This is where the Maid/Matron of Honor trouble begins. One Saturday night she started IMing me we were talking about a destination wedding. She started to call me selfish, that my mom was too sick to do it. At this point, we were still looking into it, nothing was decided, nor would it be until I managed to get home again (we live in different states) to see how my mother was doing. She started in on how she was a nurse and she knew all this stuff and my mom was just going to get sicker and sicker and, without her saying it, die. I asked her to stop several times as I was still coping with the diagnosis and the fact that I was too far away to help my family. She did not stop. I signed off and spent the rest of the weekend hysterical about my mother. I did not speak to her again for two months.
I was able to get home in April. My mom was very ill, so my fiance and I decided to plan a small wedding close to my parents home. I made an effort to patch things up with the Maid/Matron of Honor and she said she still wanted in. My sister and I investigated locations, found one and set a date. Two weeks later the venue owner decided to cancel our wedding because she didn’t like our choice of caterer. She honestly said “Your wedding just isn’t worth it.” She was awful about it and after she sent several emails berating me and the caterer, we decided we’d find another location. In the mean time my Maid/Matron of Honor had taken the day off from work to be there and ordered the dress.
My future Mother-In-Law scoped out a location for us. When I was up in May we booked the location for July. We had to change the date due to the availability of the new venue. We’re also trying to stick to a small budget because my mother’s treatments are expensive and I don’t want her spending all her savings on my wedding. We got to the point were we cut all extended family, most family friends and have only a few of our friends on the guest list. I sent out the “Save the Dates” and immediately got a call from the Maid/Matron of Honor asking if she could bring a date. She’s been seeing this guy since last fall. They do not live together and last I knew were broken up. I told her that we just didn’t have the budget to allow us to invite dates. We were cutting family to keep costs down. First she tried to guilt me, sayign she already had to take the original date off of work and the boyfriend was moving across the country the week after the wedding. Then she told me I needed to rearrange some numbers to include him. When I told her it just wasn’t possible, she told me I was being s**tty. I told her I wasn’t going to discuss it any further. What I didn’t tell her is that this is an intamate family wedding and I don’t want people I don’t know to be there.
After not getting anywhere with me, the Maid/Matron of Honor emailed my sister. A note on my sis: She is acting as the wedding planner because I’m so far away. She has done EVERYTHING, the Maid/Matron of Honor has done NOTHING. When my sis asked the Maid/Matron of Honor to plan (not pay for, just plan) the bachelorette party, she reponsed “yeah right”. My sis and Mother-In-Law are hosting the shower and making all the arrangements. I’ve only asked that they let me pick the big stuff. So I’m definately not asking a lot of the Maid/Matron of Honor or being Bridezilla. Anyway, she emailed my sis about bringing the date, trying to get him invited. My sis responded with the same reason I gave her, we’re cutting family to keep this small and in budget. The MOH’s response was to accuse me of not wanting her to have a date. She went to far as to say she was only doing this to please my mom, I’m being ridiculous, she’ll go to the wedding but then she’s done with me.
I’ve never seen such a negative side of her and we’ve been friends since we were 13. My mother is extremely upset by her behavior. My sister is beyond livid. I don’t even want the Maid/Matron of Honor to attend the wedding any longer. What should I do?
Post # 3
I would call her and say that with the wedding, trying to accomodate your mom, dealing with her illness, you need more support from her (and less boat rocking). If she’s unable to give you the support you need at this difficult time and accept the decisions that you are being forced to make in the wedding because of circumstances outside your control, she is more than welcome to step down.
Post # 4
Holy cow – your Maid/Matron of Honor is being totally unreasonable, but perhaps she doesn’t know all the details. Are any of your other guests bringing dates (like your sister, or your groom’s best man, etc)? Maybe she thinks you’re snubbing her and doesn’t understand that you’re having a very intimate small wedding.
Since you’ve been friends forever, I would try to talk to her again. Just explain how intimate your wedding is and how small it will be. Maybe explain how an extra person ups the cost by x-amount because of all the extras you will have to provide for that one person. Let her know that you’re truly sorry her boyfriend cannot be invited, but you really hope she won’t let that interfere with your friendship or your wedding.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you and your friend can work this out! I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 5
First, I’m so sorry that you are going through this and about your mother and she and your entire family are in myt thoughts and prayers.
Moving on to your MOH- I had a similar situation (tho, admittedly not as bad as yours) with the girl that was my Maid/Matron of Honor, she ended up putting me through hell when very little was asked of her. In the end I realized that our relationship had turned toxic and that I couldn’t allow her at my wedding or in my life anymore. It turned out to be a blessing and I think that had I allowed her to be involved in my day she would have brought me down.
I think that the same thing could be said for your relationship with your Maid/Matron of Honor. Her behavior is beyond unforgivable with her comments about your mother but you forgave her and kudos to you for being the bigger person. As for the date thing, I think she is being immature and selfish. . While it’s true that the bridal party is usually allowed to bring a date, it’s ultimately up to the bride and groom and you have made a decision about that. She is suppose to be there for you the day of the wedding, not worrying about a date, which if he doesn’t know anyone she will be trying to entertain him all night. I would stick to your guns and not allow her to bring anyone. If she continues treating you so negatively and being so mean I think that perhaps you should cut off contact with her. Maybe you can repair your relationship down the road but right now you don’t need that kind of stress on top of what you are already dealing with, especially when this is suppose to be an extremely happy time for you and your Fiance.
Good luck with everything and I hope it turns out for the best!
Post # 6
How horrible! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. One of my oldest friend’s went through something similar with her “best” friend. None of it made any sense but I the likely cause was jealousy – she desperately wanted to get married, but at the time had major problems with her relationship. I don’t think she could stand seeing someone else happy. It’s really sad! The other girl pretty much took herself out of the wedding and she was the Maid/Matron of Honor.
Honestly though, I think having her not there made it easier – who wants someone like that to be part of your life? If she “forced” herself to go, then my friend would have had a harder time in the future with her and will always be plagued with pictures of her.
My suggestion is to take her out of the wedding. Her behavior is totally unacceptable. She has no consideration for anyone else and sounds like a horribly bitter person. Plus, she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to continue your friendship.
I honestly think she’s made it a lot easier for you to cut her out. Sometimes it’s hard to let go, especailly if you’ve known each other for years … but at this point in your life, you have so many other people to put your time into, people that truly care for you and will be happy for you. Just let her go and move on.
Post # 7
Oh wow, she sounds horrible! I know there are 2 sides to every story but I can’t imagine how she could justify herself in her version. I can’t blame you for not wanting her there. I’d ask her to meet with me, so I could tell her how I feel. And give her a chance to express herself, maybe she’s going through something too, that you don’t know about. You’re going through so many things, you need an understanding, supportive friend. Not one who chooses to be selfish and self absorbed. If she’s not receptive, if she doesn’t acknowledge what she’s been doing wrong, you may want to avoid further headache and ask her to not attend. I hope it doesn’t come to that, it’d be a shame to end such a long friendship.
Post # 8
I would just ask her to step down – your sister sounds like a much more supportive Maid/Matron of Honor anyways.
Post # 9
What kind a friend would treat you this way when your mother is sick and you are planning your wedding? I would let her know in no uncertain terms that her attitude has shown that she is no kind of friend, as she has offered no support and has just acted selfishly. Then tell her that not only is she no longer Maid/Matron of Honor, but she is no longer invited to the wedding. The nerve!
Post # 10
First of all, so sorry about your mom’s illness, I hope things will get better for her.
Second of all, sadly, it seems that true emotions come out at weddings and you seem to see who your real friends are. Maybe your friend is scared that your marriage will take your time away from her and that is why she is acting so crazily? Or she is just jealous?
With the way she has already been acting I would just tell her she is causing too much drama in an alrady stressful situation and that she will no longer be Maid/Matron of Honor but is more than welcome to attend the wedding, ALONE.
Post # 11
I’d kindly let her know that her help with the wedding will no longer be needed. Sounds like she really doesn’t take the role seriously at all.
Post # 12
I agree with most of the bees. Kindly ask her to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor. Have your sister as Maid/Matron of Honor. Disinvite your friend from your wedding — and life. She can go spend time w/ her bf. You don’t need that negativity on your wedding day — and life.
Post # 13
Wow. Wow. Wow. I can’t believe she’s acting like this, esepcially with you dealing with your sick mom. I kind of feel like the pp’s who say you should just ask her to step down. If she is going to whine that she’s done with you after the wedding and hasn’t lifted a finger, what makes her think that you really need her that much AT the wedding itself?
But I’m intriqued by the part where you say you’ve never seen this negative side before. I would consider calmly talking to her and seeing what’s up. Like pp said, maybe she’s jealous. (I’m thinking about the part where she said you just don’t want her to have a date.) Maybe she’s shaken by your mom’s illness too? BUt Iwould let her know how you’ve been feeling because of her behavior. And if she is jealous, well that’s kind of a natural response. But she needs to suck it up because one day she’ll get married, and it would suck if she alienated all her friends and had no one left.
Good luck with your mom.
Post # 14
maybe for some reason she is uncomfortable going with out a date. do you think this is the case? if so maybe you should give her a graceful out.. I mean I know she is a good friend of yours but maybe all that you are going through with your mom is even more stress than she can handle. I would just explain her… “I’m sorry that I cannot allow you to bring a date. I wish that we could invite more friends and family” Tell her you would really like to have here there to support you but it’s just not possible and ask her if she would rather not go.. or maybe you can work something out with her and see if she wants to spring for some of the extra costs that would accumulate because she is brining a date? Idk.. but she has been your friend for a very long time.. I would lay out the situation on the table, and just say this is how it is.. and ask her what her ideas are..
Post # 15
I’m not sure how much a final heart to heart with the Maid/Matron of Honor is going to do. It seems like you’ve tried on numerous occasions to explain your positions and reasoning while Maid/Matron of Honor is hellbent on acting like a total b!t$h. Sorry to refer to your Maid/Matron of Honor as that but any friend who would have the audacity to talk trash about your sick mother even after you tell her to shut up is a vindictive and cruel person. Period.
Take a few days to think about the whole situation so you can really decide whether or not having Maid/Matron of Honor in the wedding is worth it. Remember that by asking her to step down you’re also ending your friendship as well. With MOH’s ridiculous behavior you may not miss her too much if she’s out of your life. You have a lot on your plate right now and the last thing you need to do is deal with unnecessary drama. It’s just surprising how even after all of these years she’d start acting this way during a time when you need her support the most.
Post # 16
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.
My mother is doing much better now that she’s finished radiation. She is much stronger and spent the whole day out with me checking out the venue and shopping.
I thought about it all night and discussed it with my fiancé. I’ve decided that she is not a good friend, or a friend at all for that matter. I took quotes from the abusive email she sent my sister and told her I was sorry that she felt that way. I told her it would be best for her not be in or to attend the wedding. I hoped she wouldn’t regret destroying a 15 yr friendship for one extra night with him. I sent it in an email, which I don’t like to do, but felt that is was better then having her become abusive on the phone, which has become the norm lately.
@Adira: She does know all the circumstances. I’ve talked with her about it several times. Budget concerns were part of the reason we were looking into a small destination wedding in the first place. As for being fair about guests, my sister’s bringing her fiancé, the best man is bringing his live in girlfriend and they’re coming from AZ. Every other couple invited is engaged or married and we know both parts of the couple. My MOH’s comment to me was that she was sick of my BS.
@ FurtureMrsTal: I agree that our relationship has turned toxic. It may be best to remove her from my life.
@Soon2bBB: I don’t know if she’s jealous. She was married and I did everything she asked for her wedding. But maybe she thinks that didn’t count because it was very small and didn’t last.
@ Tanya123: I have seen her get mad at others before, mostly parents as teenagers, but nothing like this. Usually we have disagreements, calm down, then move past them. This time when I tried to talk to her she spun it to sound like I was out to ruin her life. She was going to work all night the night before the wedding just so she could spend time with Mr. Right Now, which means she’d be exhausted throughout the whole wedding.
@bride0625: She knows my whole family and is very outgoing anyway, I don’t think it’s because she doesn’t want to go without a date. I’ve tried to lay out the situation and she’s told me that I have to “rearrange some numbers” then resorted to cursing at me. Another part of the reason I don’t want him there is that I don’t know him and I would prefer knowing everyone at the wedding considering it is so small.