Member@tierneydale: I’d fire her as Maid/Matron of Honor. Your Maid/Matron of Honor is supposed to stand up for you and for him at the wedding. She’s supposed to be one of the most fervent supporters of your marriage! I’d eliminate her from the equation, she sounds unpleasant. I know you’ve been friends with her for a long time, but she’s making it seem as if she doesn’t want to be a part of the wedding.
MemberTo be honest, it was issues like this that made me change my mind on asking one of my close friends a long time ago. My Fiance has made every effort to be friends, even paying for him completely at dinner the first night they met, and my friend has always been sarcastic and rude to him.
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if she truly says this crap to your face and means it then i would say ‘the honour of being Maid/Matron of Honor is that you stand by while i make the most important decision of my life. i need to feel love and support on that day and to have a friend who is cheering for me in life and my marriage. you’re not able to do that for me, so i think it’s best that you no longer be my moh’
MemberI feel like we’re missing something here. There has to be a reason she doesn’t like him. I’m surprised to hear he texts her. Maybe she finds this weird/uncomfortable? I’d sit her down in person and have a heart-to-heart. There’s really no other way to get to the bottom of this. If she really doesn’t want to be your friend any more, then that’s really sad. But you can’t force her to be your friend. It takes both people trying to make friendships endure through the years. Hopefully, you can talk things out with her. I definitely wouldn’t let my best friend go without a fight. (An in-person fight, mind you. You really shouldn’t be talking about this stuff over the phone or by text/e-mail). If she is serious about ending your friendship, then she should absolutely not be your Maid/Matron of Honor and should not even come to the wedding.
MemberI’m sorry, but from the way you’ve stated this, I see no reason to have her in your wedding or even AT your wedding. In my world, her words have uninvited herself ( I know that sentence makes no sense, but whatevs).
I’m so sorry if this was a close friend and if you are hurt by this. I expect you will be. But honestly, from the way you’ve written this, she doesn’t deserve a tear.
ETA: I have a very dear frind whose husband I absolutely can’t stand. I have gone to all lengths to make sure my friend never knows how much I dislike him and I will continue to until my friend finally realizes her mistake (he’s not abusive or anything horrible like that. Just a very unlikeable guy). I will be her friend until the day I die, no matter what jackass she decides to marry.
MemberCut her out. I actually lost my “best friend” over my Fiance. She didn’t have anything specific against him – she claimed she liked him – but she was seriously against my dating him from the start. Overanalyzing why would give me a headache, but I think she wanted us to remain single girls forever (or until she was ready for us to no longer be single.)
It was a long, drawn out, ugly friendship death that ended when she found out she wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t want anyone standing up for me who wasn’t supportive of our relationship. I don’t think that was unreasonable, she felt it was, that ended the friendship. It was sad, but in many ways, an enormous relief. I’m very happy now.
MemberSo, I have a slightly different perspective than most of the other respondants, in that I have been in your MOH’s shoes. A very dear friend of many, many years, someone I had gone to high school and college with and even lived with for years, someone my parents looked on as another child, and someone with whom I had always joked we would be each other’s wedding attendent, eventually entered a serious relationship with a truly manipulative person.
The SO in question hated me from the moment we met- the very first time we were alone, they made bizarre remarks that I can only describe as “territorial” and it went downhill from there. I truly tried to learn to see this person in a good light, but their treatment towards me in private only got worse.
But in public, the SO was all smiles, goodwill, and friendliness towards me. In situations where were alone at intervals, I would get psychological whiplash from the back and forth of the treatment- from really awful cutting remarks in private to offers of cookies and invitations to group events when others were in earshot, no exaggeration. Mutual friends also reported the SO making borderline inappropriate comments about me, feeling them out for willingness to gossip about me, but only when they were alone together, never when my best friend was around.
I’m pretty sure towards the end of the time we knew each other, an outside observer would have assumed that I was a crazy bitch and the SO was a poor benighted innocent who was trying so hard to break through my crusty exterior, but no. I was just exhausted and angry from so much hostility and unpredictability. Seriously, I would have loved to like this person- even just to be able to be civil towards them. It would have been worth it to remain on at least friendly terms with my best friend of so many years.
Ultimately, I had to cut them both out of my life. It was too awful and emotionally draining being around the SO, and of course attempts to tell my friend about the way their love was acting in private were not well received. My best friend refused to believe that this person could possibly be saying or doing any of the things that were happening, and so I stopped reporting them and just started to withdraw. I even tried a period of simply tolerating the SO without response in order to see my friend, but the obvious coldness from my side towards the person they loved was too damaging to the original friendship.
They married not long after we cut ties, and a mutual friend who replaced me in the wedding party as honor attendendent reported that immediately after I left the circle, the SO began the same bizarre private/public face treatment towards her. They have since moved far away and my best friend maintains almost no contact with anyone from our previous life. From what I’ve heard, they are not very happy. It’s been many years and it still makes me sad; hardly a day goes by that I don’t miss that friendship, although I don’t regret my decision to withdraw from it (and I never would have agreed to be in their wedding; I could not have honestly supported them in the way the wedding party should).
I say all this to say: people can be very different in one setting than another. Try asking your friend- calmly and without judgement- why she feels this way about your fiance. You may not like what she has to say- and it may not be important to you, it may be things that bother her but are fine with you. Some people truly just don’t get alone, despite having similar interests and both being good people. And it might be that the two of you are at the natural end of your friendship and your differening taste in companions has highlighted that for her.
But it could also be that there’s something legitimately bothering her, and she doesn’t know how to tell you. If she’s a good friend whose judgement you trust, and not just someone you’ve known a long time, listen to her. Before you write her off as a friend, give her a chance to tell you what has driven her away. It might save you a lot of heartache.
Member@tierneydale: You know, some people just don’t jive…and its no one’s fault. There are a ton of people, dating or married to people that I love and care about who I think, are morons…and I honestly do not like them.
BUT, because I am a grown up, and I do care about my friends and their happiness, I’m not so deluded and self centered that I can’t put aside my contempt for a man who has to talk the entire meal through…or a man that misuses words and expressions constantly, or eats like a pig at a trough….just so we can all be together and enjoy our time.
For the most part, I just hang with my girlfriends, but in the case that the men are coming along, I order a cocktail…then another, I smile, I laugh when I’m supposed to and we go home…THAT’S IT…
Cost of doing business, tell your friend if she wants to play in the big leagues, she’d better grow the hell up first.
MemberDid he perhaps do something or say something to her at the beginning of your relationship that rubbed her the wrong way and she just can’t get past it? I find it hard to believe that anyone over high-school age can honestly just not like someone for no reason. If she really just doesn’t like him (which is very immature) then tell her she is no longer needed as your Maid/Matron of Honor. You don’t need someone that immature and non-supportive standing next to you, looking/acting bitchy all day
MemberI don’t want to be that person who’s like “Oh my Fiance would NEVER do that” (even though, of course, I know he wouldn’t), because even the spouses of abusive partners say the same thing, so no one would believe me anyway.
But let me just clarify… I had to move out of state for work, which is where I met my Fiance. The ONLY times he has ever been with my Maid/Matron of Honor in person was when I was there with them. There has literally been no way for them to be around each other without me present.
Also, hating someone is actually very in line with my MOH’s character. There are a lot of people in her life that she just does not “get along” with, for no reason. I just never thought it would be my fiance that she hated for no reason. I’m also just surprised that she wouldn’t just suck it up and put on a nice face for the sake of our friendship.
I asked her and asked her and asked her why she didn’t like him, and she didn’t offer anything other than “there’s no reason to. We just don’t get along.” I feel like, if something terrible was going on, then she would also have an obligation to tell me. She’s told me stuff like that before, so I can’t imagine she wouldn’t tell me now. Or, more accurately, I couldn’t imagine why she wouldn’t have told me MONTHS ago, before we even got engaged.
Member@tierneydale: I couldn’t continue a friendship with someone like her. And honestly, not knowing someone doesn’t mean you just hate them. That makes no sense and is really immature. I hope you do what is best for you!
MemberI have several friends who’ve married people who really make me scratch my head and wonder what they see, but if they make my friends happy and they aren’t malevolent people, I suck it up and am nice to them. Life involves a lot of people who aren’t ones cup of tea.
It sucks that your friend is drawing the line in the sand here. Here’s hoping she comes to her senses enough to preserve your friendship, even if she’s never likely to jump at double dates.
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MemberIt sounds to me like she’s not willing to stand up for your marriage. Are you sure she wants to be MOH? Are you sure you even want her to be MOH?
I’m not sure if she’s just a “difficult” person, or if she’s single and terribly jealous. But unless she can be supportive of you, I’d give her the heave-ho.
Member@tierneydale: Im having similar issues with a friend right now. My so has been nothing but nice to her but she continues to be rude to him. She Texted me yesterday accusing my so of blocking her and saying she was crazy on twitter. Not true. She has also wrote him very rude messages. He is patient with her but its getting on his nerves. My thought is that shes lonely. Could that be the case with your friend as well? you dont mention if shes single. My friend is and I was one of her single friends. And I certainly would’ve have this woman stand in your wedding.
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