Post # 1
Hi Bees, I am new here and need a bit of advice..here is some back story:
L and I have been best friends as far as I can remember..we grew up together, went to highschool together, and remained close all through college. As of the last 5 months, L has been in the army. It was a very abrubt and sudden suprise when she told me in November that she would be leaving for Basic..and I am so proud of her! She’s been notorius for changing majors in college (we are both 25) and never settled on one thing, so her choosing a career path like this was awesome, and I tried to be as supporitive as I could.
Here is where I need advice- Just as she graduated Basic my Fiance proposed, so naturally I wrote her a letter and asked if she could be my Maid/Matron of Honor (if it would even be possible) and even offered to pay for the dress as I know she wouldn’t be able to leave her new AIT base for a while…I didn’t care about the price of the dress, as long as she was by my side. She accepted BUT.. ever since she joined the army, she has developed a major “I’m better than you” attitude…especially after I got engaged and we talked about buying a house. I can text her once and a while and sometimes call when she’s on a break, and ever since she got into AIT she talks down to me like I am stupid. The last time I talked to her (last month) I told her what measurements she would need to give me so I could order her dress, then I asked her how her training was going and asked her some questions (combat medic), because it’s pretty interesting to me..and she pretty much talked to me like i was the dumbest person in the world because I didn’t know all her abbreviations and medical terminology (I am a Business major…).
It breaks my heart. We were so close and pretty much did everything together and now she treats me like this. I wrote her letters every week to encourage her through basic and now she treats me like I am not good enough to be friends with her anymore. She never got back to me with measurements, so my question is do I just let it go, not bring it up, and move on without her? Or do I make one last effort?
For the record also, she has been treating another college friend this way, too.
thanks bees 🙂
Post # 4
hmm…I guess I personally would try to get her to understand your perception of how she has changed. And then if she’s not listening, I would just move on. Big hugs to you!
Post # 5
Agree with pengoala. You need to tell her about herself. Real friends should be able to call each other out when one is acting like an a-hole. If she doesn’t listen, don’t waste your energy!
Post # 6
I had the same type of issue with my best friend of 13+ years…it was tough because she and I are at two COMPLETELY different stages in our lives…she’s married, finishing school in a week, talks about having kids and I am living with my boyfriend with 2 years of school left (1 year for major, 18 months for teaching credentials) and I felt like every time I would talk to her, she had a self-righteous attitude about how great her life was compared to mine…it got to a point where I was very passive-aggressive toward her for about 2 months…
Finally it got to a point where I realized that our friendship was too important to just throw away, so I text her one day and decided that we needed to talk and sort out our issues…and we did…it was an incredibly uncomfortable conversation, but we had it and hashed out our issues and differences and we understood each other…it wasn’t easy but it was totally worth it because we’ve been best friends for way too long to let it go down the drain so quickly…
Talk to her and tell her how you feel…let her decide if she wants to end your friendship…obviously you don’t…good luck hun! 🙂
Post # 7
Not to put blame on this but I have seen basic training change people. The sole purpose of it is the mold and prepare people for tragedy in a way and make them very willed with little fear. They constantly talk down to the people in training so it is possible she is acting like she is personally being treated. It’s not right of course and you should point it out or she may not realize she is doing it or feel need to change it. They put you under extreme pressure so she’s got pressure, being molded and prepared for tragedy, and people talking to her like she is dirt they will spit on if she messes up. Based on that I would kind of go lightly into taking to her about it but still be blunt and tell her you don’t know what she is going thru but the tone and attitude since training when she talks has changes and feels very demeaning towards you.
Post # 8
So sorry to hear you’re going through this with a close friend. That really sucks. I agree, of course, with everyone else in that you should try and talk it through with her. That said, I also think sometimes people change and also that their priorities shift. What Otulyssa said rang true to me with friends who have worked in high stress jobs like aid workers overseas, military or the force etc. Their lives become full of different dynamics and however they react to that tends to spread on to people close by. It’s good news (ironically) that it’s not just to you though because you know it’s not personal, even if it feels that way. So maybe try and sort it out and if that doesn’t work, reevaluate who you want with you on the day and if they’ll make you feel loved and great 🙂 You should feel happy on that day, not like you’re being bullied or belittled. Just because she’s in the army doesn’t mean your day isn’t special and great.
Congrats by the way!
Post # 9
This sounds more like a friendship issue, with someone who happens to be involved in your wedding. I’d treat it as such, and try to talk to her about your feelings as a friend without getting the wedding involved in the discussion.
Hopefully you will be able to work things out!
Post # 10
thanks so much everyone for your advice! I am hoping to get ahold of her in the next few days so we can talk things out!
Post # 11
I was just also thinking about this- Another reason I am just so hesitant to talk to her (once again the better than you attitude) is when she sent me her last letter before graduating from Basic about 2 months ago she wrote complaining about her niece that is 21 or 22 ish writing to her for advice pertaining to her long term boyfriend or something of that nature (they were/are also pretty close knit)…and in her letter to me she wrote “I don’t know why Ashli wrote to me about it…Civilian problems are so petty, and honestly, I couldn’t careless, it’s annoying.”
Bleh. Like I said, half of me just wants to throw in the towel and not have her in the bridal party, as she has had more than enough time to send me her measurements for the dress…and I asked Fiance for advice, and he said he wouldn’t buy her the dress only for the facts that I am kind of strapped for cash right now with some big bills, and she clearly isn’t appreciating me buying her the dress with how she is speaking to me, and that he’s afraid she also wouldn’t be able to come home or flake out for the wedding and I’d be stuck with a dress that I MAY be able to sell, but not guaranteed.
Post # 12
I asked Fiance this, since he’s been in the military for 8 years.
First he said that a lot of people change during their first year in the miltary. The upside is that he said she’ll probably grow out of it.
But from my personal view- I’ve had friends do this out of the military. A friend switched majors completely and ALL she wanted to do was patronize and condescend me about these words that I’d never heard. My solution was to just not talk about it with her.
So if your friend is acting like a different person, consider just ignoring it. Seriously, the military isn’t THAT interesting (FI’s words, not mine). There will come a point, where if you don’t ask or bring it up (or change the subject), she’ll start to drop it.