- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011
I really need some advice. My best friend (only of a few years) and Maid/Matron of Honor (one out of two) has been really, really hurting my feelings lately, and especially after sa fallout on the phone, I feel disrespected and unsupported and don’t know which direction to go. I have 7in my bridal party; 5 maids, and 2 MOHs, and she is the ONLY one causing drama. There have been a series of instances that I could account for where she has not only been unsupportive, but downright mean and even unreasonable about her accusations towards me. The first instance all started after I got really fed up with her and her boyfriend CONSTANTLY making fun of projects that Fiance and I were planning / working on for our wedding. It was in the early stages – about a year ahead – but we had to start so early becuase I was going to be moved away for the last six months before the wedding for an intense internship away from home, and I just wanted to get as much done and out of the way before then.
WELL a little reqind – just to be clear, a few months before this (so about 15 months ahead) I met up with all of my bridesmaids, made them a cute planner, and put all of the important dates in there that they would need to remember, along with a list of all the girls’ contact information, the dress information (where / when to buy / the cost ), a list of financial responsiblibilies the girls would need to be aware of (their dress, shoes, etc), and a list of bridesmaids and Maid/Matron of Honor duties and responsibilities for the bride, along with the bride’s responsibilities and duties for her maids. I put a cute pic of each girl and me on the front of each girl’s planner. All 7 of them absolutely loved it – except for one, the Maid/Matron of Honor, I’ll call H. She called me a bridezilla for making the planner. I just thought of it as being extrememly well organized and letting the girls know what I expect of them, so that they know whether or not they can make such a big committment. Well, first she laughed at all the tasks on the list – she didn’t know about paying for the bridal shower, all the planning, and going to vendors and helping me out with every detail. Well, as time went by, no one helped – not her or any other BMs. Only me, and my FI when he could. She did come over (at the 1 year ahead instance I started talking about earlier) when I had been working on Tears of Joy packets. She never offerred to help, just sat down and started watching a movie with her Boyfriend or Best Friend that was also there. When I finally hinted that she should be helping, she did 2 packets (out of 100) and then threw them down, claiming she gave up because it was too difficult. I just let it go, and thought that she wanted to spend time with her Boyfriend or Best Friend. Well, there were many times on the phone when she wanted to hang out, and once in a while I’d be so excited about a wedding project that I’d say something like “Oh! That’s perfect! I have two invitation designs and I want your opinion!” – nothing along the lines of work at all – and she just always replied with “Oh, OR we could just keep it casual and just hang out.” Up until yesterday, she has done not one thing for me that I have asked. Once in a while I’ll send pics out to her and the other Maid/Matron of Honor of cute shoes, etc and asking for their opinions. I usually don’t get her replies back. I have sent countless e-mails to all of my maids (not just her) begging them to please step up, and let me know if they have free dates I could come over to work on things with them. I tried to explain that working 40 hours a week, then going to school at night until 9pm every night, then working on wedding stuff for 2 hours, then studying for 2 hours, was really taking a toll on me. No one stepped up, except for one Bridesmaid or Best Man. But all the others (except H) kept emailing and texting me and saying oh you just pick the when and where and I’ll try to make it, and they were all very supportive. All H could talk to me about was how she had to have a poofier dress than the other Maid/Matron of Honor and how she wanted to stand by me and hold my bouquet at the ceremony and sit by me at the table and give the first speech. The other Maid/Matron of Honor told me to give her all of those things, which was very classy of her (but I didn’t designate anything yet). All BMs were very supportive of my ideas, too. Except H. She kept making fun of all the crafty things I was making (tears of joy packs, petal cones for the ceremony, my own aisle runner, etc). FINALLY I spoke to her and told her how, even though she might not be intending to hurt my feelings, that it really does hurt when she makes fun of something I have worked COUNTLESS hours on (like invites). I also explained how her unsupportive responses, like “Oh yeah, nice” to a project I worked like 20 hours on hand-making, or “I’m not having that at my wedding!” or “I’m not doing that when I get married! No way – I want this!!” in regards to a tropical honeymoon getaway – like I’M THE WEIRD ONE – how annoying that was to me and that I felt like she was trying to make it about her, even though she is not even engaged yet. SO anyways, she was VERY SUPPORTIVE and responded positively. She told me that she was so sorry she hurt my feelings, but just thinks I am getting way too involved with the planning process [uh duh…. I kinda have too bc no one else is going to help me obviously]. She said I need to look at the important things in the wedding and emphasize those things. Well, I held on to her advice and appreciated her positive response, but I know how I wnat my wedding and it’s going to get done that way!!!!
WELL – Last week I started my internship, moved two hours away from my Fiance, 4 hours away from my family, and have been working 12 hour days, studying like CRAZY, and still trying to plan this wedding. So I decided to make a checklist of all the other things that still need to be done for the wedding and decided that I would send the list out to the maids so they could volunterily help on their own time over the next 8 months to take a load off me. Things on the list included things such as buying fabric at JoAnn for me (which I would reimburse), look up purple cocktail recipes online, send me pic ideas of shoes and jewelry, cut ribbons for paper lanterns, etc. NONE of them were hard, except for bridal shower/BP/rehearsal dinner planning – to which I noted that we all should be helping out with those (in my opinion). I was very nice and though the list was long (because I described the purpose and gave description on each thing), I only asked the girls to try and do 1-2 items on the list each over the next 8 months (that’s 14 things on a list of over 30). I even told the girls I would DRIVE the paper projects or other supplies I have already purchased to their place (which EACH live >1 hour away) so they could work on it – because I have so much left to do. I immediately got 2 or three responses back of things that BMs would do and was VERY pleased. They were all supportive, even one friend getting married in June, from which I did not expect help. BUT then last night I FINALLY get a call from H saying on that same day she called bridal shower and rehearsal dinner venues and got info on that and it was very stressful. Then she goes off on me about how RUDE I am to ask my bridesmaids to do so much! She said how dare I knowing that everyone is so busy and that I am being WAY too demanding and that she did not know that being the Maid/Matron of Honor in this wedding would be so “intense” as I “am making it be” (ummm… remember, she has not done ANYTHING yet… I forgot to mention I even ordered and PAID for her dress becuase she didn’t have the money on time). I let her say her peace but then after she started telling me how I am going way overboard on this wedding, how I want all of these things done for yes, my dream wedding, but that I need to start realizing that I am not going to have those things because it is unrealistic – I went off (but in a nice way). SO TYING BOWS IS EFFING UNREALISTIC? HAVING PPL GO TO THE STORE AND BUY ME A TEN DOLLAR ITEM THAT I WILL REIMBURSE THEM FOR IS UNREALISTIC? I am sorry, I am SO PISSED. I have done what I feel is so much BEYOND what any other brides would do for their BMs, including taking them out to a picnic, making them homemade cards, constantly sending e-mails of how thankfufl I am to heave them in my life and in my wedding, and more. I have not asked for anything!!!!! But when I do, I am made to feel like a “bridezilla” and told that I need to give up on my dream wedding because my BMs cannot dedicate such time to me.
My first response was, what did you think you were signing up for? I know I shouldn’ve been more supportive of her opinion, but I just couldn’t. At first I was just SO angry that she STILL didn’t want to dedicate any of her time to helping me – and SECOND – the thing that REALLY pissed me off – was that she degraded my crafting projects, my ideas, and in my opinion, the heart and soul of our future wedding – she said, “Why haven’t you focused your time on more important projectts? Like invitations? That time “we” (I say we becuase SHE didn’t help at all) worked on Tears of Joy Packets – we could’ve been working on invitaitons or something actually important.” THAT pissed me off. So my ideas – my projects which I put hours and hours and hours into are not important?????? OBVIOUSLY they are to me…. so shouldn’t they be to her too? It’s not like I am aksing my maids to fly on a plane to Mexico and pick me up a special bottle of Tequila or something. I am only asking for the simplest things….. which I fricken told them in the beginning I would do!!!!!! I am so angry, my stomach is in knots. How could she possibly feel like I am being intense???? She says she has been in weddings before and it has never been this intense before…. but ok, first of all….. how is it intense when you haven’t done anything except call 5 vendors one day for a price quote after being Maid/Matron of Honor for a YEAR in already!?!?! That’s intense???? Because you haven’t helped me along the lines at any point before this……. And second, she has NOT been in weddings before. She told me SEVERAL times she was a junior Bridesmaid or Best Man about ten eyars ago, and let me know if I am wrong, but I don’t really think 12 year old junior BMs are involved in the planning process and really know what’s going on. Fiance was very upset when I told him, too – he has been very supportive and he and my mom have been the ONLY ones that have physically sat down and helped me do projects, besides one BM I don’t know if she is lazy, or just plain RUDE or just doesn’t get it because she doesn’t know how “intense” a wedding planning process might become. Or maybe she just did not know what was expected of her. Maybe I was not clear enough on that in the beginning. But regardless, I feel that my ideas and efforts and hard work I have put into projects should not be insulted – even if she thinks it is stupid, or not important compared to the necessities. To me, the small things make the big impact. Shouldn’t it matter what I want? Shouldn’t she be by my side and willing to do everything I ask anyways? Shouldn’t she at least be supportive, and at the LEAST if she doesn’t understant why I am asking BMs to help, shouldn’t she just tell me in a nicer more supportive way? Please help me, because I don’t know what to do, Her Boyfriend or Best Friend is the best man, and he is the same way – he thinks anything little in the planning process should be discarded. Fiance has been so supportive and he really doesn’t think I should even have her in the bridal party anymore. But I don’t want to resort to that. Please tell me, how bad is this situation if we cannot see eye to eye? What steps should I take next, or should I do nothing?!?! [Thank you, and I am SOOOO sorry this was soooo long…. drama always is, isn’t it??]