Post # 1
I’ve had so many problems with my maid of honour since the beginning of the planning process. Most recently she has really hurt my feelings with regards to my recent bachelorette party. I wanted to start the dialogue months before on the details, date etc. of the bachelorette and she kept putting it off. This past weekend was my bachelorette and she did a terrible job. She did not get people lined up in time so only a few attended. She didn’t plan a dinner out or anything first and wanted to meet at my place with everyone. I felt like I should “arrive” somewhere on my bachelorette as opposed to having to entertain others in my place (that is bursting with wedding stuff) and worry about snacks and drinks for everyone. When I suggested we go somewhere else she seemed to think that meant meeting at the club. So I got in a cab by myself on my bachelorette and arrived at the club. Just before I got there she said she was heading inside with the others and they would be inside. I was like wtf! I’ll be there in 5 mins. But what can you say. So I went into the club by myself for the bachelorette! I paid my own $15 cover to get in. I found them and there were no typical bachelorette goodies like a fake veil, etc. Nothing. My Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t even buy me a drink all night but she had managed to get enough $ together to purchase a new dress for herself. The other girls bought my drinks. It felt like such an ordinary night – in fact worse because of the expectations for it to be special. They left when they were ready to go and hung out a little longer with another friend who was there. I got in a cab by myself at the end of the night and went home. In a word, it sucked!
Question is I don’t know what to do. I am so hurt by her selfish, inconsiderate behaviour and shocked at it. As far as I know I haven’t done anything to upset her but I keep thinking I must have for such a terrible event. Should I talk to her about it? Ask her if everything is ok because the night wasn’t exactly as one would expect or will I sound like a bridezilla. Her only involvement so far in the wedding has been to pick the bm dresses, co-host the shower with 2 others (and she had to be poked and prodded to get that done!) and attend the tasting at the venue for the meal. I hardly think she has been overworked. Suggestions on how to handle this?
Post # 3
I am sorry to hear that happened to you. The only thing I think you can do is talk with her about the situation and explain that your feelings were hurt by the whole thing. She may not react well, so be prepared for that. But it is better to get it off your chest before you let the feelings fester.
Post # 4
I am sorry you had such a terrible time. If it were me, I would talk to her about it. And if she doesn’t respond well, I would just ask her to step down from her position. From what you have stated, she doesn’t seem like she wants anything to do with your wedding.
Post # 5
I agree with noritake22 about asking her to step down. That is such a crappy situation, and I’m sorry you are faced with this. I know it feels bridezilla like to say that you want your bachelorette party to be special, and everyone to cater to you, but excuse me isn’t that what it’s for?! It’s your wedding, and you deserve those things. Paying a $15 entry fee to a club and getting you a fake veil is NOT expecting too much. I would have been pissed AND hurt. What a let down. 🙁
I would pull your runner up Maid/Matron of Honor to the side and explain how you feel about your current Maid/Matron of Honor failing to perform her duties, and what you expect of the Maid/Matron of Honor and see if she is willing to do the job. Then, take your current Maid/Matron of Honor aside and (very nicely) explain to her that you think you need someone who can provide more, or be present more and tell her that so-and-so can do the job and is more than excited to.
That definitely is a tough situation, and depending on how your Maid/Matron of Honor takes criticizm, it could make things a little sticky. I know you’ll make the right decision. If there’s one thing that I hope you don’t overlook is that it’s your wedding, it’s a time to celebrate, and it IS about YOU.
Good luck! 🙂
Post # 6
Has she been in a wedding party before? Maybe she just didn’t know what was expected of her as MOH?
I think you should definitely talk to her. There’s probably more going on with her than just not wanting to help out with the planning. She might be worried about where your friendship is headed now that you’re getting married – get her to talk about what’s really going on!
Post # 7
It sort of sounds as if she’s never been the Maid/Matron of Honor before and isn’t the most organized when it comes to this kind of stuff. Were you clear to her that you wanted to go out to dinner beforehand. I know you said you didn’t want to provide food and everything before going out, but maybe she took that as, you wanted to arrive on your own instead of the girls coming to pick you up? I see a lot of misunderstandings that could have happened here, and it does stink that you didn’t have a very good time at your bachelorette party. It is over now, and talking to her might put her on the defensive. I wouldn’t ask her to step down unless you’re ready to lose her as a friend. Usually, you can’t ask someone to step down and remain as close as you were before. Having a talk with her might make you feel better, but unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot that can be done now that it’s over.
Post # 8
I guess I felt like I shouldn’t have to spell out how the night should unfold – it’s one of those things where I know I would have rolled out the red carpet for her if she had gotten married first and was surprised she didn’t. In my mind a bachelorette should be properly organized well in advance, a hotel room reserved for the end of the night for all the girls to crash and while maybe not a 5 star dinner but a dinner none the less with a few girly bachelorette accessories like the fake veil. She has been a bm before, never a Maid/Matron of Honor. My mom had to push and push her with the shower and my mom ended up paying for everything for the shower and my Maid/Matron of Honor added some nice finishing touches but to be honest they were the type of things that were nice to haves rather than the essentials of a shower. My mom’s work effectively let her shine where she wanted to. I know money is tight with her, but she should have been honest if she felt the costs associated with the role were too much (which so far have only included the dress for $200 (which I let her pick) and her contribution to the shower). I may have appointed co-maid of honours or just bms or something if i had known the issues. My other bms don’t live near me. I think I will just scale back the things I was going to do for her at the wedding that would have made her feel special – like an extra gift, and some other “honorary” roles she was going to fulfill.
Post # 9
I’m sorry!!! Has she ever been a maid of honor before? Maybe she didn’t know what to do? If she’s never done this kinda thing before I would give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her. Also, is this typical behavior for her? Does she normally slap things together last minute or is she inconsiderate often? If so, you should ask her to step aside. The closer it gets to your wedding date the more involved she’ll need to be. If she’s unreliable and inconsiderate, it’s likely she’s going to do something else like this and stress you out further. I hope you get everything worked out!
Post # 10
Sorry ignore this post – my computer decided to post before I was done typing!
Post # 11
Mine has been very useless as well. Usless enough that I asked my out of town bridesmaid who was DIEING to be Maid/Matron of Honor to be a 2nd Maid/Matron of Honor. She was a Maid/Matron of Honor for a week and planned my entire bachelorette party with all of my bridesmaids with the exception of my other Maid/Matron of Honor because she NEVERRRR responded to her. I knew I should have picked her originally, but at the time I was still close with my first Maid/Matron of Honor and she wasn’t so consumed in her dysfunctional relationship and I was worried about the distance (she is in Atlanta and I am in Pittsburgh). Maid/Matron of Honor 1 doesnt even want to give the speech at the reception, but my 2nd Maid/Matron of Honor is again dieing to. It sucks and I wish I wouldn’t have made the original descision. However my other bridesmaids are aware of the situation and are going to be contacting her a lot to keep up to date and make sure she is doing something for the bridal shower. It just sucks when you Maid/Matron of Honor is the ONLY person who doesn’t respond to any of your messages or calls. I tried giving her the option to step down and just be a bridesmaid because she was lacking any interest in wedding at all, she told me no and she’d try harder (hasn’t). Never asks questions or anything. 🙁 So that was my solution. I didn’t ‘demote’ her from being Maid/Matron of Honor I just asked another Bridesmaid or Best Man to be my 2nd Maid/Matron of Honor and she picked up all of her mess for her and got the ball rolling. She is only responsible for the bridal shower and attending some tastings with me. Everything else was handed over to my 2nd Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 12
I gave the Maid/Matron of Honor half a grand to get a limo for the bacholorette and she swore up and down that she couldn’t get one for that… so I hired one here in town (for less), and am going to let her keep the money for other expenses. She is clueless about what to do. I hope it turns out ok.