Post # 1
I need some advice. I asked my friend of nearly 10 years to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and at first things were great. Cut to today and I am having a hard time not being bummed out that I look back and see she missed our engagement party, made a weird comment about my ering the first time she saw it, the bridal shower had to be taken away from her because she was dropping the ball so much (which she was ok with), many other things, etc…
We haven’t spoke in nearly a month, she literally will not return my calls and I have no idea why. Sometimes she email/text and tell me she’ll call me and then she won’t. At this point I want to be done with the whole thing. Everyone said she is jealous that I am getting married and it’s sad she can’t see past that and be happy for me. I really dislike the jealous excuse because if you’re my friend, you’re my friend- it should not be this way.
Anyways, I just don’t know where to go from here. Should I stop reaching out to her and just see her at our Destination Wedding and other wedding related events (if she shows up), or do I email her to see what’s up and if so, what the heck do I say? Do I give her a chance to back out of our wedding, or maybe our friendship (that’s what it feels like to me she wants if she’s never reaching out to me)? I’m so conflicted and hurt.
Post # 3
At this point, I think you need to be straight forward with her. You never know what the issue is — maybe money, maybe a lack of understanding what she should do. You need a friend by your side now though. I’d reach out to her and just say you need to talk about teh wedding and whether she still wants to particpate, say you are understanding if she no longer can keep th commitment she made, etc. And give her a deadline. If she doesn’t get back to you by whatever date, make it clear that you will choose someone else not out of spite but because you need help/support/no drama right now.
Post # 4
I am so sorry you are having a rough time with your friend. Many bees will tell you not to do anything (i.e. – give her an out, ask her to step down, etc.). If she has not ordered her dress by the deadline, then she has removed herself from the bridal party. As for the other stuff (comments, engagement party, shower), many bees will tell you that 1.) no one will be as excited for your wedding day as you will be and 2.) the bridal party doesn’t have to do anything beyond showing up on the wedding day clean, sober and wearing the dress you picked. I don’t necessarily agree with this since I believe people should know what to expect when you accept an invitation to stand in a bridal party (i.e. – DIY projects, throwing parties, shopping with bride, etc.) but people have convinced me that none of it matters and I should be happy to have people be there at all. This probably isn’t very helpful and I’m sorry but you will not find much sympathy with regards to bridal parties on this board in my honest opinion.
I would give your friend some space. Maybe write her an email letting her know she’s on your mind and you are available to talk if she would like to. Perhaps she is going through something in her personal life and just doesn’t have it in her to share in your joy right now. As for the wedding, if she hasn’t ordered her dress yet, let her know when she has until to do so and if she doesn’t you will have your answer. I hope you guys can fix this.
Post # 5
@hosannac: Thank you for your advice. I never wouldve thought to bring up the part about spite, I dont want to hurt her feelings like she has mine but I want to give her an easy out if thats what she wants. I dont want things to end on bad terms (although the kind of already will) like if you dont want to be my bff you dont need to be my enemy.
Post # 6
I had a very similar situation (check out some of my other posts). Her and I talked it out, very tense at first, but eventually came to the mutual agreement that she should be a bridesmaid. Unfortunately that’s not even working – she has missed every appointment (without letting me know she was missing them BTW), almost didn’t order her dress in time, and more than likely can’t order her shoes in time since she decided to take a spontaneous out of state trip for the next month (which means she is missing my shower too, and she picked the date). I honestly wish she would have dropped out because now I feel like I am backed into a corner and she has me stressed to no end. I can’t rely on her to make the rehearsal or even the wedding at this point – she is so unreliable and all about herself and I don’t know what to do.
Post # 7
I think Hosonnac is right on. You definitely need to address this in a non-confrontational, honest and respectful way. She needs to know how she is making you feel (so you don’t end up completely stressed and bitter toward her even after the wedding), and maybe she does have a good explanation for why she is being this way. Some of the reasons Hosonnac mentioned (money, not knowing what to do, etc) could be right on too. I’m a big advocator of being upfront and honest and coming to a resolution. 🙂
Post # 8
I agree with other PP’s, you need to speak with her openly. and honestly! I am a huge fan of writing letters with I feel a discord, bc then I state my thoughts without interruption, etc.
I will say from personal experience that I had to do this with a bride, of which I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in her wedding. We felt disconnected, and when she asked me if everything was OK, I typed up an email with my feelings. I was *hurt* that everything in our relationship was about her wedding – every convo, every phone call, etc. I did not want to reign on her parade, so I stepped away, figuring it out if I was being the selfish one, or was she?!Long story short, we laughed at how neither of us had the courage to say something, and came to a compromise that worked well going forward 🙂
I am not saying that is why your friend is MIA. My point is communication is essential to every relationship. She is the only one that has the answers you need, and if she does not respond to an email, or whatever, then you have done all you could!!
Post # 9
Thanks for all of the advice. If she doesnt call me by the end of the week I will write her an email and hopefully we can get on the same page- that’s all I want. It’s more so of her not acting like a good friend but then to put the Maid/Matron of Honor title on top doesnt help her situation, I really just want my friend there for me. Although the immaturity and avoidance does make me doubt our friendship overall, that’s just something I cant deal with right now with the wedding and all. I really want to stay drama free.
@aheavel I feel you, I am stressed out about this nonstop. I dont feel like I can count on her and that she isnt happy for me and this makes me so sad. I’m hoping we dont end up in your situation (no offense) but I guess I could see some of that happening… I just dont know what to expect anymore, you know? Like what’s going on with us? All I know is that if I was acting this way for her wedding or anyone else’s it would NOT fly.
Post # 10
@sassypants: No offense taken – I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. She is someone I considered a very close friend, a best friend, and I am devestated at the way things are turning out.