Post # 1
This is a rant/advice
My Maid/Matron of Honor is trying to plan my bachelorette party. i told her from the start that i dont require anything to ocrazy and/or pricey so to not feel like shes has to go nuts. well, she is the type of person who hates surprises and cant hold a secret for too long (ie giving a birthday gift early because she cant stand to wait). i told her i dont want anything to do with the party and id like to be surprised. she admitted that shed love for me to know but i told her to keep it a secret. Then she asked me if i at least wanted to know who was coming and i said “sure, why not”. well didnt that just opena can of worms! she kept telling me every little detail about everyones responses! things like “well A said shed go but only if other people go to keep costs down” and “b said shed have to think about it” and “ABCD havent even bothered to eamil me back yet” (it had literally been 24 hours since she sent it”. So she sent this email on Sunday, by wednesday she was asking me to check with my cousin (who is a bridesmaid but she doesnt live in the same country). so i agree and got the response “yes i got it, im just checking to make sure i can get the time off” – which i will admit, is a bit annoying because she knew these dates a few months ago but i wasnt going to let it bother me, if she cant make it, thats fine. its not that big of a deal. so here is the issue im having: i tell Maid/Matron of Honor what my cousins response was and her email to me was this:
“uh oh… I told her these dates back in February! She better get them off… cause its not just me who would have to bear the cost.. its the other girls who would have a big problem..well unless I absorbed her cost, but I am already covering more to bring cost down for these girls.. well fingers crossed it works out… Did she give you a time frame that the manager will get back to her? I feel like requesting time off is not that hard, I dunno.. my boyfriend has to put in a request sheet, but its always approved. Crap I really hope she gets this approved and lets me know fairly soon”
well, i was upset by this because A:i feel like i shouldnt know anything about the money situation. B:from all our talks it sounds like shes planning something expensive, something i told her NOT to do and shes complaining about costs. but its her choice to do that! C: i realize its annoying but i should have nothing to do with this.
its just making me feel bad and guilty about the whole thing and i dont even feel like i want one now. am i just being sensitive here?
Post # 2
The only thing that would bother me here is that she may have planned something that would strain the budget of the other girls. Did she check their budgets with them beforehand? It’s never a good idea to make plans that are only affordable if every single person is able to make it – because that practically NEVER happens. And no party should be (or even feel) obligatory.
In my opinion it’s often not really reasonable for the bride to be completely uninvolved in the planning. If you want to be completely removed from the planning process then you also have to let go of any and all control over what happens with it. I know it sucks, but it might help if you step in and try to mitigate some things here and try to make sure she’s not putting too much financial strain on the other girls.
Post # 3
wolfeyes : in my experience weve always asked the bride what she wants out of her bachelorette and try to stick with that but its always been a surprise to the bride, at least where we live. i made myself very clear in the fact that i wasnt expecting/needing some expensive thing. i should have told you that i have three maids. the rest of the girls invited are just friends (some of which im not too close to where i would expect them to even go) i told my Maid/Matron of Honor to really only expect the three fo them for this when the bachelorette was first talked about. i dont really understand why shes choosing expensive stuff to do! its not fair ot ask that of everyone. and its not liek i even know what it all is so if it doesnt happen its not like i would miss anything. i guess i just dont understand why shes coming to me complaining about the costs of everything when she is the one driving the costs up to begin with. it makes me really uncomfortable. no one wants to feel like they are burdening people. i should add that i am not having a bridal shower or jack and jill or any other wedding related things other than the wedding. i keep telling her not to feel obligated to spend all this money but she wont listen! i just dont think the bride should have to hear about complaints when shes not the one causing the issue to begin with
Post # 4
alfalfasprout10518 : I kinda get what you mean. All I gave was a general idea…a night out at a city an hour away from us. There was a group chat with the bridesmaids that didn’t include me….but somehow I still heard of all the problems…I know who complained about money the whole way…who got upset her idea was rejected and decided to no longer contribute any ideas…who never paid and left the girls with her share…
Honestly, if I could do it over, I’d just ask for something more lowkey (maybe a sleepover+take out+wine+movies) just in hope there’d be less issues.
Post # 5
eurasianbee : exactly! why do we need to know these things?! i was the Maid/Matron of Honor twice last year and i never let the bride in on any kind of drama (because lets face it, theres always drama with that many woman) i even had a girl once tell me that she found it outrageous that the bride not ay her own way! seriously?! but i NEVER told the bride she said that, because she doesnt need her feelings hurt like that. i ended up telling her to scrap the entire thing, that id be happy with a lowkey dinner in town. but then she shut me down and said “sorry, ill just not tell you anything else about it”. ummm, yay?
Post # 6
I would reiterate to your Maid/Matron of Honor that you do NOT want anything expensive that puts a strain on her or any of the other girls budget. Tell her that you will find it hard to enjoy the whole thing if so. Also yes no need to get involved in the planning any further.
Post # 7
I feel like it sounds like she’s going overboard and it may be time for you to ask the plans and reign the crazy in.
I know you didn’t want to be involved and it sucks, but that’s the impression I am getting.
Post # 8
slomotion : hahaha its funny you said that because i say that all the time! its true though. shes being crazy. i think with all the popularity and pinterest and things people feel like they need to go nuts with this stuff. im 31 years old, i make a good living myself but i am also very aware that not everyone does and noone should feel obligated to spend tons of money on a friend, thats just inconsiderate and unnessesary. im not a showy person by any means and she knows that. it does suck because i truly did want tot just relax about this and enjoy it but it seems impossible now
Post # 9
I think you need to talk to her. Personally, I’d let go of the ‘surprise’ aspect and ask her what the plans are and see if there are some areas that you can trim back on.
At the very least remind her that you don’t want people to feel pressured to go or like they have to shell out a bunch of money. Ask her to avoid anything that requires everyone to attend for it to be affordable.
Post # 10
i told her from the start that i dont require anything to ocrazy and/or pricey so to not feel like shes has to go nuts. well, she is the type of person who hates surprises and cant hold a secret for too long
So…This is the issue with expecting people to do something they normally (read: NEVER) do. You can’t just expect someone to act different from the way he/she normally does just because you ask them too. Knowing that she is so bad with surprises, you should have not expect to be surprised from the very start.
I also don’t see her message as something to be upset about. She is probably stressed or worried and she is just venting to you like a friend would do (I assume you two are friends). She probably doesn’t know you are getting stressed over all of it (and I don’t really understand why you are getting stressed), but if it bothers you that bad I am sure you talk it with her. I also don’t think she is necesarily planning anything expensive, but I do believe that if some of your other bridesmaids have pointed out they will only participate If this or that, perhaps she is working with a very limited budget that requires for everyone to contribute (ie. asking everyone 50 dlls to reach x amount for a budget price, instead of 100 each for the normal one).
In any case, talk with her.