Post # 1
Has anyone out there every had to “demote” a maid of honor to a bridesmaid? If so, how did it work out? I am having serious 2nd thoughts about my choice. Honestly, I knew from the beginning it wasn’t the best choice but, I thought maybe she would surprise me. She is so unreliable and a very selfish person. The first time I ever went to try on wedding dresses she canceled the morning of because her daughter was sick. Later I saw pictures on Facebook of her and her daughter at the local fair so I confronted her. She then said “I am pregnant, it’s not like I could try on dresses anyway”. My jaw literally hit the ground. I very kindly explained to her that it wasn’t about her, it was about me. Anyway, she is just very flaky and self consumed. My female friends had a birthday breakfast for me this past Sunday and she canceled at the last minute. Not only do I feel uncomfortable with her being my maid of honor but I feel like it’s not fair to my other friend that really does deserve the role. Any advice?
Post # 3
@aheavel: sounds like my ex Maid/Matron of Honor, and ex friend. My moh started out really well actually.. like she was one of those really nice people that would call ahead if she was going to be late or if she couldn’t make it.. had common courtesy. As the wedding plans progressed she just got more and more bitter towards either me.. or weddings in general.. I am not sure which. I legit had to dodge talking about wedding stuff around her because she would just be so selfish and make the whole thing about HER .. and when SHE was getting married.. and when SHE gets married.. it would just annoy me. I was considering demoting her because my orginal Maid/Matron of Honor (I had 2 because they were both very close to me.. but the original was just my best friend.. but she is so far away) though there is a great distance.. was always the best woman for the job. But I made a post on WB about it and she “found” it before I had a chance to talk to her about it. Needless to say that we are not friends anymore. But our relationship was toxic anyways and I am glad (and she prob is too) that it is over. Its the best for both of us. Maybe you just don’t need people like your Maid/Matron of Honor around you and you should just end the friendship now.
Post # 4
Is either one married? Make one Matron of Honor, and the other Maid of Honor. Or you can have two Maids of Honor. Or you can let it go, and just tell her what dress to buy and where to be at what time, and expect nothing more. Unless she like, sets fire to your house or slits your tires, you can’t really demote her.
Perhaps you could ask her if she would rather just be a bridesmaid – that could be what she wants after all.
Post # 5
I agree with the above. You can only demote her if you want to end the friendship. IMO, you picked her knowing this stuff about her. You can’t be surprised when she acts the way she does.
It’s basically the choice you have. Keep or end the friendship. Which one do you want to do?
Post # 6
@Kewii: I agree. I’m always surprised by the number of posts on wedding be complaining about a Bridesmaid or Best Man where they say that they knew how selfish she was before they asked them to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor. And I am seriously going to copy and paste my advice from one of those threads because it seems to suit this situation:
I think you’re setting your expectations too high considering what you already know about her. I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man who didn’t get too into the wedding stuff, but it was important to me that she be there with me the day of the wedding, so I just didn’t worry about involving her in the planning aspects so long as she ordered and got the dress, and was there the day of the wedding excited for me and standing up there with me during the ceremony. If you want to continue this friendship, that’s what I’d recommend you do as well. If you don’t care about continuing the friendship, then I think you already have your answer.
Post # 7
Yes, I did know the way she was and I should have known better but, I honestly thought she cared about me a little more. I have seen her do this to other people but never in a million years did I expect she would do stuff like this to me. You live and you learn I guess. I really don’t expect too much from her, I just want her to be there. Like for the day I tried on dresses – I found my dress that day and I will always remember that day and she isn’t a part of that memory and that hurts me. Honestly, at this point, I don’t even know if I could trust her to show up to the wedding on time or even at all for that matter. I also feel bad for the bridesmaid that I should have asked to be the Maid/Matron of Honor, I feel like she genuinely cares more. She took a 9 hour road trip with me just to make sure I was 100% positive about my dress. I don’t know, I guess I want everything to be rainbows and unicorns and that’s just not life. I guess I will put my big girl panties on and just deal with the choice I made.
Post # 8
My best friend and my Maid/Matron of Honor was demoted in our other friend’s wedding from her Maid/Matron of Honor to just a Bridesmaid. The demotion was awkward b/c the bridesmaids took sides with the bride and kinda shunned her during the rest of the bridal activites. The bridal events (including the wedding) were tense and awkward and afterwards they never spoke again. I don’t see the point in demoting someone, b/c its going to end the friendship or at least damage it alot and then you are forcing that person to go through the rest of the wedding events in demoted shame- my advice – if you want to demote just ask her to step out of the wedding altogther…at least that way the wedding events wont be awkward and you save the person the public humliation of being demoted.
Post # 9
I guess I will just leave it as is and take it as a lesson learned. I knew better from the beginning so I will just deal with it. I want the day to be peaceful and drama free and that’s why I asked her to begin with because I knew if I didn’t it would be the end of the world. So, that’s how I will look at it – I am just doing what I have to do to make my day go smoothly.
Post # 10
And I don’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt. I was going to try and ask her if she really wanted to be the Maid/Matron of Honor or if she had too much on her plate right now because maybe that is the problem. I don’t know, we shall see but, after reading what you guys have said I definitely won’t demote her, just give her the option to step down if she feels she needs to.
Post # 11
@Wonderstruck: Agreed. People don’t miraculously change to meet your expectations. Self people will continue to be selfish if this who they have been all along. Weddings just enhance what has always been there.