(Closed) MOH issues…

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1619 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It honestly really truly sounds to me like this girl is really sad about her situation in life right now.  She may be feeling some resentment toward you.  Maybe she saw you as someone who has had similar trials obstacles in life and now sees that you can afford to buy her all this stuff and pay for her nursery and her baby shower and on top of that, you can afford to pay for her to be in your wedding.  You probably seem to have it all to her: more financial stability than she appears to have, a good man who wants to marry you – the perfect life – and she may be wondering how you and she started out so similarly, but you are making it and she feels she isn’t.  I’m sure it doesn’t make anything better that she is pregnant, with an absent father, and not sure where she will even be in a year while you are ecstaticly happy and making plans for your future. 

Obviously, none of this is your fault and I really think that the only thing you can do for her right now is make sure she knows that you will be there for her no matter what and you will not let her push you away as a friend. 

Post # 4
7719 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

19, pregnant, father out of the picture… I don’t blame her for not wanting to be in your wedding and not wanting to commit! She must be overwhelmed by now. You’re (apparently) not pregnant and you’re getting married… I kind of agree with her, your life is going much better hers.

You say,  “I mean if she would have protected herself and went to school and didn’t quit her job she wouldn’t be in this situation. All of her actions have consequences right? ” Um, perhaps you haven’t expressed yourself well, but you don’t sound very symathetic! Getting pregnant can be a simple once-off mistake.

It sounds to me like she still wants to be your friend, but can’t handle being Maid/Matron of Honor because the whole wedding thing reminds her of where she is. So, why not ask her if she’d rather just be a guest at your wedding if she can make it. Then drop the Maid/Matron of Honor talk, and be friends.

EDIT: I see she’s actually said  “I can’t be your maid of honor but I will be in the front row and I will put a muzzle on my baby lol” – so let her.

Post # 5
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@paula1248:  +1. I know it’s not what you want but she’s actually being considerate in being upfront with you. You can’t force her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor

Post # 6
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@paula1248:  I agree

She said she will be a guest at your wedding. At least she told you right away that she did not want to be Maid/Matron of Honor, plus you have a second one. I see no problem here.

Post # 10
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t mean this to sound harsh, like it sounds like this girl really does not want to be in your wedding party. At this point, it might be best to just let it go. I definitely wouldn’t make any decisions based on having her in attendance. Have your wedding where you and your fiancé want to have it, not where it’s easiest for her. 

Honestly, you might want to take a small step back from this friendship. It sounds like you’ve been overly generous with her for very little in return. I’m sure she is exhausted and preoccupied, and I think it’s reasonable for her to say she doesn’t know how much she will be able to participate in your wedding with a baby and all of the related stresses. But it also sounds like you may be a lot more invested (emotionally and financially) in this friendship than she is. 

Take a little step back, give her some time to adjust to motherhood and take some time to think about your own boundaries. I know I spent a long time, in my younger years, being overly generous with my friends. I always wound up feeling like they just walked all over me, then weren’t there when I needed them. Once I started establishing stronger boundaries – like, no you can’t call me crying at 3 am every day for a week, or, no I’m not going to give you $500 for your car repairs – I found that my relationships became much more enjoyable. It’s something to think about, for real. 

Post # 13
7719 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@babygirl92:  I’m not saying you’re unsympathetic, but anyone who writes the sentence I quoted is at the very least getting frustrated, when this poor girl is in a very very hard place and needs a lot of sympathy. I’ve been heavily pregnant so I can relate to the moods, but I haven’t been single and pregnant and have trouble imagining it. I think you need to honour her request not to be Maid/Matron of Honor.

Post # 16
7719 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@babygirl92:  I think the only thing you have done wrong is keep on asking her to be involved in your wedding when she doesn’t want to.

Her life is chaos at the moment. 19, pregnant, single. Happy weddings are the last thing on her mind. She doesn’t want to be there for you because at the moment she is she is overwhelmed and she has nothing to give.

She says she is more than happy to attend your wedding, she just doesn’t want to be Maid/Matron of Honor or her son is ring bearer.

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