(Closed) MOH issues… (LONG)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think that you need to talk to your friend. Trying to guess how she is feeling about the wedding and about you is really upsetting you. I think you should ask how she is feeling about the wedding.  Ask about her life too…is there more going on that you don’t know?

Luckily, you have some time before the big day, so you have time to work things out.  Be the good friend that you would want to have and talk to her from the heart.  And be mindful that it might be more than one conversation. Only after knowing that you did everything you could and were a true friend will you feel more at peace.

One last thing to consider, if you cut things off for the wedding…you might be cutting your friendship too. Since it seems you two are growing apart, it could be the final tear.

Good luck.

Post # 4
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

That’s a tough one. So hard to call out bad behaviour in someone when you know they’re having a hard time! It sounds like a lot of your friend’s behaviour is plain selfish, to be honest.

I don’t know how you can ensure she behaves for your bach/shower/wedding/ all events… Have you a mutual friend that knows what she’s like? Someone you could discreetly trust to supervise her, and rein her in if things get out of hand? I think you’ll need that, to be honest, specially when you said you can’t make a fuss of things with her directly as it leads to her causing a scene.

Is she having any kind of treatment? It does sound like she needs it! Is there any way to bring that up without her going off the deep end at you?

Hugs, this sounds like a v difficult situation, best of luck!

Post # 5
365 posts
Helper bee

Time for a heart-to-heart me thinks.  If she flips out then you may have to just leave her to ponder on what you have said and ask her to think and come back to you.

If she is your BFF and she loves you then she’ll take the time to think about it and try harder.  I know I would.

Post # 7
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This isn’t necessarily a response in regards to the wedding challenges, more your friend and her involvement in therapy, and realistic expectations…

Often when people go to therapy and deal with demons of their past, they end up getting worse before they get better.  And, the “worse” can last for awhile, depending on how deep the issues are, and how good the therapist is.  (Not to say that free/low cost therapists arent good, though commonly they’re interns, so they may have less experience, especially with particuarly challenging clients).  All of that being said, I don’t want you to set yourself up for expectations that may not come to be–for example her suddenly being better because she has a job/is seeing a therapist/etc. And, in regards to giving her support, only give of yourself what you feel like you can.  It can be SUPER draining to deal with people repeating the same challenges and not taking action like you said…so I’d say give what you feel you can, and be aware of your own feelings and boundaries.  You have enough things to handle, and it’s really easy to burn out if you extend yourself too much. 

And, I do agree that an open and direct conversation with her is a good idea.  It sounds like you two HAVE been through a lot together, which leads me to think/hope she’d be open to a conversation (ideally one focused on feelings rather than specific events–I feel sad because I feel like blah blah, versus you’re being hard to deal with, etc.)  And, it’ll be good as much as possible to find out if she can provide you with the support you need.  Don’t worry about who will be your Maid/Matron of Honor…focus on one step at a time.  Cross that bridge when you come to it.  🙂

I hope that you’re able to find some resolution to this situation…dealing with close people can definitely be challenging.  And I wish you luc in your conversations with her.  🙂

Post # 9
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

To echo Judithsr, your friend’s behavior is not normal and strikes me of someone who is having a hard time in general. I’m not a psychologist, but depression runs in my family and this sort of thing sounds like it *could* be depression (not cleaning up after yourself, getting drunk, not taking responsibility for things, perhaps being broke (even though she has a job–maybe that’s why you paid for everything). Fixating on one’s appearance (the make-up, the weight etc.) can also be a symptom of this. That’s not to excuse the behavior, though.

Perhaps the question that you should ask yourself–and maybe her–is if she is mentally ready to handle being Maid/Matron of Honor. You can explain that she’s your first choice, but you’re worried about the all the pressure it demands. I mean, I struggled with really bad body image for years and the idea of getting measured, choosing a dress, and having myself memorialized in pictures was terrifying for me. And that’s the least of it when it comes to being Maid/Matron of Honor. Maybe a gentle talk is worth it–although DO NOT explain your reasons why you don’t want her as a bridesmaid in terms of “well, you did this this and this in the past”; I’d put it the framework of saying “You mean the world to me. I’m seeing you work through a lot of tough things and I admire you for it and I want you to keep working on yourself. Is this really something that’s going to be good for me AND you?” Maid/Matron of Honor is an honor, but it can also be just a title.

You might also be able to come up with something together as a way of having her be part of your ceremony without being dependent on her. So maybe allow her to get ready with you and your other BMs even if she’s not in the bridal party or give her a reading, let her make a toast, or whatever else you and she might come up with–if she wants to be involved.

Post # 10
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I dont think there is anything wrong with bumping up a Bridesmaid or Best Man, you obviously still chose all the BMs because u want them to be a part of your wedding.. i wouldnt be offended if someone bumped me up from Bridesmaid or Best Man to Maid/Matron of Honor because stuff happened and the Maid/Matron of Honor couldnt and wasnt allowed to continue her role. I know this lady is your friend but from everything you’ve said so far I dont think she is the right person to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. You need someone who will be involved and share ur excitement and actually put you first. Weddings can be stressful, you dont need any more stress from your own wedding party

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