Post # 1
I’ve got a bit of a situation here and feeling awful about it. This is the reason I waited so long to get married – there is usually some big fight/problem/catastrophe that comes out of a wedding.
I asked my MOH before I booked by DW in Hawaii and she said she would be there for sure. She has a two year old and is a stay at home Mom. Most people have booked their flights by now, and she still hasn’t, so I have been asking her about it. It turns out her husband doesn’t want her to go. She says they have been fighting about it a lot. At first the reason was that he didn’t want to be left at home with the child and is afraid to fly. She then suggested that she go without him. The “real” reason then became that he was afraid for her to fly over the ocean. He has recently gone to Vegas for a Stag and she was completely understanding about it.
Either way, she keeps saying things to me like “I’m feeling like such a Jerk that I didn’t talk to him first before committing to you”. I have a feeling she is going to break the news to me anyday that she is not coming. It breaks my heart that she will not be there, and I am pretty angry about his behaviour. I have known her husband for quite a few years now, and he is very anti social and doesn’t like to spend time with other people outside his family.
It appears to me that this is very controlling behaviour, and I told her that if she were to let him win on this one, she would be committing herself to being landlocked for the rest of her life.
Is there anything I can do at this point? Do I have a right to be angry? It sounds like she still wants to do MOH duties and be involved with planning and the Shower and stuff. I’m not sure my heart is even in it to have her involved at all anymore – I think she should be a stronger person and stand up to her husband!! Maybe I am just worked up and angry, and it isn’t worth losing a friendship over.
Post # 3
I am sorry you are going through this.
Post # 4
@LJZ000: I agree that she should be a stronger person and put her foot down. However, sometimes people lie and say their SO won’t “let” them do stuff that they themselves don’t want to do – maybe she cannot afford to fly to Hawaii and didn’t think about it before? Considering she’s a SAHM, I’m not sure if they’re living confortably on one income or not, but it’s just a thought. There’s really nothing you can do short of asking her to choose between you and her husband. If you tell her that she absolutely must be there, she will have to fight with her husband to do that. So, if she’s saying she can’t, let her do the MOH duties and “promote” one of your other BMs as your MOH and have them stand in her place at the wedding. It sucks, but at least she wants to help out with everything else wedding related. I’m sorry you’re going through this and that she didn’t tell you earlier. You have every right to be mad/upset, but I don’t think that it will help you. You can’t force her to go, if she doesn’t want to (enough to either come up with the money or to stand up to her husband or to overcome whatever it is keeping her from coming). Just tell her to tell you as soon as possible so you can come up with another MOH for the actual wedding. It’s not fair to you for her to not tell you ASAP.
Post # 5
She probably agreed back when it was still just an idea being thrown around (as far as she knew). Then she realized it wasn’t possible for her to pay that much to do this. It sounds like she is using her DH as an excuse to hide behind.
Post # 6
Is this the first controlling behaviour you have seen? or is it common place for this sort of thing to happen? If it’s not common I would probably agree with other bees that there might be some other reason she is uncomfortable telling you, like finances etc.
Also just a side note…you might not want to use your email address as your user name. it makes it really easy to trace your posts back to you.
Post # 7
@LJZ000: I guess you’ll just have to respect that each couple/relationship is different. She is right, she should have talked things over with her DH before she committed to you. Never in a million years would I commit to something that A) Would be a large expense and B) Required traveling a good distance, without talking to my DH. So yes, you can be irritated that she had a miscommunication on her part, but it’s nothing worth ending a friendship over.
What if a friend was asking you to do something that was causing tension between you and your SO? Like I said, every relationship is different and if you want to keep your friendship, you’ll have to respect that.
My best friend of 20+ years couldn’t make it to my wedding. She knew about my wedding with plenty of time to save up (different scenario than yours) but in the end, decided not to come b/c she felt the money would be better used elsewhere. And you know what? IT WAS OK. She is still my BFF and never in a million years would I hold her not attending my wedding against her. Her and her DH decided together that attending my wedding wasn’t the best thing at the moment for her and I had to respect that decision.
Post # 8
@LJZ000: I’m wondering why he thinks flying over the ocean is different than flying over land (or is that just an excuse for him)? 30,000 feet in the air is still 30,000 feet in the air. 😉
Sorry you are going through this, but it doesn’t sound promising. Maybe she’s hoping you’ll let her off the hook. She probably is afraid to tell you know because you will be heartbroken/upset.