(Closed) MOH MIA

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you need to step back and examine what the true role of your attendants is?  THey are meant to stand up for you and support you on your wedding day.  Everything else is above and beyond.  You need to call her and ask her if she will be able to attend the wedding sans child.  That is the only reason for letting her go as a Maid/Matron of Honor.  Otherwise, you risk alienating yet another person and causing more hubby drama w his guys.  NOTE: You do not need to have even sides.

Post # 4
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with Heather!

You don’t want to jeopardize the relationship further maybe you should extend an apologize to clarify your comment regarding the shopping trip maybe that is why she is avoiding with you?

Post # 5
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

Wow, ok I’m going to start off by first saying this might sound rude but it seems like you were a little to hasty in demoting your Maid/Matron of Honor and letting this other girl step in just because she was willing and able to help with your wedding. Your first Maid/Matron of Honor may have other things on her plate besides your wedding and you can’t expect her to drop everything in her life and help you. I think that if your new Maid/Matron of Honor hasn’t returned your calls or emails she is pretty much telling you that she wont be your Maid/Matron of Honor anymore, probably because of what you texted your Fiance. Personally if I were your old Maid/Matron of Honor i would be upset with you for demoting in the first place. If my BFF did that to me (which i would hope she never would) I wouldn’t even want to be in her wedding at all.

Sorry if this sounds rude. Just how I feel. Good luck

Post # 6
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Those are just titles. Why not just make them all bridesmaids? YOu don’t need to give one a title that the other two don’t have. No need to stir up anything anymore. Just leave everything as it is. Because Bridesmaid or Best Man are so prone to drama, I specifically did not give any of my Bridesmaid or Best Man a title that the others don’t have.

Also if you and your Fiance are very good friends with her (& her husband), you shouldn’t jeopardize the relationship further. Just accept that she probably cannot be as involved as you want her to be. Everybody underestimates the burden of caring for a newborn. It’s extremely exhausting unless you have a 24 hr nanny. It’s also kind harsh that the newborn has to be separated from the mom for your wedding. It’s probably something that she’s not comfortable with. You may also extend to them another guest or two (e.g she can bring her parents to help care for her child while she’s standing up there).

There are a lot of women here who plans the wedding by herself and bridesmaid involvement is no longer an expected norm. Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
2681 posts
Sugar bee

I would not jeopardize your relationship more with your Maid/Matron of Honor. You knew when you asked her that she would have a baby and unfortunately you have to deal with that.  To be honest, she probably isnt responding to you because her feelings are hurt, her husband probably told her about the text you sent your Fiance.  I would call her and apologize for what happened and go from there.  RE: the baby, I dont know, will someone be there to watch it while her and the Bridesmaid or Best Man are up at the front with you for the ceremony?  We had kids at our wedding but BIL & SIL did leave around 10:30pm before the cake cutting to take the kids home and our reception ended at midnight.  I wish they wouldve stayed but I wouldnt have traded that for not having the kids there.

Post # 8
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am not going to give you advice regarding promoting or demoting anyone.  I don’t really understand the whole bridesmaid heirarchy very well.  But I will say that your friend is facing something she could never have fully anticipated: parenthood.  Going shopping with a 2 month old or a small child is never going to be efficient.  They need lots of attention at that age, and it is overwhelming for many new parents.

My gut tells me that your friend was hurt by the text you sent your husband (who unwisely shared it).  I think you might want to address that first.

I don’t mean to sound preachy, but I have watched most of my friends go through the transition into parenthood and it is not easy!

Post # 9
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think before you ask her to step down, you need to restore the friendship.  I’m not a mother, but have watched close friends enter into that stage.  Your time, attention and life totally changes – not to mention being totally sleep deprived those first few months.  To ask a new mother to be away from her new baby during a wedding is a big deal.  I think you need to have a heart to heart with her and see how she feels about being involved with the wedding.  I don’t think it’s inappropriate for her to want to have her baby at the wedding.

 

Post # 11
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think that was very rude of you to say that about the shopping trip.  I mean, this lady just had a baby and is probably adjusting to the pressures of taking care of it and doesn’t quite know how to handle it all yet.  It was nice of her to even come with you.  If I was her I’d be very upset if I heard from my husband that you had a terrible time and were never going shopping with her again.  Especially after all she did for you to help you with the wedding so far.  I think you owe her an apology.

 

As for the child, could you say to her that you are having no children at your wedding and perhaps you could help arrange for a babysitter?

Post # 12
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Are you looking for agreement or a reality check here? I wouldn’t ask her to step down, and I think it was unreasonable to expect that you could take a new mother and her new baby shopping and not make lots of stops for them. Just try not to damage your new friendship with her further and chill out.

Post # 13
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I agree with Heather as well.  Your attendants are there to stand up with you during your wedding and help with some minor wedding tasks.  Sorry to be harsh,  but your attendants are not substitute wedding planners.  It is your wedding, and most of the responsibilty for planning it rests on your shoulders and your FI’s.    I have planned my wedding and done all the “dirty work”  myself.    My attendants have helped me decide on colors, flowers, and other fun light tasks.

Your Maid/Matron of Honor probably got very offended by your complaint about the trip.  I would write a heartfelt letter of apology, and not have a whole lot of expectations about the wedding planning.  Her baby is and should be her priority.

Post # 14
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I’m going to be honest. Instead of calling to ask if she still wants to be in your wedding, you should call and apologize. It seems like she’s done a lot to help you out and sacrificed a lot of her time for you (at a time in her life when she has a lot going on) and probably feels highly offended that you didn’t want to deal with her child “ever again” because you lost four hours (I know I would). You’ve got over a year to plan your wedding, hopefully you can mend these friendships soon, because you’ll definitely need help.

Also, she probably really wants her child to come to the wedding because she’d like to have her family included in the celebration of someone she and her husband probably feel really close to. Have you talked to her about what her plans are for the baby that day? Maybe she’ll get a sitter for the afternoon while you get ready, a mutual friend could watch the baby during the ceremony, or a sitter could come get the child during the reception. It seems she’s willing to do a lot for you, and probably expects that you’ll bend a bit so that she can have a good time, too.

Good luck.

Post # 15
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I unfortunately agree that you need to call her and apologize. It is a big and difficult adjustment becoming a new mom. She sounds like she was very supportive of you and when it came time for you to reciprocate, you sent a snarky text message.

I don’t think brides are allowed to expect attendants (MOH or otherwise) to do anything other than stand up with them. Anything else (dress shopping, venues, showers) is all just nice extras.

I’m sorry, the responses here probably aren’t the easiest to read. We all make mistakes and apologies can be awkward. But I am sure she would appreciate the gesture.

Post # 16
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Since my Fi and I couldn’t choose, we decided that we we were going to have Bridesmaid or Best Man and Groomsmen only, no Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man.  I think that you should step back and realize that this woman is probably hurt by the way you acted – she has bent over backwards to help you out, and the first time you have an outing with her and her baby your ready to call it quits? I understand little ones are tough, but you have to cut her some slack.

I don’t have any suggestions about her bringing her baby, since you’ve made it clear that you don’t want children. Possibly, help her find a reliable and trustworthy babysitter?

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