(Closed) MOH not holding bridal shower?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
13549 posts
Honey Beekeeper

That is a distortion of tradition. In reality, any friend, friends  or friend of the family can volunteer to host a bridal shower. It is a generous gesture but optional, not required. They are meant to be low key, modest events and gifts should be practical and relatively inexpensive. 

They should, of course, be done according to the budget of the person or people planning it. If no one offers, or is in the position to host, you simply don’t get one. 

It would be considered crass to throw your own gift giving party and quite rude and self serving to impose upon anyone to host on your behalf. 

More liberal etiquette sources do sanction the idea of family members hosting, but even then they are the ones who would need to volunteer. In my own circles, family members would not be involved.  

Post # 17
924 posts
Busy bee

I’ve found that many people outside of the wedding boards don’t remember old etiquette rules.  I’ve had several of my family members ask me about what I’m doing for my shower and I’ve told them I’m just showing up – my sister is planning it.  They really don’t see the issue with 70% of the things people clutch their pearls over on here.

Maybe your mother and some other family members can throw one potluck style so that the financial burden can be spread out and lessened.  If you’re up to it, you can throw yourself a luncheon and invite your family and friends.  Some people will bring gifts because that’s just what they do.

Post # 18
13549 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
cassiegirl :  What financial burden? As mentioned, a shower does not have to cost that kind of money.  

Whether or not you agree family members can host a shower, pot luck is not appropriate. You don’t organize and throw a gift giving event and then tell people that had nothing to do with planning it that they also have to contribute. 

The fact that people may be too polite to engage in visible pearl clutching is beside the point. Host what you can afford, even if it’s just cake.

Post # 19
4964 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
sallysueinblue : I don’t think this totally answers your question but isn’t it usually like this?

bachelorette party- friends throw it (would throwing a lower key bachelorette be cheaper for your friends?)

bridal shower – family throws it

This is how we do it at least in my circle. 

Post # 20
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’ve never seen anyone from the bridal party throw a bridal shower. I’ve also never been to one of these “at-home, cookies and tea” showers, though, so maybe that’s why. In my circle, it’s natural for family (usually mother) to throw the shower. But I agree that if there would be a financial issue with everyone- to do a simple, at-home lunch/brunch just to celebrate with family and friends before the wedding would be the best choice. I’m sure your mom/bridal party can get behind something like that?

Post # 21
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Definitely some good options presented! If you throw it yourself, make it a luncheon so no mention of gifts (though you’ll get some anyway!).

Post # 22
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Just pay for it but have your mom “host” it. That way it looks like she is throwing it for you.

Post # 23
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Since it sounds like your mom would like to throw the shower for you, I would let her do that, and help her pay for it behind the scenes.

I’m not sure why the financial aspect is such and issue though.  I’ve been to plenty of showers at people’s houses (free venue), and the food that was served was homeade.  My MOH/sister and my mom split up the food at my shower.  They made a pasta salad, fresh rolls, meatballs in the crock pot, and had fresh fruits and veggies.  My sister also made a cake and got some centerpieces from the dollar store- but they weren’t really needed if you’re trying to watch the budget.  She also got favors from the dollar store.  For games, she printed off word searches and such from the internet.  It was a wonderful shower and I wouldn’t change a thing.  There ended up being about 14 women there- which was great.  The whole point of the shower is to visit with the women in your life.

Post # 25
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

I didn’t have a shower at all, and the only other one I’ve been to was really simple, hosted ath the SIL’s house with some home made snacks and like, tea and juice. There weren’t even really gifts, just a bunch of ladies having a nice time. Mother of the bride made a little speech. I was the Maid/Matron of Honor and I helped with the bachelorette party, but not really with the shower!

Maybe ask your mom if she can help you out? Get some boxes of cookies, a few different teas, some veggies and dip, easy 🙂 Good luck!!

Post # 26
713 posts
Busy bee

My mom is hosting my shower and no one in real life gives a damn. That said, we’re not a super “Americanized” family so maybe it’s a cultural thing. We’re having a backyard BBQ type thing in June at my parents’ house and everyone I’ve talked to about it is genuinely excited to be going. I think you can have a fun, casual shower or Bridal luncheon or whatever you decide to call it if your mom/other family members want to throw it.

Aaaan reread your update and realized that mom/family might not be able to throw it. Unfortunately if your mom sees it as strictly an Maid/Matron of Honor thing and isn’t up to at least having people over for chips and cake and snacks, then this is a really rough spot and I’m not quite sure how to help! Sorry bee. Can one of these distant relatives asking about the shower help out?

Post # 27
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

View original reply
collegebee :  Extremely well said!  Idk why people get so up in arms about the etiquette behind a shower. I say if you want a shower and people are asking you about it but you don’t know if anyone is planning it, just say your mom is hosting a small get together and then help her pay for it. 

Post # 28
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

To me at least, I don’t even care about the gift part of the shower I just am excited about all the women from both sides of the family (and my friends) to all be together and meet.  I would be upset if I didn’t get the chance to do that with everybody, so I would be upset if I didn’t get a shower. 

If I were you I would offer to pay for any food/decorations/invitations, find somewhere to host it, and then ask your Maid/Matron of Honor if she can let people RSVP to her.  That way it’s not a financial burden to her, and honestly not that much work, but you still get to have the traditional shower hosted by somebody else. 

I also think its rude of your bridal party to beat around the bush with you like that.  ESPECIALLY if you’re in an area where bridal showers are the norm (like I am).

Post # 29
41 posts
  • Wedding: August 2017

I don’t think you’re being entiltled.  Of course everyone is going to ask you about it.  I’d just say you’re not sure if there will be a shower and leave it up in the air when asked.  BUT, I’d aslo talk to my mom.  She wants to host, can’t afford…I agree it can be a pretty cheap affair in a house.  And why can’t all of your family chip in or bring some food?  And what about your FMIL?  The gifts would all be for you both so why not get his family to bring some food & drinks too?  And I also don’t think it’s a crazy idea to throw a little cash toward your mom if she does put it all together.

That being said, I don’t think it’s ok to host your own.  Or ask your bridal party who seemingly can’t do it.    

Post # 30
858 posts
Busy bee

Sorry you have shitty bridesmaids bee. As other beed have said there are cheap ways to throw a shower. Like at someones house and everyone brings something. If that still isn’t an option then unfortunately you wont get a shower. I can imagine planning your wedding is going to be stressful enough. Dont burden yourself with planning an optional shower. And who knows, maybe they will plan something for you as a surprise. Try not to stress about it. 

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